considering asking common-law husband to marry me. Advice?

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Cavia_porcellus
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24 Aug 2024, 10:40 am

The two of us have been together for over a decade and living together for 6. We own the condo we live in together and have pets and some overlapping friends and our families refer to us as if we were officially married ("This is Cavia's husband, ____"). We live in a province where common-law relationships count legally as a marriage for a lot of things and he's on my health insurance from work and stuff (I have a job in the Canadian federal public service) so there's fewer practical reasons to than there might otherwise be.

That said, I think I'd like to ask him to marry me. He's a self-employed artist and I'm the one with the steady full-time job and pension so I want to make sure if I get hit by a bus or something that he'll have an easy time accessing whatever compensation he would get for that, plus my pension and survivor's benefits. Also, if we travel somewhere and one of us gets sick, being legally married would male it easier for the other to show they should be allowed to make medical decisions.

Practical reasons aside, I think I just want to for personal reasons. When we were just getting serious enough that it was a topic that would come up, I had said I didn't really care about or want to get married. That was mostly because at that point in time I was still a bit scared he'd figure out there was something wrong with me or that I'd tricked him into thinking I was someone he wanted to be with long-term, but obviously I didn't say that. Plus, I'd been dumped like 3 weeks before I met him by a guy who I'd been engaged to so I was maybe a bit worried history would repeat.

Anyway, none of those fears or concerns are relevant anymore or resonate with me. I mean he had figured out I was the spectrum before I "confessed" that my mom had told me I had Asperger's Syndrome when I was younger and a psychologist told me he thought i had Non-Verbal Learning Disorder in uni and that I was getting re-assessed to verify that since I had no paperwork to support either diagnosis anymore but needed workplace accommodations (new disgnosis: ASD +ADHD), but he's a comic book artist and TTRPG illustrator so it's not like that was an especially weird thing in his social circles. And it turns out I hadn't tricked him by masking because it turns a) I am bad at it and b) he felt happy I felt safe around him when I stopped trying to keep up the "Extremrly Normal Girlfriend" act. So now that I no longer feel like I am a bad person who has fooled him into liking me despite being Like This and actually believe that he wants to be with me instead of just feeling trapped or obligated to, I'm not sure how to bring up the topic.

Do I bring up the practical reasons first? Do I bring up the personal reasons (but maybe not phrased the same way I did here)? Do I ask him if he would ever be interested in getting married as a hypothetical first? Should I wait until things are a certain level of "perfect" (no health problems, no family drama, no work stress) or just pick a time?

Also is a woman proposing to a man still weird or will that be OK? I mean I had outright told him I didn't really want to get married years ago, so obviously he won't be the one to ask since he doesn't know I changed my mind. What do you give a guy as an engagement gift? He's not really a jewelry guy and there's no tradition to fall back on here



Carbonhalo
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24 Aug 2024, 2:22 pm

We're still de-facto after 35 years.
We have written wills to each other, and each have medical power of attorney.
They're really the only paperwork we've needed or wanted.

Having said that, if she DID ask to marry me I'd probably agree. She tends to make better life choices than I.



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24 Aug 2024, 2:43 pm

There can be legal advantages to being married (at least where we live).
There can be social advantages to being married (at least in our social circles).
There can be financial advantages to being married (depending upon things like employment arrangements and pension rules).
And, if you share a last name, it makes it easier for people to refer to you jointly and mail you things like X-mas cards.

We're kind of old now. Being married is also helpful when one of us is hospitalized.

If you raise the topic make sure you make your position clear.

-- If you think it is a purely optional, possibly beneficial thing to do, make it clear you want to continue the relationship no matter what they choose.

-- If you absolutely insist on marriage or you'll break up...well...maybe you could mention that.


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Latimeria
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25 Aug 2024, 6:51 pm

Asking as a hypothetical is probably a pretty safe way to do it, especially if you're okay with it either way. I don't think you need to say all these reasons, since you're not trying to win a debate. Ask him how he feels and answer any questions or concerns he may have.

If he asks why you changed your mind, you can tell him you are feeling more secure in the relationship with him after spending more time together, along with thinking about the social and legal benefits of an official marriage. That will be new information for him, but not particularly confusing, I think.

One of you can still 'propose' officially at a later date, but it would probably be awkward to get an expensive gift and then be rejected because you didn't run the idea by him first.



IsabellaLinton
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25 Aug 2024, 7:32 pm

I proposed to my partner last summer after having declined his proposals previously.
I think your reasons are beautiful and very heartfelt.

I'm sure he'd be very touched to read your post someday when you're happily married.

Congrats and good luck (also, welcome to WP!)


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