One man’s experience of a female stalker

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QuantumChemist
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27 Apr 2024, 10:51 am

This topic has triggered me greatly. It is hard for me to write this but I was stalked by no less than three women (classmates) in grad school. All of their advances were gently rebuffed by me. Each of them just would not stop. They would pop up unexpected at different places that I was at after school. I had to change my plans several times to avoid each of them. My friends kept trying to push me towards one, but I was not interested in her.

One of them got sent back to her country of Georgia after she broke some graduate school rules (physically violent). While she had many men followers lusting after her, she had a very ugly personality inside (abusive). She tried to get me fired from my teaching assistant position when I did not fall for her advances. My “friends” at the time slammed me for this one. They could not see why I would say no to her.

One of them flunked out after a year in grad school. She joined my research group to try to get to me. This lead to me working around her schedule in the lab. She invited the research group over to her house several times. I was forced to go. Each time she tried to slip alcohol into my drink, even knowing that I am allergic to it. One of my group members told me later that she wanted to get me drunk and have her way with me. Again, she was not my type.

The last one was also the worst one. She got so bad that she moved into an apartment building next to mine so she could keep tabs on me. She was bipolar and often did not take her medications. We worked in the same lab area. Something would not go right with her experiment and she would take it out on me verbally. I had radioactive glassware thrown at me by her (only light cuts). She would pop up later like nothing had happened and follow me around. I tried to report her behavior, but no one believed me. She was the star of my research group. That lead to a lot of tension between me and my research advisor. Even after we had graduated, she was still trying to figure out where I went. I put up false information on my social media accounts to hide from her. She finally left me lone after a year off her radar. I had no attraction to her.

I do not understand why they had to cross in my path of life. What did I do to deserve their attention in the first place? That is something I do not think I can answer.



babybird
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27 Apr 2024, 10:53 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
babybird wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
Sometimes the implication is there without the actual word being used.


A former female member of this site used to accuse me of this all the time. She was wrong

Anyway I have very little to add to this thread so I'm oot


A former female member accused you of being a misandrist?

I haven't seen any evidence of you hating on men.

Quite the opposite really. Your posts seem more favourable to men than anything else?!


No no not that. She used to accuse me of implying things in my posts that were meant for her. I couldn't win with her. She didn't understand that her interpretation was wrong because she thought her feelings on what I wrote were right.

I don't even know what misandrist means


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babybird
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27 Apr 2024, 10:55 am

QuantumChemist wrote:
This topic has triggered me greatly. It is hard for me to write this but I was stalked by no less than three women (classmates) in grad school. All of their advances were gently rebuffed by me. Each of them just would not stop. They would pop up unexpected at different places that I was at after school. I had to change my plans several times to avoid each of them. My friends kept trying to push me towards one, but I was not interested in her.

One of them got sent back to her country of Georgia after she broke some graduate school rules (physically violent). While she had many men followers lusting after her, she had a very ugly personality inside (abusive). She tried to get me fired from my teaching assistant position when I did not fall for her advances. My “friends” at the time slammed me for this one. They could not see why I would say no to her.

One of them flunked out after a year in grad school. She joined my research group to try to get to me. This lead to me working around her schedule in the lab. She invited the research group over to her house several times. I was forced to go. Each time she tried to slip alcohol into my drink, even knowing that I am allergic to it. One of my group members told me later that she wanted to get me drunk and have her way with me. Again, she was not my type.

The last one was also the worst one. She got so bad that she moved into an apartment building next to mine so she could keep tabs on me. She was bipolar and often did not take her medications. We worked in the same lab area. Something would not go right with her experiment and she would take it out on me verbally. I had radioactive glassware thrown at me by her (only light cuts). She would pop up later like nothing had happened and follow me around. I tried to report her behavior, but no one believed me. She was the star of my research group. That lead to a lot of tension between me and my research advisor. Even after we had graduated, she was still trying to figure out where I went. I put up false information on my social media accounts to hide from her. She finally left me lone after a year off her radar. I had no attraction to her.

I do not understand why they had to cross in my path of life. What did I do to deserve their attention in the first place? That is something I do not think I can answer.


Sorry man....


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 10:59 am

babybird wrote:
No no not that. She used to accuse me of implying things in my posts that were meant for her. I couldn't win with her. She didn't understand that her interpretation was wrong because she thought her feelings on what I wrote were right.

I don't even know what misandrist means


Oh right.

I think that sometimes, if one person implies something about someone else, even if only one time or only sometimes, then it can appear as though that is happening regularly to the other person, even when it isn't.

For example, on contentious issues that the person who feels as though they are having posts implied against them - that they have an interest in, it must be because they are being targeted. :roll:

I.e, "this topic is about abuse which I am personally affected by and I had a disagreement with the OP elsewhere on the forum about something else, therefore this thread is about me" (even when it isn't).



Last edited by blitzkrieg on 27 Apr 2024, 11:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

babybird
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27 Apr 2024, 11:04 am

If I have something to say about a person I'll say it. I don't need to use cryptic messages

Anyway you are right this thread is about how stalking affects men and there is a very important post two or three up from this that shouldn't go unnoticeabed as it was brave of the person to post it


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 11:07 am

babybird wrote:
If I have something to say about a person I'll say it. I don't need to use cryptic messages

Anyway you are right this thread is about how stalking affects men and there is a very important post two or three up from this that shouldn't go unnoticeabed as it was brave of the person to post it


I'll respond to his post now - thank you for pointing that out.

The forum is loading horribly slowly for me today, so apologies for any late posts....



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 11:10 am

QuantumChemist wrote:
This topic has triggered me greatly. It is hard for me to write this but I was stalked by no less than three women (classmates) in grad school. All of their advances were gently rebuffed by me. Each of them just would not stop. They would pop up unexpected at different places that I was at after school. I had to change my plans several times to avoid each of them. My friends kept trying to push me towards one, but I was not interested in her.

One of them got sent back to her country of Georgia after she broke some graduate school rules (physically violent). While she had many men followers lusting after her, she had a very ugly personality inside (abusive). She tried to get me fired from my teaching assistant position when I did not fall for her advances. My “friends” at the time slammed me for this one. They could not see why I would say no to her.

One of them flunked out after a year in grad school. She joined my research group to try to get to me. This lead to me working around her schedule in the lab. She invited the research group over to her house several times. I was forced to go. Each time she tried to slip alcohol into my drink, even knowing that I am allergic to it. One of my group members told me later that she wanted to get me drunk and have her way with me. Again, she was not my type.

The last one was also the worst one. She got so bad that she moved into an apartment building next to mine so she could keep tabs on me. She was bipolar and often did not take her medications. We worked in the same lab area. Something would not go right with her experiment and she would take it out on me verbally. I had radioactive glassware thrown at me by her (only light cuts). She would pop up later like nothing had happened and follow me around. I tried to report her behavior, but no one believed me. She was the star of my research group. That lead to a lot of tension between me and my research advisor. Even after we had graduated, she was still trying to figure out where I went. I put up false information on my social media accounts to hide from her. She finally left me lone after a year off her radar. I had no attraction to her.

I do not understand why they had to cross in my path of life. What did I do to deserve their attention in the first place? That is something I do not think I can answer.


I am very sorry to hear about your experience.

Some people just don't take a hint, do they?

Perhaps the mental illness of the person who stalked you might make that person a bit less responsible than if they didn't have such an illness, but still, it is troubling that they engaged in that behaviour and that you had to endure it.



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27 Apr 2024, 11:12 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
I think that sometimes, if one person implies something about someone else, even if only one time or only sometimes, then it can appear as though that is happening regularly to the other person, even when it isn't.

Yeah, that’s why people shouldn’t imply stuff. It can be hard to tell when one is implying and when they aren’t, especially when there is a pattern that seems to trigger the behavior.


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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 27 Apr 2024, 11:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

Cornflake
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27 Apr 2024, 11:13 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
babybird wrote:
No no not that. She used to accuse me of implying things in my posts that were meant for her. I couldn't win with her. She didn't understand that her interpretation was wrong because she thought her feelings on what I wrote were right.

I don't even know what misandrist means


Oh right.

I think that sometimes, if one person implies something about someone else, even if only one time or only sometimes, then it can appear as though that is happening regularly to the other person, even when it isn't.

For example, on contentious issues that the person who feels as though they are having posts implied against them - that they have an interest in, it must be because they are being targeted. :roll:

I.e, "this topic is about abuse which I am personally affected by and I had a disagreement with the OP elsewhere on the forum about something else, therefore this thread is about me" (even when it isn't).
Well let's not pull it further off topic, Ok? :shameonyou:

Misandrist: someone with a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e. the male sex).


(the forum is ridiculously slow today for me too)


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TwilightPrincess
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27 Apr 2024, 11:24 am

QuantumChemist wrote:
This topic has triggered me greatly. It is hard for me to write this but I was stalked by no less than three women (classmates) in grad school. All of their advances were gently rebuffed by me. Each of them just would not stop. They would pop up unexpected at different places that I was at after school. I had to change my plans several times to avoid each of them. My friends kept trying to push me towards one, but I was not interested in her.

One of them got sent back to her country of Georgia after she broke some graduate school rules (physically violent). While she had many men followers lusting after her, she had a very ugly personality inside (abusive). She tried to get me fired from my teaching assistant position when I did not fall for her advances. My “friends” at the time slammed me for this one. They could not see why I would say no to her.

One of them flunked out after a year in grad school. She joined my research group to try to get to me. This lead to me working around her schedule in the lab. She invited the research group over to her house several times. I was forced to go. Each time she tried to slip alcohol into my drink, even knowing that I am allergic to it. One of my group members told me later that she wanted to get me drunk and have her way with me. Again, she was not my type.

The last one was also the worst one. She got so bad that she moved into an apartment building next to mine so she could keep tabs on me. She was bipolar and often did not take her medications. We worked in the same lab area. Something would not go right with her experiment and she would take it out on me verbally. I had radioactive glassware thrown at me by her (only light cuts). She would pop up later like nothing had happened and follow me around. I tried to report her behavior, but no one believed me. She was the star of my research group. That lead to a lot of tension between me and my research advisor. Even after we had graduated, she was still trying to figure out where I went. I put up false information on my social media accounts to hide from her. She finally left me lone after a year off her radar. I had no attraction to her.

I do not understand why they had to cross in my path of life. What did I do to deserve their attention in the first place? That is something I do not think I can answer.

I’m really sorry you experienced that. It seems like people on the spectrum are especially prone to being targeted by toxic people. No one deserves it. That’s for sure.


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27 Apr 2024, 11:41 am

I'm sorry to learn of QC's experience as well. That sounds scary and very unsettling.


I think some of the challenge with this thread is that the OP post is left open-ended. The article tells the story of a person being stalked and mentions how difficult it is for that person to move forward seeking help.

The OP himself (Blitz) doesn't add commentary or a response to article, to indicate which direction he'd like the thread to go. This isn't a complaint against you Blitz, but I'm just pointing out that you didn't say you wanted people to respond with empathy for the man, or by discussing the culture of toxic male conditioning which makes it so difficult for men to report abuse. You didn't give us a direction to take.

I do have empathy for the victim and for all men in this situation. I also understand the reasons why men historically underreport. I just didn't know what type of feedback you were seeking.

I saw the article as an opportunity to discuss the bigger issue of stalking and harassment, toward all victims. I have direct experience with stalking and harassment involving family and criminal law. In fact it's something I'm dealing with currently, so I made a matter-of-fact statement that I could relate, and that the system is broken and very difficult for people to navigate. Maybe that sounded like I wasn't showing enough empathy toward men in particular, but in my opinion, my empathy went without saying.


Men typically struggle to report because of Reasons A, B, or C (male shame). Women might struggle to report because of Reasons A, B, or C (female shame) as well, or perhaps they have different reasons, like the fear of being blamed. I know and appreciate all these reasons, but I didn't know that male shame or disempowerment was intended to be the topic of your thread. The title of the thread isn't about male shame and helplessness either. It's about stalkers. That's why I chose to problem-solve in a proactive way by providing links about victim support, and by saying I've been there myself.

I chose to address the bigger issue of legal loopholes which make reporting difficult regardless of who the victim might be. I hope my comments like "They need to do what everyone else does" weren't taken as indifference toward men. My comment was meant to show that I'm frustrated by the system as a whole, and to highlight the helplessness I feel when anyone is abused or contemplating their next steps into Discoveries with police or the judiciary.

When people are afraid to report or they can't afford legal representation, it's evidence of sexism within society as well as problems within the judiciary, and the way interpersonal crimes are tried. That's why this topic makes me so frustrated. I wish there were better ways to help all victims, even though I think more awareness has been made about men's rights in recent years.


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 11:52 am

Cornflake wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
babybird wrote:
No no not that. She used to accuse me of implying things in my posts that were meant for her. I couldn't win with her. She didn't understand that her interpretation was wrong because she thought her feelings on what I wrote were right.

I don't even know what misandrist means


Oh right.

I think that sometimes, if one person implies something about someone else, even if only one time or only sometimes, then it can appear as though that is happening regularly to the other person, even when it isn't.

For example, on contentious issues that the person who feels as though they are having posts implied against them - that they have an interest in, it must be because they are being targeted. :roll:

I.e, "this topic is about abuse which I am personally affected by and I had a disagreement with the OP elsewhere on the forum about something else, therefore this thread is about me" (even when it isn't).
Well let's not pull it further off topic, Ok? :shameonyou:

Misandrist: someone with a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e. the male sex).


(the forum is ridiculously slow today for me too)


Sorry for going off topic, CF.



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 12:02 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I'm sorry to learn of QC's experience as well. That sounds scary and very unsettling.


I think some of the challenge with this thread is that the OP post is left open-ended. The article tells the story of a person being stalked and mentions how difficult it is for that person to move forward seeking help.

The OP himself (Blitz) doesn't add commentary or a response to article, to indicate which direction he'd like the thread to go. This isn't a complaint against you Blitz, but I'm just pointing out that you didn't say you wanted people to respond with empathy for the man, or by discussing the culture of toxic male conditioning which makes it so difficult for men to report abuse. You didn't give us a direction to take.

I do have empathy for the victim and for all men in this situation. I also understand the reasons why men historically underreport. I just didn't know what type of feedback you were seeking.

I saw the article as an opportunity to discuss the bigger issue of stalking and harassment, toward all victims. I have direct experience with stalking and harassment involving family and criminal law. In fact it's something I'm dealing with currently, so I made a matter-of-fact statement that I could relate, and that the system is broken and very difficult for people to navigate. Maybe that sounded like I wasn't showing enough empathy toward men in particular, but in my opinion, my empathy went without saying.


Men typically struggle to report because of Reasons A, B, or C (male shame). Women might struggle to report because of Reasons A, B, or C (female shame) as well, or perhaps they have different reasons, like the fear of being blamed. I know and appreciate all these reasons, but I didn't know that male shame or disempowerment was intended to be the topic of your thread. The title of the thread isn't about male shame and helplessness either. It's about stalkers. That's why I chose to problem-solve in a proactive way by providing links about victim support, and by saying I've been there myself.

I chose to address the bigger issue of legal loopholes which make reporting difficult regardless of who the victim might be. I hope my comments like "They need to do what everyone else does" weren't taken as indifference toward men. My comment was meant to show that I'm frustrated by the system as a whole, and to highlight the helplessness I feel when anyone is abused or contemplating their next steps into Discoveries with police or the judiciary.

When people are afraid to report or they can't afford legal representation, it's evidence of sexism within society as well as problems within the judiciary, and the way interpersonal crimes are tried. That's why this topic makes me so frustrated. I wish there were better ways to help all victims, even though I think more awareness has been made about men's rights in recent years.


This is true.

To be honest, I was okay with the thread going in any direction. CF's intervention of the thread being off topic wasn't of my doing (I didn't report the thread to the mods or anything like that).

I just mentioned at one point what I thought was relevant to the discussion. It was another member who complained about the thread being hijacked (again, not me).

Anyways - back on topic!

I think stalking is a very bad and scary thing, as some people with their own anecdotes in this thread can attest to.



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27 Apr 2024, 12:22 pm

I think it's a positive sign that so many women participated in this thread. It would have been concerning if women didn't reply or show interest in the topic at all. In that case, it might have been suggested that women don't believe men's testimony, or that women don't respect men's challenges with toxic conditioning, sexism in society, or the law.


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 1:27 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I think it's a positive sign that so many women participated in this thread. It would have been concerning if women didn't reply or show interest in the topic at all. In that case, it might have been suggested that women don't believe men's testimony, or that women don't respect men's challenges with toxic conditioning, sexism in society, or the law.


I agree. Even when disagreements occur, I personally still appreciate a members input into a thread on most occasions - including in this thread.



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27 Apr 2024, 5:05 pm

Thank you everyone for caring. I had to take a break after I posted my experiences as it reopened some parts of my past that I had tried to keep repressed for twenty years. I did not think it would hit home so hard, but it sure did.

It is a lose-lose situation to deal with. I suffered loss of self-esteem (well, what little I had), as I was harassed by my “friends” about the situations. They accused me of being either gay (I am not) or completely dumb for not “scoring” with the women stalkers. Sorry for the crude term, but that was how they were. Said “friends” are no longer friends with me. It has pushed me further away from trusting other “normal” humans.