33 year old never been in a relationship- need help.

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WantToHaveALife
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21 May 2024, 6:55 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


interesting, we all know how for all time, that normally never happens



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21 May 2024, 10:17 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


Congrats...... :D ....miracles do happen , ever once in a while., nice if people could at least have that hope for interpersonal relations . And friendship , usually almost always , makes for good grounding in a good relationship ??.
My Grandmother once said to me. :mrgreen:


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WantToHaveALife
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22 May 2024, 11:37 pm

Jakki wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


Congrats...... :D ....miracles do happen , ever once in a while., nice if people could at least have that hope for interpersonal relations . And friendship , usually almost always , makes for good grounding in a good relationship ??.
My Grandmother once said to me. :mrgreen:


i get angry and enraged whenever people and society still think men have it better than women do



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22 May 2024, 11:39 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Jakki wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


Congrats...... :D ....miracles do happen , ever once in a while., nice if people could at least have that hope for interpersonal relations . And friendship , usually almost always , makes for good grounding in a good relationship ??.
My Grandmother once said to me. :mrgreen:


i get angry and enraged whenever people and society still think men have it better than women do

Are you currently seeing a therapist for your anger?


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WantToHaveALife
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22 May 2024, 11:59 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Jakki wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


Congrats...... :D ....miracles do happen , ever once in a while., nice if people could at least have that hope for interpersonal relations . And friendship , usually almost always , makes for good grounding in a good relationship ??.
My Grandmother once said to me. :mrgreen:


i get angry and enraged whenever people and society still think men have it better than women do

Are you currently seeing a therapist for your anger?


i have one that i speak to twice a year, getting involve with someone whom i was sexually incompatible with definetley damaged my emotional health, feels like i wasted my time with her.



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23 May 2024, 12:05 am

You might want to consider seeing someone on a weekly or biweekly basis. Twice a year doesn’t seem like it would be enough.


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23 May 2024, 10:18 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Jakki wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.


Congrats...... :D ....miracles do happen , ever once in a while., nice if people could at least have that hope for interpersonal relations . And friendship , usually almost always , makes for good grounding in a good relationship ??.
My Grandmother once said to me. :mrgreen:


i get angry and enraged whenever people and society still think men have it better than women do

Are you currently seeing a therapist for your anger?


i have one that i speak to twice a year, getting involve with someone whom i was sexually incompatible with definetley damaged my emotional health, feels like i wasted my time with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sounds just like a testoterone driven mindset ...but not necaseily one that might ever attract. a worthwhile mate IMHO
(just sayin) a fyi ...re-evaluate and do imtrospection, perhaps ,on your POV about women , 18th and 19 th century thinking in these matters maynot serve you well in the 21st century.. (But far be it from me to offer opinions on how to
consider or think things over )
[ Men be men & Eomen be woman but the communistions styles in these matters have grown considerably over the years ]. in adult relationships imho (and no intent dissing testoterone. )


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WantToHaveALife
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23 May 2024, 11:17 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
You might want to consider seeing someone on a weekly or biweekly basis. Twice a year doesn’t seem like it would be enough.


whats the point of a therapist, they won't change the world



TwilightPrincess
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23 May 2024, 11:27 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
You might want to consider seeing someone on a weekly or biweekly basis. Twice a year doesn’t seem like it would be enough.


whats the point of a therapist, they won't change the world

A therapist could help you change your attitude. Feeling “angry and enraged” for the reason you stated doesn’t sound healthy. Adjusting your attitude could improve your prospects with women.


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WantToHaveALife
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04 Jun 2024, 12:30 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
You might want to consider seeing someone on a weekly or biweekly basis. Twice a year doesn’t seem like it would be enough.


whats the point of a therapist, they won't change the world

A therapist could help you change your attitude. Feeling “angry and enraged” for the reason you stated doesn’t sound healthy. Adjusting your attitude could improve your prospects with women.


well being involved in a relationship with someone who i was incompatible with, i feel i wasted my time with her, just further damaged my mental and emotional health, that really sums it up as to why my attitude has become the way it is, made it worse. It led me to discovering a FB group for people that identify as being asexual, and it has members in the thousands.

It turns out there, there are plenty of people out there, who still instinctively innately want a relationship, companionship with another human being, of the other sex, even if that relationship doesn't involve sex. Well thats not for me though, i figured that out the hard way.

Yeah, if i ever meet someone new, and we start a relationship, i feel i should bring up to them early on, have a very early discussion on how sex or just physical intimacy is important to me, it matters me, its non-negotiable, and if you, the other person, has issues or problems with sex, physical intimacy, is uncomfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't be a couple, just be straight up with them like that, so that way, we don't waste each others time.



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04 Jun 2024, 12:47 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Yeah, if i ever meet someone new, and we start a relationship, i feel i should bring up to them early on, have a very early discussion on how sex or just physical intimacy is important to me, it matters me, its non-negotiable, and if you, the other person, has issues or problems with sex, physical intimacy, is uncomfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't be a couple, just be straight up with them like that, so that way, we don't waste each others time.
If you put it like that - like a non-negotiable ultimatum, the chances are she’ll dump you even if you would’ve been compatible sexually because pushiness about sex is a huge red flag. You might want to think about it before you proceed in that direction.

It’s a sensitive topic. Instead of bringing it up in a demanding way, ask her how she feels about sex and go from there. The chances are you’ll be able to find out if you’re compatible that way without seeming pushy and creepy.


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WantToHaveALife
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04 Jun 2024, 1:22 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Yeah, if i ever meet someone new, and we start a relationship, i feel i should bring up to them early on, have a very early discussion on how sex or just physical intimacy is important to me, it matters me, its non-negotiable, and if you, the other person, has issues or problems with sex, physical intimacy, is uncomfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't be a couple, just be straight up with them like that, so that way, we don't waste each others time.
If you put it like that - like a non-negotiable ultimatum, the chances are she’ll dump you even if you would’ve been compatible sexually because pushiness about sex is a huge red flag. You might want to think about it before you proceed in that direction.

It’s a sensitive topic. Instead of bringing it up in a demanding way, ask her how she feels about sex and go from there. The chances are you’ll be able to find out if you’re compatible that way without seeming pushy and creepy.


yeah, its just a matter of being able to discuss it or bring it up in a healthy manner, so that way, i can avoid ending up in a sexless relationship ever again.



Nades
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04 Jun 2024, 1:49 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Yeah, if i ever meet someone new, and we start a relationship, i feel i should bring up to them early on, have a very early discussion on how sex or just physical intimacy is important to me, it matters me, its non-negotiable, and if you, the other person, has issues or problems with sex, physical intimacy, is uncomfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't be a couple, just be straight up with them like that, so that way, we don't waste each others time.
If you put it like that - like a non-negotiable ultimatum, the chances are she’ll dump you even if you would’ve been compatible sexually because pushiness about sex is a huge red flag. You might want to think about it before you proceed in that direction.

It’s a sensitive topic. Instead of bringing it up in a demanding way, ask her how she feels about sex and go from there. The chances are you’ll be able to find out if you’re compatible that way without seeming pushy and creepy.


yeah, its just a matter of being able to discuss it or bring it up in a healthy manner, so that way, i can avoid ending up in a sexless relationship ever again.


It seems to be a reoccurring theme of autistic men ending up dating or in relationships with women who aren't into sex. I think this is largely down to such women facing regular rejection, leading them to think that the quieter, more socially awkard men make a better match but they often don't.

It's easy to figure out if they're not into sex or physical intimacy though. Honestly, the red flags are on full display early on and there isn't much of a need to be straight-up with them early on. If they're stringing you along for a long period of time, thinking you don't need physical intimacy because you're autistic then yeah, be straight up and tell them to take a hike but most times a flirty chat is enough to guage what they'll be like.

Women who are into physical intimacy always like a but of flirty back and forth. One which doesn't is a red flag.

I had the same with a woman i dated years ago. Didn't really do much the first few dates, it was just getting to know each other but after the 3rd date I tried flirting a bit and she was luke warm. She told me she was a virgin on the sixth date and wanted to wait until marriage. Her ideal marriage age was 35, like heck was that OK with me for a lot of reasons. I lost interest and after not showing up for a date, partly because I lost interest and covid problems, I told her that her sexual immaturity was a big problem and we parted ways. Being stuck with a 30 year old who calls penises "sausages" and was blinkered about the dangers of middle aged marriage wasn't my idea of a quality woman to me.

Now I know the warning signs. This wasn't the first time it's happened to me.



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04 Jun 2024, 1:53 pm

Nades wrote:
Women who are into physical intimacy always like a but of flirty back and forth. One which doesn't is a red flag.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. All women are different. I bet even asexual women find flirting fun/enjoyable. Being asexual doesn’t mean that there isn’t any physical intimacy either. People can not be into sex but enjoy kissing, cuddling, and stuff like that.

I’m not asexual. I’m just saying that you can’t really categorize people. Nothing beats respectful, open communication when the time is right.

Most often, people who are asexual are upfront about it. Most people aren’t asexual.


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04 Jun 2024, 2:10 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
Nades wrote:
Women who are into physical intimacy always like a but of flirty back and forth. One which doesn't is a red flag.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. All women are different. I bet even asexual women find flirting fun/enjoyable. Being asexual doesn’t mean that there isn’t any physical intimacy either. People can not be into sex but enjoy kissing, cuddling, and stuff like that.

I’m not asexual. I’m just saying that you can’t really categorize people. Nothing beats respectful, open communication when the time is right.


There are always women who vary, but I found the ones who have an interest in sexual activity, are always open and honest about it pretty early on. Many like it when a bone is chucked at them so they can sink their teeth into it a bit. Some of them just love talking about it, something weird they done in the past is a firm favourite topic.

If someone doesn't bite and has other problems, then it'll be a long uphill battle and the squeeze isn't worth the juice the older and more entrenched these problems become assuming they fail to address them.

Religion + virginity past 25 is a complete no go for me. Constant avoiding of stressors is another no go. Both are nothing but hard work for someone with limited social skills to deal with.

It's easier giving these people a wide birth and going after more fruitful pursuits for anyone in general, both men or women, autistic or not.



WantToHaveALife
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04 Jun 2024, 2:51 pm

Nades wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Yeah, if i ever meet someone new, and we start a relationship, i feel i should bring up to them early on, have a very early discussion on how sex or just physical intimacy is important to me, it matters me, its non-negotiable, and if you, the other person, has issues or problems with sex, physical intimacy, is uncomfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't be a couple, just be straight up with them like that, so that way, we don't waste each others time.
If you put it like that - like a non-negotiable ultimatum, the chances are she’ll dump you even if you would’ve been compatible sexually because pushiness about sex is a huge red flag. You might want to think about it before you proceed in that direction.

It’s a sensitive topic. Instead of bringing it up in a demanding way, ask her how she feels about sex and go from there. The chances are you’ll be able to find out if you’re compatible that way without seeming pushy and creepy.


yeah, its just a matter of being able to discuss it or bring it up in a healthy manner, so that way, i can avoid ending up in a sexless relationship ever again.


It seems to be a reoccurring theme of autistic men ending up dating or in relationships with women who aren't into sex. I think this is largely down to such women facing regular rejection, leading them to think that the quieter, more socially awkard men make a better match but they often don't.

It's easy to figure out if they're not into sex or physical intimacy though. Honestly, the red flags are on full display early on and there isn't much of a need to be straight-up with them early on. If they're stringing you along for a long period of time, thinking you don't need physical intimacy because you're autistic then yeah, be straight up and tell them to take a hike but most times a flirty chat is enough to guage what they'll be like.

Women who are into physical intimacy always like a but of flirty back and forth. One which doesn't is a red flag.

I had the same with a woman i dated years ago. Didn't really do much the first few dates, it was just getting to know each other but after the 3rd date I tried flirting a bit and she was luke warm. She told me she was a virgin on the sixth date and wanted to wait until marriage. Her ideal marriage age was 35, like heck was that OK with me for a lot of reasons. I lost interest and after not showing up for a date, partly because I lost interest and covid problems, I told her that her sexual immaturity was a big problem and we parted ways. Being stuck with a 30 year old who calls penises "sausages" and was blinkered about the dangers of middle aged marriage wasn't my idea of a quality woman to me.

Now I know the warning signs. This wasn't the first time it's happened to me.


are you saying that was the case for you and other men with autism that you know of? as in, the women they dated, had relationships with, the women were not into sex? they were sexless relationships or mostly sexless?