Struggling with oversharing when asking for help

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__Elijahahahaho
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Joined: 9 Jan 2024
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 152
Location: GERMANY

02 Jun 2024, 3:32 am

How do you ask for help AND

(a) set boundaries with regards to information (what information should be kept - because being fully open is
never the answer, what should be shown)

(b) shape a clear concise request,

When your communication skills are additionally impaired from a stressful incident.

Example responses of "elicitation responses" that later turn out to be predatory in response to an aid request:
- they ask a lot of invasive questions about my family life and if they find out
about my family they tell me to just ask them for help instead (even if they are abusive).
- they might ask about how I accomplished certain things with such little money
skeptical that I need any help
- they might trap me into a seemingly friendly conversation, elicit the information that gives
them an excuse to shut down the request then leave.
- they might start asking if I am a violent criminal or any kinds of arguments I had in the past
(a social worker asked me this at the food bank).
- they question my citizenship
- they ignore anything written, defer to a phone call (where they have the upper hand due to speed), and try explain away any
struggles, immediately sharing any personal information behind my back.

When I am struggling I do not have the bandwidth to anticipate what kinds of information
can elicit a shutdown, and sculpt my story because of this, but this type of negotiation is universal
even with my close family.

In future I think I would basically need an emergency lawyer, or just generally a lawyer for handling negotiations.



__Elijahahahaho
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 9 Jan 2024
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 152
Location: GERMANY

02 Jun 2024, 6:49 am

I think a lot of it comes from kind of gaslighting and victim-blaming that tends to happen
when we see someone struggling in todays society.

- They didn't try hard enough
- They are always taking drugs
- Those nasty mexicans...

It is hard not to internalise these messages when I am low. Therefore I do not believe I need aid.
Therefore I sound guilty even though I am in a dire situation.

The flip side is I am extremely resourceful.



angelsonthemoon
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 8 Apr 2024
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 174

02 Jun 2024, 11:08 am

A lot of people have to learn to be calm and collected while getting help. Breathing exercises can be useful for doing that. You seem to already understand a lot of the pitfalls, now you just have to get better at avoiding them. Remember people will often pay more attention to your tone than your actual words. Coming off frustrated could make it hard for the person to focus and hear you out.