How do you find hope?

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My abysmal ability to trust others disappeared when my ex left me a year ago. I used to believe I would be better in the long run if I tried to put up with classmates and co-workers with a smile, forcing myself to engange in their chatter and try to care about their inanities. It pleased her, and she gave me illusion for the future, so I guess it paid off in the end. Of course, I can't empathize with humanity at all. I have tried to forget my school experience as soon as possible, but I make enemies everywhere I go just for being there. Two years ago a classmate tried to make me suspended from the class because she had "the right to feel comfortable in class". She apparently couldn't stand me not laughing at her stupidities and not smiling when she wanted to interrupt every class' workflow. Nowadays I'm at a training center to get a better job, but some people I've never talked to gossip behind my back constantly, close the door on my face and laugh about any error in my responses. I don't care about these people, but it kills my concentration, and some days I dread waking up in the mornings. I no longer bother to pretend that people interest me or that I feel well around them, as I have problems with anxiety and depersonalization (although this last one is wearing off). I usually hide with a book and a cup of coffee until the class starts again. Work wasn't better, and I'm terrified to find a job again. I know these kind of things will happen over and over. I don't see any pay off to pain that they cause.

I used to write, but I no longer see the point in doing so. I haven't been able to put together a sentence of fiction in months. I used to love it; in fact, nothing else, except my girlfriend at the time, made me feel so accomplished. Even bothering to make up stories in my head tires and stresses me. On holidays I got light headed if I stayed indoors, so I used to go out and read a book. I stopped doing it as I couldn't manage the noises and presence of people around me. I bought a bike. I didn't like going around with it, as it seemed more of an effort than anything else, but it felt good afterwards. I grew tired of it in three months. Last time I tried to go out was a week and a couple of days ago, when I went for a walk and came back thirty minutes later. Now I can't get out of bed in the mornings. I sleep from three in the morning to thirteen in the afternoon. After eating, I sleep for four hours. I'm tired the rest of the time.

These five months I've been seeing a therapist of the gestalt variety. I talk for an hour, I pay him, I feel like puking and I can't concentrate for the rest of the day, as if I was betraying myself. Talking doesn't help except for lessening my anxiety and paranoia. I used to validate myself in what I believed to be the standard of society in every aspect of my life, which was always higher than I could reach, so I never felt satisfied with my job and with my performance dealing with people. I partially blame both my mother and my ex on this, but I'm sure I've fueled it quite a bit myself. With therapy, I became more content with doing and ambitioning nothing. I no longer feel like those days are a waste, but I don't get anything done either. I have moments where I want to learn more about some particular subject, so I buy several books and read, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not getting anything of it either, like it's just wasted time. Then I get interested in something else and I do it again.

I can't lie to myself. My experiences tell me I will make enemies in every job I get, if I manage to pass the interviews. I doubt I'm going to find a new girlfriend, as I obviously suck at those games. I was a bit overweight at the end of the relationship; I'm losing weight rapidly, but I'm going bald at a extremely fast rate, to my disgrace. I'm disgusted with myself. I hate everything I am and what I've become. I wish to die every day, and the only reason I keep going is because I promised myself I would stick around to see what happens. Still, I cry almost every day and feel like I'm sitting in the bottom of a well with no way of getting out.

So, how do you get anything done? How do you manage to maintain your hobbies? If you used to feel like this, how did you get better? Are you happy now?

Thank you for reading.

Well, actually I didnt bother to read all of it. But I know this, your depressed man, to the point where youve lost all motivation. When things were just beginning to get really bad, I used to love to write as well, I wrote many songs, poems, and even a couple of novels back in the day. I sketched a lot, and I loved learning as well. Id read up on just about any subject except for math and that would make my day. Another thing is that I loved making music with my keyboard, but that was years ago. I was a really creative person, but the only thing that came out in my creativity was the negativity and obscurity that was brewing within me so not many people appreciated my works. Anyway, eventually I became TOO depressed to have motivation for anything, just like you. And here I am. How to deal with it? Well bottling it up inside is the worst thing you can do, so I would suggest the one thing that helps me the best: laughing. Unrealistic? Not really. Usually the Cheech and Chong movies, the adult swim network, and other comical media does the trick for me. After laughing through an entire movie or tv show I feel loads better through out the entire night, and sometimes into the morning when I wake up!

Oh, and to answer your actual question lol, how do I get things done and maintain my hobbies? I basically dont. Sorry. At least not until I can figure out a way to put myself in a good life, and I wont be so depressed anymore. But making yourself feel better for a little while usually isnt that hard. Unless your really upset about something of course.

How do I get anything done...I do not know how.
I have basically switched off my emotions and am doing everything on automatic. Sticking to daily routines helps me as I don't have to think about what I have to do because I already know what to do.

How do I manage to maintain my hobbies...I incorporate them into my daily routine, a scheduled time to spend on them each day.

How did I get better...I motivated myself.
I wrote down the pros and cons about staying home and doing nothing with my life, and the pros and cons of getting further education, which was my plan. In the end, I came up with no pros about staying home, other than not having to face people ever again, but in the long-run that is a negative anyway. I went out and enrolled in a course which technically ment that I had to go on the first day, so I had no excuse but to get up on that day and go.

Am I happy now...to be honest I dont know.
But I am feeling much more motivated and always looking foward to waking up the next morning.

I to, used to want to die everyday. But something kept me on this planet, for some odd reason whenever I tried to leave it, something kept on bringing me back. I am ever so greatful for this, I never thought that my life would get better, and it has.
But only you can make these changes, no-one else can make you motivated.

My current therapist thinks I have major depression on top of it, yes. I see how all the symptoms fit. But he's the kind of professional that doesn't believe in meds, so he tries to snap people out of it by correcting their viewpoints, assumptions, etc. I don't think this is something that can be fixed that way. Most of the time I don't have a particular reason to feel horrible, but I still do. I don't know if meds are the answer either, so I'm eager to hear other people's experiences.

I think laughing is a good remedy I have to try. I have the tendency to read or to watch only "profound" fiction, as in stories that move me deeply. I see how this could make me more depressed, but the other stuff doesn't tell me anything. I see it, I forget about it. But if it actually makes me feel better, maybe I should ditch the other kind for a while.

I'm terrified I'll have to accept that the creativity of the early twenties just fades under depression and/or the pressures of work. I believe I would be able to publish if I had the energy to go on, but fighting with myself leaves me exhausted.

I guess I'm just upset with life in general. Nothing works, and I can't make it work either.

Thanks for replying.

I have no illusion about my condition and my future.
Regardless of all my efforts there is no improvement in my social or professional life,and since I'm in my early 30-es I'm fully convinced that it would stay that way.

And to be honest many Aspies should give up delusional thinking and see reality in all its ugliness.
We will never be accepted by NT's (with exception of our family members).We are not liked by them,and we are mostly target of their sadism and ridicule.

Only thing that makes me going is hatred and rage toward NT's and their society.Hatred is only thing that saved me from suicide.
This is perhaps 'bad' thinking,but in reality it is very useful for maintaining dignified existence.

Yes,there are good NT's , but in reality no one gives a damn about 'freak' and 'weirdo'.

I ceased to blame myself for long time ago.I now blame nature that makes me this way and blame sadistic society that manipulate with me in sense that constantly teases me and makes a promises,and then reject me with cynical grin.


P.S

This is angry and bitter message...yes.But enough is enough.
I know well that NT's don't like me,but I started to disliked them..a lot.
I'm sick of terror of so called 'normality',tired of football,beer,yelling and laughing and screaming,tired of stupid music,tired of stupid morons that are loved and respected,while I only get ridicule and rejection.

Witt mentioned hatred. Well that's what helps me get over all the failed relationships and rejections when I have asked someone out. I'm not sure if its advisable, like if a counselor would advise hatred. But that is what has gotten me over relationships faster than I witness friend's get over their failed marriages or relationships. I hate all but one of the women I have dated. Three of my ex's I would not be the least bit sad if they got struck by an asteroid.

To a lesser extent I get over people that make fun of me by hating them too. As my martial arts master once said "I'm not prejudice; I hate everyone equally".

Otherwise I have no other advise for hope or living in this world. I kinda stumble through life. Always have. If anyone finds out how to have real hope or happiness, please PM me the secret.

What I do, in almost 'any' situation to find hope, is workout.
This martial art thing really works you know... it's great for building character, and this gets you into exercise and you'll feel happier because of it.

I find pessimissm keeps me going, ironically.

All the people throughout my life who have told me that I would never amount to nothing are my motivation. Giving up is the one thing that they want me to do. They want me to just disappear, and leave their "perfect" little world alone. But I choose not to give them the satisfaction. I've embraced the "outcast" image that everyone seems to pin on me.

In short, I don't give a !@#& anymore. I just keep pressing on, and doing my thing.

not wanting to die is a good enough reason for me.. also i am in love with sportscards

I find hope in my work, my pets and my interests. I consider myself fortunate. I had some hard times when I was younger with bullying, but things improved dramatically once those people were out of the picture.

I made a decision this year to work toward achieving my goals. I have sent in a manuscript of a book about my cat Samantha and other pets into a publisher. I am still awaiting word. I am planning improvements in case it isn't accepted. I want to get my driver's license and get a full time job. I am well behind where I should be at my age, except for educational attainment, the one area of my life where I am overdeveloped. I am reasonably certain that I can be successful in these areas. Love, dating and marriage are not areas I am certain I can compete.

I think I know where you are coming from I was a bit like that towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year but I had things in my personal life where I thought I had no hope around about March/April time this year and going into the summer but I learnt the best thing to do is to let go of the problem and try your best to be yourself I know it's a hard thing to say but it is best in a long run.

I use to hide my traits alot and that caused alot of depression and that also caused the problems in my personal life. Just being yourself helps.

I identify very much with the OP. I won't add any more, so as not to get people down here.