33 year old never been in a relationship- need help.

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bee33
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09 Apr 2024, 4:39 pm

rse92 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
rse92 wrote:
Are you overweight?
Are you fit? Do you work out?
Do you live on your own or with your parents, siblings or other relatives?
Do you drive a car? Do you own a car?
Do you have a career? If not, do you have a full time job?
Are you neat and well groomed? Do you wear age appropriate, well fitting clothes?
Do you have savings? Are you in significant debt??
Have you put away childish things? Do you refrain from porn?

If you were an eligible woman, would you date you?

I'm sorry but these are all red herrings. There are plenty of men who can answer no to these questions who have romantic partners.

Yes, make yourself appealing to the extent that you can, at least by wearing clothes that look good on you and making sure you have showered and brushed your teeth, but beyond that most of these things don't matter if you find the right partner for you.


She's right, OP. Forget about what I suggested. Let us know when you have found the right partner.

I know you're being sarcastic but I am right about this. It's been discussed endlessly on WP in case you missed it. This is a litany of unnecessary pressures that have no bearing on finding a partner and it can only cause distress and a sense of hopelessness. When looking for a romantic partner, you're not casting a net to catch as many fish as possible, you're only looking for the right fish for you.



Mor33
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09 Apr 2024, 4:40 pm

Thank you all for your perspective and insight.

A lot of those points mentioned previously I would say are work in progress ATM.

Are you overweight? Not excessively but a bit yes
Are you fit? Do you work out? Yes but always room for improvement.
Do you live on your own or with your parents, siblings or other relatives? I live with mum, brother and sister.
Do you drive a car? Do you own a car? Not at the moment as I work from home.
Do you have a career? If not, do you have a full time job? I'm in full time employment.
Are you neat and well groomed? Do you wear age appropriate, well fitting clothes? An area I need to improve on
Do you have savings? Are you in significant debt?? Not something I'd discuss.
Have you put away childish things? Do you refrain from porn? Yes and have used in a misguided attempt to compensate for X,Y and z.



rse92
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09 Apr 2024, 4:51 pm

Mor33 wrote:
Thank you all for your perspective and insight.

A lot of those points mentioned previously I would say are work in progress ATM.

Are you overweight? Not excessively but a bit yes
Are you fit? Do you work out? Yes but always room for improvement.
Do you live on your own or with your parents, siblings or other relatives? I live with mum, brother and sister.
Do you drive a car? Do you own a car? Not at the moment as I work from home.
Do you have a career? If not, do you have a full time job? I'm in full time employment.
Are you neat and well groomed? Do you wear age appropriate, well fitting clothes? An area I need to improve on
Do you have savings? Are you in significant debt?? Not something I'd discuss.
Have you put away childish things? Do you refrain from porn? Yes and have used in a misguided attempt to compensate for X,Y and z.


You didn’t have to answer but I think it is good that you are trying to improve upon your eligibility.



Minervx_2
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16 Apr 2024, 11:21 am

Mor33 wrote:
I would like to ask you for good advice please?


I'm 32. I've spend most of my 20's without much of any dating/relationship experience, and that's changed the past few years. Here's what I'd suggest.

Start by making friends and finding social groups as a foundation. This will (a) help you develop your social skills which will help you when you date and (b) you'll have people you can go out places with, which will make you more likely to go out places and meet people.

Another option - if you're a bit more on the introverted side - is online dating, but you'll want to put a lot of work into your profile to get matches. Read/watch guides on portrait photography. Get a decent camera or phone. Get the lighting and quality right. Take hundreds of photos and pick the best 5. Keep taking more pics and update the best ones.

When women I've dated ask me questions like "how many partners have I had" and "how long was your longest relationship", I was 100% honest with them and I did not feel any sense of shame about it.

I told them the truth: that I didn't date much in my 20's because of introversion and social anxiety; a lot of times I'd have a crush but not really make a move. But the past few years, I've improved a lot and open to people.

^ If someone actually likes you and cares about you, they'll understand. They'll respect that you're honest, and respect that you've been working on improving yourself.

You may have to meet lots of people before you find someone who is really into you, but once you do, they won't care at all about your lack of experience. And if anything, they'd be happy to be your first, and teach you a few things.



Minervx_2
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16 Apr 2024, 11:27 am

Mor33 wrote:
A lot of those points mentioned previously I would say are work in progress ATM.

....


People are more than just scoreboard of material attributes. (And oftentimes, people will "waive" these requirements if they're attracted to you and love your personality).

You don't have to be perfect. Lots of imperfect people find love. You have the basics: you're a decent person, working on goals, and work full-time. The right person for you will understand.

Being a little bit overweight is fine. You don't need an amazing wardrobe, but hygiene, a good haircut and clothes that fit can go a long way.



Jakki
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16 Apr 2024, 11:57 am

rse92 wrote:
Are you overweight?
Are you fit? Do you work out?
Do you live on your own or with your parents, siblings or other relatives?
Do you drive a car? Do you own a car?
Do you have a career? If not, do you have a full time job?
Are you neat and well groomed? Do you wear age appropriate, well fitting clothes?
Do you have savings? Are you in significant debt??
Have you put away childish things? Do you refrain from porn?

If you were an eligible woman, would you date you?


Like this Post ....pretty factual ...these would be basic groundwork for just trying to open a relationship ,most possibly!
Grooming is one if the biggest ..i think ....Then masking with a leaning towards appearing Self cinfident, without overdoing it . And be considerant of her feelings . Listen , more than talk . be interested, Perhaps , sort out her likes and dislikes , If she likes candies , "Send" sone candies to her etc. Leave small brief notes ,that are written with an eye towards sounding supportive. These are just intial investment in the situation , to make things ho forward ..with many women . Also consider the persons situation in life ..Maybe she likes wine, or beer and people who are construction workers...But think with these things in mind. Most wonen can also appreciate a guy ,who is big into self improvement
very probably . Let you standards be high :D


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WantToHaveALife
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01 May 2024, 12:03 am

another reminder on how i've had this mindset for years now, i get annoyed when people call it a skillset, thats because my mindset and perspective has changed.



Jakki
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01 May 2024, 7:57 am

Hard not to get Jaded, when you hope and try for a friend/ relationship for years upon years ..But if you can hang onto the mindset.. that maybe following the ideas of good self care . Its like a very long training program , most Aspies go through to be able to get to the Friend relationship stage ...And perhaps just have better long term growth ? to prepare ?


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04 May 2024, 7:19 am

yeah reaching 30+ and never having dated/been in a relationship before, is either the norm or just quite common for men with autism, on the spectrum.



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04 May 2024, 11:22 am

Thought of a saying here.. just a rythmic thought...."You can have a life without a woman , but you need to get a Life to have better hopes of being involved with a woman ...."
Suffer the Slings and arrows of risking going out and living your life in and around people..And leave yourself lots of time to recover your spoons inbetweent .
If opportunity exists to get a medical "certificate" or a phd,Doctorate. Instant magnet , for women wanting a financially secure life ,Which assuages some of their concerns about being involved with someone ,who might have other deficits in their abilities to socialize And might afford many more opportunities to socialize , very possibly for a male Aspie..And keep doing all the little niceties for a woman throughout your yoour lives together .
But this is just wild speculation on my part . Everybody is different .
Professional persoms , or devoted trades person . or sometimes just focusing on your special interest,if it is a money making role could be an attractive item too for many woman .
These are just random thoughts that have ocurred to me in this thread


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08 May 2024, 4:29 am

yes, indeed those social skills can a impetus to moving ahead, with many women...but you must assess the woman too I think , and appearing desperate, when in a new relationship can backfire , I think.And sometimes , it just takes getting alittle older and becoming comfortable with yourself...and this shows up, in someones radar aswell. Then you might apply the estlier me5hods , that I wrote of . Maybe somewhere , thereis such a thing as interpersonal relationship therapists?.? 8O


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11 May 2024, 11:23 am

Mikurotoro92 wrote:

The way to turn a friendship into a relationship is by hanging out with someone long enough so you get to see their true colors and most importantly you will start to develop romantic feelings for them!! !

This is what will get you from a "friendship" to a "relationship"!

Then comes the first date, first kiss, sex, engagement, marriage and children...

The process is actually VERY straightforward

It's just time-consuming and slow (dating)


Not always. Sometimes dating first does work. My wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in a couple of months, and we didn't start out as friends first. We were sort of acquaintances first but pretty much got to know each other through dating. i have another friend who has been married 22 years or so who was set up with his wife on a blind date.

Now I do have one friend who has been married a little longer than me who know his wife the whole time growing up.



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19 May 2024, 2:56 am

Jakki wrote:
yes, indeed those social skills can a impetus to moving ahead, with many women...but you must assess the woman too I think , and appearing desperate, when in a new relationship can backfire , I think.And sometimes , it just takes getting alittle older and becoming comfortable with yourself...and this shows up, in someones radar aswell. Then you might apply the estlier me5hods , that I wrote of . Maybe somewhere , thereis such a thing as interpersonal relationship therapists?.? 8O
Me acting too desperate is part of the reason my second girlfriend broke up with me. However my third(& still current) girlfriend was interested in me partly because she thought I'd be willing to give her a chance & be more accepting of her having various issues. Some of the reason why was because I was desperate but also because I have experience dealing with my own various issues. So I guess in a way it's a combo of desperation & being older & more understanding of myself & how to handle things.



ProfessorJohn wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:

The way to turn a friendship into a relationship is by hanging out with someone long enough so you get to see their true colors and most importantly you will start to develop romantic feelings for them!! !

This is what will get you from a "friendship" to a "relationship"!

Then comes the first date, first kiss, sex, engagement, marriage and children...

The process is actually VERY straightforward

It's just time-consuming and slow (dating)


Not always. Sometimes dating first does work. My wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in a couple of months, and we didn't start out as friends first. We were sort of acquaintances first but pretty much got to know each other through dating. i have another friend who has been married 22 years or so who was set up with his wife on a blind date.

Now I do have one friend who has been married a little longer than me who know his wife the whole time growing up.
Me & my first girlfriend were online best friends before she told me she liked me. However I wasn't friends with my second or third before we got in a relationship. Me & Cass have been living together for over 11 years now but both my previous relationships only lasted bout 6 months.

In my experience lots of stereotypical advice didn't work or couldn't be applied. Plus people can vary a lot & lots of things could be situational. If something is not working it may help to try different approaches.


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Jakki
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19 May 2024, 4:37 am

QUOTE;Jakki wrote:
yes, indeed those social skills can a impetus to moving ahead, with many women...but you must assess the woman too I think , and appearing desperate, when in a new relationship can backfire , I think.And sometimes , it just takes getting alittle older and becoming comfortable with yourself...and this shows up, in someones radar aswell. Then you might apply the estlier me5hods , that I wrote of . Maybe somewhere , thereis such a thing as interpersonal relationship therapists?.? 8O
Me acting too desperate is part of the reason my second girlfriend broke up with me. However my third(& still current) girlfriend was interested in me partly because she thought I'd be willing to give her a chance & be more accepting of her having various issues. Some of the reason why was because I was desperate but also because I have experience dealing with my own various issues. So I guess in a way it's a combo of desperation & being older & more understanding of myself & how to handle things.

Congradulations,,,little things to remind her directly could add , body to a Love/ friend relationship, little notes hidden in stuff she uses, might give a greater body to any friendship, as long as they seem to be welcome.

You do not have to be desperate to let your intended friend ,that they are appreciated, a tiny note or etc. :D
just a thought


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21 May 2024, 4:09 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:

The way to turn a friendship into a relationship is by hanging out with someone long enough so you get to see their true colors and most importantly you will start to develop romantic feelings for them!! !

This is what will get you from a "friendship" to a "relationship"!

Then comes the first date, first kiss, sex, engagement, marriage and children...

The process is actually VERY straightforward

It's just time-consuming and slow (dating)


i assume with your wife, you were the one that asked her out and courted her, had to take the lead with her.

Not always. Sometimes dating first does work. My wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in a couple of months, and we didn't start out as friends first. We were sort of acquaintances first but pretty much got to know each other through dating. i have another friend who has been married 22 years or so who was set up with his wife on a blind date.

Now I do have one friend who has been married a little longer than me who know his wife the whole time growing up.



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21 May 2024, 5:43 pm

Yes I did have to take the lead and ask her out. That was scary. I did have one serious girlfriend before her where we were friends first for a couple of months before she suggested that we go out on a date.