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sr71
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15 Apr 2024, 4:37 am

My wife says she loves me but we live like two strangers in a house. Sex is a long-distant memory, intimacy doesn't exist. But we don't fight, we get along, we are friends, we have a comfortable life so why do I feel so lonely? Not really sure what anybody can say I guess I have to put up and shut up or do something about it. But the thought of so much change is frightening.



ToughDiamond
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17 Apr 2024, 4:29 pm

sr71 wrote:
My wife says she loves me but we live like two strangers in a house. Sex is a long-distant memory, intimacy doesn't exist. But we don't fight, we get along, we are friends, we have a comfortable life so why do I feel so lonely? Not really sure what anybody can say I guess I have to put up and shut up or do something about it. But the thought of so much change is frightening.

I think it's entirely normal to feel lonely if you've known more closeness in the relationship and it's now faded back into something more distant.

It might be possible to talk about it. If it were me I'd want to ask her if she's noticed anything wrong in terms of the closeness you used to have, whether or not she's happy with the current situation, and whether or not she'd like it to get back to something more like it used to be. Once you've sounded out her attitude to the matter, it might become clearer about whether there's any point in your trying to improve on things.

Or maybe it would be better to just start showing a bit more warmth to her on occasion, just in small ways, without saying anything about your concerns, to see if she starts to reciprocate your overtures.

These types of intervention shouldn't feel difficult, but I think for many of us they often do feel that way. There's a certain psychological vulnerability about expressing a desire for more closeness with a person and making little warm overtures. Probably fear of being rebuffed. I can be quite weak in that way myself, and it seems I'd rather let things slide than take such risks, unless I get really worried about the consequences of inaction and decide I have to steel myself up to trying to do something responsible. In real life I often pretend not to feel lonely or needy, as some kind of emotional defense strategy - consciously I somewhat disapprove of myself for being that way, but I don't know what I'm dealing with and my instinct seems to keep me from changing it much. I'm quite good at giving healthy advice while remaining a bit of a basket case myself.



sr71
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18 Apr 2024, 12:52 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
sr71 wrote:
My wife says she loves me but we live like two strangers in a house. Sex is a long-distant memory, intimacy doesn't exist. But we don't fight, we get along, we are friends, we have a comfortable life so why do I feel so lonely? Not really sure what anybody can say I guess I have to put up and shut up or do something about it. But the thought of so much change is frightening.

I think it's entirely normal to feel lonely if you've known more closeness in the relationship and it's now faded back into something more distant.

It might be possible to talk about it. If it were me I'd want to ask her if she's noticed anything wrong in terms of the closeness you used to have, whether or not she's happy with the current situation, and whether or not she'd like it to get back to something more like it used to be. Once you've sounded out her attitude to the matter, it might become clearer about whether there's any point in your trying to improve on things.

Or maybe it would be better to just start showing a bit more warmth to her on occasion, just in small ways, without saying anything about your concerns, to see if she starts to reciprocate your overtures.

These types of intervention shouldn't feel difficult, but I think for many of us they often do feel that way. There's a certain psychological vulnerability about expressing a desire for more closeness with a person and making little warm overtures. Probably fear of being rebuffed. I can be quite weak in that way myself, and it seems I'd rather let things slide than take such risks, unless I get really worried about the consequences of inaction and decide I have to steel myself up to trying to do something responsible. In real life I often pretend not to feel lonely or needy, as some kind of emotional defense strategy - consciously I somewhat disapprove of myself for being that way, but I don't know what I'm dealing with and my instinct seems to keep me from changing it much. I'm quite good at giving healthy advice while remaining a bit of a basket case myself.


Thank you for the advice especially the part about showing or making the small gestures that is something I find really difficult not sure why, maybe ASD, maybe CSA, or perhaps just because I am a man.



ToughDiamond
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18 Apr 2024, 1:10 am

^
You're welcome. I don't know why I have that reluctance to make small affectionate gestures either. You could be right about it simply being down to the "typical bloke" syndrome, which curiously has been a view of ASD expressed by some folks, though others say it's not a good view.

Anyway, I hope you manage to give it a try if no better way of trying to improve matters comes to your attention. Somewhere between divorce and acceptance I like to think there must be some kind of third way that's less negative than either extreme.