Dealing with brooding/obsessive thoughts

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Hey,

At least from reading literature about it, brooding is a big feature of Aspergers spectrum behavior.

I brood a lot on social interactions where I feel like I missed. I brood on a lot of opportunities that I passed on. I especially brood a lot about my past - I have two NT siblings who were allowed to pursue things they asked my parents about, while I was always relegated to coping or accepting that I couldn't pursue those same things.

My folks would not let me take placement tests or transfer credits in high school when I had the advantage available, and would force me to complete repetitive work or do tedious things instead of focus on my academics in order to "teach" what they felt wasn't being communicated by my teachers and instructors. However, with my NT siblings, they did everything in their power to allow them to join clubs, take placement tests into higher classes, and invest in their hobbies.

It's hard for me to accept myself. In high school I didn't even like talking about myself because my teachers would urge me to get documents for placement tests or transferring credit or permission slips and my parents would refuse, push back with disbelief, or go to the point of saying I was lying about an opportunity or process that was clearly communicated to me and documented on the school website. This sort of gaslighting bled into everything afterwards, and I don't know how to stop thinking about it or thinking about patterns in my life today that are similar.

I really dislike being held out of learning opportunities or excluded from them because I am viewed as deviant or different from what my parents perceived as "normal". I don't like being forced to do things in order to communicate some perceived "normalcy" when I have excelled in things without being vigilant about my outward appearance.

Are there any techniques people have tried here that work for them? Any ways of getting out of the cycle of bad memories or otherwise being too hard on yourself?

I've tried breathing techniques, EMDR, meditation, and CBT/DBT approaches with both individual and group environments. Nothing seems to be able to get me out of a funk when I'm put into a tedious task at work or facing a task that doesn't completely occupy my mind.

I constantly used to replay traumatic/upsetting events from my past. (see rumination) and finally figured out that I was still trying to figure out where or how I had failed and think of alternatives to what had happened .. I was processing and re processing those distressed emotions trying to find a way to avoid that stuff in the future. I also realized that I didn't have a way to shut those memories off, or a place to put them in my mind. I created a mental file in my mind, that I call "history". Now I have my autism diagnosis I can see how autism had its way in the workings of almost every struggle and painful event in the past.

If a bad memory comes into my mind, I let it play now and look at it from the perspective of my autism. I can see how mistakes and misunderstandings on both sides worked, or I might still not understand except to know autism kept me from understanding then, as well as now. I ask myself two questions. Do I need to apologize and make amends? Is this something that I can fix now? if the answer is no, then I tell my memory that it is no longer needed, and I put it into my mental history file.

If it comes up again, I stop it as soon as I catch it and send it to "history".

Little by little, my mind has mostly stopped bringing up pains of the past.

I have understanding of the way autism worked in it, and the memories are going away. I get new memories of the past off and on, send them to "history" when they play and I have finished sorting them, and have not found one that I needed to take action on or need to fix. It has helped my self understanding, helped my self forgiveness,helped me forgive others, too (nobody knew!)
helped me manage those painful memories. All those years I did not have a place for them, and the "history " file in my mind process seems to be working fairly well. Maybe this could work for you too.

Thank you.

Nothing sits on brooding like an infatuation.

For me my autism leads to my obsessive thoughts falling into OCD patterns. Which is a very specific kind of way of dealing with anxiety that leads to a vicious cycle of being unable to break out of anxiety inducing thoughts.

The best thing for me has been to cut the cycle off by refusing to feed into it... which is way easier said than done.

Dunno if that's your specific problem though. OCD is highly comorbid with Aspergers/Autism, I think cuz we are prone to obsessiveness.... but that doesn't necessarily mean it becomes OCD for all of us

I have times where I stew over things that are out of my control like the ending of something good or what a good singer I'm not. There are other times that I stew over mistakes that I've made.

I can really relate to the brooding over missed opportunities and being treated differently from siblings. It’s tough when you feel like your potential wasn’t recognized or nurtured in the same way. It sounds like you've tried a lot of the typical strategies already, but I wonder if shifting your focus to future goals or new challenges could help break the cycle. Sometimes redirecting that energy into something you're passionate about, even small projects, can make a big difference. You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way, and I hope you find something that clicks soon.

I've also tried meds, CBT, DBT, individual and group support.
I try to find balance between acceptance and change. The serenity prayer helps me. Growing in the knowledge of what to accept, and when, what I CAN change and what I CANNOT change and what I SHOULD change and what I SHOULD leave to someone else or God is one way I can grow in Wisdom. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) talks about this. I have a bunch of self help books, if I can get one or two things from each of them I figure I am making progress.