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SkinnyElephant
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25 Aug 2024, 12:53 pm

Does anyone else view their ASD as a shameful secret?

I feel like my ASD is a shameful secret (which I don't want anyone to find out).

It's a shame (no pun intended) I feel that way, but with how stigmatized ASD is by society, I find that the ideal approach is for me to pass as neurotypical (my ASD is mild enough I can pass).

One thing I'm going to stress on this post: It's not that I think there's anything wrong with having ASD; it's that I know others think there's something wrong with having ASD.



Edna3362
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25 Aug 2024, 1:32 pm

Not me.

I don't even mask. Any of my oddity is upfront for everyone else to see.
But my medical records and diagnosis is none of their business.

It's not like I don't want anyone to know, it's just that they do not need to know.


I can choose when or when not to play along with society at large, or whatever social setting and their rules.

Passing for me is something optional than an urgent must-have demand everytime I'm in public.

My lack of label and my nonconforming ways would keep them on their toes, and I prefer it that way.


I already knew well of those who do not know the label.
But if anyone finds out, I will likely know.
And I'd just know well enough of those who do know of the label; in which their reactions and perception says more about them than me.


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Last edited by Edna3362 on 25 Aug 2024, 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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25 Aug 2024, 1:37 pm

I don’t view it as a shameful secret. I don’t care what other people think of me.


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SkinnyElephant
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25 Aug 2024, 1:53 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
Not me.

I don't even mask. Any of my oddity is upfront for everyone else to see.
But my medical records and diagnosis is none of their business.

It's not like I don't want anyone to know, it's just that they do not need to know.


I can choose when or when not to play along with society at large, or whatever social setting and their rules.

Passing for me is something optional than an urgent must-have demand everytime I'm in public.

My lack of label and my nonconforming ways would keep them on their toes, and I prefer it that way.


I already knew well of those who do not know the label.
But if anyone finds out, I will likely know.
And I'd just know well enough of those who do know of the label; in which their reactions and perception says more about them than me.


Don't get me wrong; much of the outside world can likely tell there's something different about me.

They probably think I'm simply strange (but at least neurotypical).

I'd prefer they think of me as a strange neurotypical (than know the truth that I have ASD)



Edna3362
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25 Aug 2024, 2:24 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
Not me.

I don't even mask. Any of my oddity is upfront for everyone else to see.
But my medical records and diagnosis is none of their business.

It's not like I don't want anyone to know, it's just that they do not need to know.


I can choose when or when not to play along with society at large, or whatever social setting and their rules.

Passing for me is something optional than an urgent must-have demand everytime I'm in public.

My lack of label and my nonconforming ways would keep them on their toes, and I prefer it that way.


I already knew well of those who do not know the label.
But if anyone finds out, I will likely know.
And I'd just know well enough of those who do know of the label; in which their reactions and perception says more about them than me.


Don't get me wrong; much of the outside world can likely tell there's something different about me.

They probably think I'm simply strange (but at least neurotypical).

I'd prefer they think of me as a strange neurotypical (than know the truth that I have ASD)

Masking, pretending and trying too hard to act in ways unnatural to you can be detectable.

It's been that way for some of those who had passed the cracks for the longest time.


But sure; I only have like 3 main unwanted traits I cannot mask yet don't want anything to do with; one is my emotionality (which happened not to be related to autism) out of sheer lack of control (but turns out it's solvable and far from inherent in my case).
Then my language processing issues (which is directly autism for me), can't pretend I hear take words as 100% as everyone intends (which is a complicated mix of verbal processing issues with something I developed likely during burnout at work and something physical unfortunately) and I don't script (nor have any aides related to this)...
Lastly everything executive dysfunction (no, I'm not AuDHD, I don't have ADHD; more like an unwanted response or reaction over whatever stress and stupid bodily sensitivity) -- because, really...


But stimming, being overall weird, 'acting childlike', being insistent with certain choices, screwed sense of fear, even running away and violent meltdowns, and clumsy and 'lazy' inducing shutdowns, and everything social-social -- I could care less about.


Sorry, I cannot relate.
Because the autism diagnosis isn't a shameful secret to me -- but still I prefer to have a say so when and when not to disclose about it.

My approach is to use NTs assumptions against them, not convince them otherwise with an illusion or an impression that's painstakingly hard to maintain.

The last time someone important mistook me to an NT, tried to beat whatever they perceived the hell out of me and did way, way more harm than any good.

The last time someone way less important mistook me for a full blown NT, gave me responsibilities that I cannot fulfill and have no say over because they expect me to 'know better' when I should be learning. :roll:
I refuse to live that way.

And the last time someone who knew better wanted me to be act and only pass an NT loses a lot of my respect.

And I'm very grateful that I don't truly care what most people think, that my ego relishes difference and outgrew the unwanted reactivity of my own ego over it.



I know how people in my locale works and my current circumstances, and made my choice to not be perceived as NT and know whatever or however the 'not-autistic' status is entailed or treated as.

You have yours. :o I know not of your story; but if autism is stigmatized in your locale, it's still no one's business.

As for passing as NT as a source of your peace of mind or fear of being found out -- I got nothing.

There's no shame in hiding shames if you're feeling ashamed about it.
I understand and relate well around the concept of pride and self image if I can't relate to the idea of autism as a source of shame.


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SkinnyElephant
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25 Aug 2024, 2:48 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
Not me.

I don't even mask. Any of my oddity is upfront for everyone else to see.
But my medical records and diagnosis is none of their business.

It's not like I don't want anyone to know, it's just that they do not need to know.


I can choose when or when not to play along with society at large, or whatever social setting and their rules.

Passing for me is something optional than an urgent must-have demand everytime I'm in public.

My lack of label and my nonconforming ways would keep them on their toes, and I prefer it that way.


I already knew well of those who do not know the label.
But if anyone finds out, I will likely know.
And I'd just know well enough of those who do know of the label; in which their reactions and perception says more about them than me.


Don't get me wrong; much of the outside world can likely tell there's something different about me.

They probably think I'm simply strange (but at least neurotypical).

I'd prefer they think of me as a strange neurotypical (than know the truth that I have ASD)

Masking, pretending and trying too hard to act in ways unnatural to you can be detectable.

It's been that way for some of those who had passed the cracks for the longest time.


But sure; I only have like 3 main unwanted traits I cannot mask yet don't want anything to do with; one is my emotionality (which happened not to be related to autism) out of sheer lack of control (but turns out it's solvable and far from inherent in my case).
Then my language processing issues (which is directly autism for me), can't pretend I hear take words as 100% as everyone intends (which is a complicated mix of verbal processing issues with something I developed likely during burnout at work and something physical unfortunately) and I don't script (nor have any aides related to this)...
Lastly everything executive dysfunction (no, I'm not AuDHD, I don't have ADHD; more like an unwanted response or reaction over whatever stress and stupid bodily sensitivity) -- because, really...


But stimming, being overall weird, 'acting childlike', being insistent with certain choices, screwed sense of fear, even running away and violent meltdowns, and clumsy and 'lazy' inducing shutdowns, and everything social-social -- I could care less about.


Sorry, I cannot relate.
Because the autism diagnosis isn't a shameful secret to me -- but still I prefer to have a say so when and when not to disclose about it.

My approach is to use NTs assumptions against them, not convince them otherwise with an illusion or an impression that's painstakingly hard to maintain.

The last time someone important mistook me to an NT, tried to beat whatever they perceived the hell out of me and did way, way more harm than any good.

The last time someone way less important mistook me for a full blown NT, gave me responsibilities that I cannot fulfill and have no say over because they expect me to 'know better' when I should be learning. :roll:
I refuse to live that way.

And the last time someone who knew better wanted me to be act and only pass an NT loses a lot of my respect.

And I'm very grateful that I don't truly care what most people think, that my ego relishes difference and outgrew the unwanted reactivity of my own ego over it.



I know how people in my locale works and my current circumstances, and made my choice to not be perceived as NT and know whatever or however the 'not-autistic' status is entailed or treated as.

You have yours. :o I know not of your story; but if autism is stigmatized in your locale, it's still no one's business.

As for passing as NT as a source of your peace of mind or fear of being found out -- I got nothing.

There's no shame in hiding shames if you're feeling ashamed about it.
I understand and relate well around the concept of pride and self image if I can't relate to the idea of autism as a source of shame.


Even within my own family, only my parents and sibling know I'm on the spectrum.

My 2 living grandparents don't know. My 2 dead grandparents never knew. None of my aunts, uncles, or cousins know.

The only people outside my family who have ever known are therapists (because they have to know in order to assist me) as well as an ex-boss who basically forced me to either tell him what exactly is wrong with me or get fired.

Even though that ex-boss allowed me to stay after forcing me to disclose my ASD, in a way it would have been better if he had fired me. From that point on, he treated me like a mentally challenged little kid (which is why I never want to disclose to anyone other than therapists ever again)



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25 Aug 2024, 2:55 pm

If you consider AS a shameful secret, then you're just NOT doing enough weird sh!t !



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25 Aug 2024, 3:49 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Does anyone else view their ASD as a shameful secret?

I feel like my ASD is a shameful secret (which I don't want anyone to find out).

It's a shame (no pun intended) I feel that way, but with how stigmatized ASD is by society, I find that the ideal approach is for me to pass as neurotypical (my ASD is mild enough I can pass).

One thing I'm going to stress on this post: It's not that I think there's anything wrong with having ASD; it's that I know others think there's something wrong with having ASD.


Those others also think there's something wrong with being inter alia:

- visibly disabled
- LGBT+
- Black
- female

That's the queue for acceptance that autistic people are at the back of right now.

We have nothing to be ashamed of.



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25 Aug 2024, 4:32 pm

No, I'm fine with disclosing.


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25 Aug 2024, 4:40 pm

No, Most members of my extended family know. I disclosed to my former boss as I had a good relationship with her and felt safe to do so. I know it can be hard to disclose though for many people and can't say I blame anyone who dosen't.


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25 Aug 2024, 4:41 pm

Nope.



Edna3362
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25 Aug 2024, 4:51 pm

I don't care who knew of my diagnosis. :lol:


I really just prefer having a say and power over who tells who and who knew what, unlike being a child with an overly chattering mother who I can never trust to keep a secret anymore.


I don't even care if the entire city knows. Maybe they actually do.

But I am still be very distrustful (and somewhat still pissed at) of my own mother (or anyone) for betraying my trust just to entertain whoever's she's (or they're) socializing with when I specifically say "Do Not Tell" and she (or they) do/es not listen... :roll:


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25 Aug 2024, 11:45 pm

I don't see my autism as a shameful secret at all. I don't feel the need to mask. I don't feel the need to hide my special interests or obsessions. I even allow my autism to show up in my art. I see my differences as something to celebrate and autism is one of those differences.


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26 Aug 2024, 12:11 am

My ASD traits are mild so they are not obvious, and I don't tell anyone about it in part because I would feel like I was making more of it than it is, but also, yes, because I would feel embarrassed, although I too don't think there's anything wrong with having ASD and I think people being open about it increases acceptance.

I do have difficulties, for instance with social interactions, and I would love to be able to explain that I am not being rude or that it's not that I don't care enough to pay attention, but I don't know how to say it. I think it would only add to the misunderstanding of why I am acting kind of weird and awkwardly. If I say it's because I'm autistic I think they would understand it even less.



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26 Aug 2024, 3:15 am

Not really ashamed of my ASD, just a tad paranoid that people might view me with disdain for having it, or think that I'm making it up. So I don't talk about it much with most people.



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26 Aug 2024, 5:19 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Does anyone else view their ASD as a shameful secret?
No . . . not exactly.

I do believe that if I came out to my family, our relationship might change, and not for the better.

(Your uncle Fnordie is being autistic again; just ignore him.")


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