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Gougui
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Joined: 9 Apr 2024
Age: 19
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 5
Location: Quebec

06 Jun 2024, 11:32 am

You know those stories people tell themselves?
About where you're from, what awaits you down the line, the greatness your destined to achieve, what you can and can't do.
I can't recall what was the context when I heard this, but as a kid I heard that

"He will never be able to live on his own"

My mother took this very seriously. She did all she could when I was growing up to make me independent, things like putting my dishes in the dishwasher and progressively more and more things that are simple and that I can do on my own to take care of the house.

And somewhere I must have internalized this as well, I've realised that I grew this emotional distance towards responsibilities. I don't feel bad if I don't manage to do my chores around the house because I tell myself "I'm unfit to take care of myself, so why should I try to get better at it?" And this attitude keeps me stagnant. At this rate it's my own discouragement that will end up binding me home forever.
Separately, I feel like 2019-2021 put a huge amount of pressure on my, due to it being the last year's of high school and the situation at home where I was getting insulted almost daily by my step-mom at the time for things like not studying playing video games too much, not putting enough effort into school. Despite the fact my grades were proof nothing needed fixing.
I even attempted Sudoku at the time because I felt worthless, I survived with no sequels, i just woke up the next day with a rage to live. My mom left the relationship shortly after and 2022 came around, I passed high school and everything was going well.
But my brain melted after all of this. I forgot some basic things I did around the house, I lost my sense of time, I hardly know what day it is anymore. I didn't want to go into higher education right away, I wanted to be able to think about what path I was going to take so I worked for a year. After said year, when January came, I went to college in the big city, sharing roof with someone from the family while I'd be studying there. For a few months everything was going well but even though I'd be learning the basis on my own during my year working, I couldn't keep up. The deadlines were tight I had to learn to use 3 new softwares and unlearn the one I'd been using all this time and the assignment I gave back weren't good enough. Even if I had the most knowledge on the matter, I was lacking behind... and then I had a breakdown in March. I wrote everything that was going through my head and I sent it to my mom who came to pick me up the next week.

Now things are finally looking truly more promising, I'm on anti depressant for a week now! After not telling anyone about my overdose for 2-ish years? I'm starting to unbottle everything that happened and hopefully I can start believing in myself, not just in self-esteem, but that I'll be capable of living on my own someday! I've had so much free time doing nothing but listening to music that I've dug really deep inside myself.



peterd
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08 Jun 2024, 7:58 am

Deserves a reply. There’s a voice - my mothers, I think - back in my childhood says “God gave you a special brain, because he has a special plan for you,”
Geez, took me a half century before that one even floated to the surface. Still, popping that bubble let Gods plan drain away, made room for an autism diagnosis, and one day, if there’s time before I die, I might even be sane.

Don’t let the bastards grind you down remains my motto.



MaxE
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08 Jun 2024, 8:08 am

Did you finish CEGEP? What did you move to a city to study and at what sort of school? I am wondering, do they have people who can help you get through your course of study? As you seem motivated, I would think you shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. Too soon to give up!


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Gougui
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Joined: 9 Apr 2024
Age: 19
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 5
Location: Quebec

15 Jul 2024, 12:11 pm

It's been a while, but I dropped out because I reached my breaking point. I was studying 3D animation, I've got a different outlook on this subject because I actually have published something since dropping out! A mod for a video game that a community I'm in is quite fond of. Last time I checked, it gathered 115 downloads across 22 countries 8O.
But I also have a that outlook because deep down, I'd rather be able to learn at my own pace while working a normal job. I'd rather put time in structuring, planning and articulating my own story first before I feel like I could hop in a team to express other people's dreams and such.
(And also because my motivation is rather uhh... it changes like the weather let's say.)



funeralxempire
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15 Jul 2024, 12:41 pm

Did you mean suicide, not sudoku?


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