Why is everyone so weird/complex/sarcastic except myself?
xzpkr_apoxia
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 27 Aug 2024
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: County Durham, UK
All my life I strongly preferred the company of adults over people my own age. At primary school I felt so out of place and spent pretty much all of my time there on my own either daydreaming or reading books, just minding my own business. The affairs of other individuals didn't appeal to me much at all for some reason. Whenever someone told me that they were my "best friend" or something, to me it didn't really mean anything, I felt neutral towards them. When I was in year 6 I started developing very bad behavioural problems which was why my mother, without my permission, decided that I went to a special needs school instead of a mainstream secondary school (this was in 2017). Even in an environment partially filled with complete weirdos in the full sense, like for example kids that would shove their hands in front of their faces and say word salad while wearing ear defenders and get very defensive if you approached them and asked about what they were saying, it was a smorgasbord of people with wildly different personalities aesthetics tastes psychological problems etc, there were obviously relatively more normal-ish kids, like these cool normal kids that would wear JD clothes and vape and listen to modern rap music. I instantly felt so uncomfortable in their presence, they were talking about NSFW things my parents had been sheltering me from at the time and I remember being so rebellious, getting angry at my parents for telling me off for researching sex drugs suicide rape etc on the internet, and obviously there were these edgy cringey teenage boys that made racist/sexist/etc jokes all of the time and had 4-subscriber youtube channels in which they would post weird outrageous provocative things, I wanted to be like them but I felt way too stupid and too narrow-minded. And in my class was this insufferable chubby blonde guy that loved IT and fixing computers, he was constantly making fun of me and how stupid and ugly I was, how whenever I tried reading a book I couldn't stomach even a page how I needed a calculator for even the simplest of mathematical problems how I was a "softie" by refusing to jump off the slide from the very top as a few examples, and unsurprisingly he would constantly joke about the fact I was prone to having meltdowns, that didn't help.
At around the same time, at age 12 (in 2018) I was relocated to a children's home, for reasons too complicated to elaborate on. Some of the staff there (generally speaking the male staff often appeared way friendlier than the females, not to say that there were some demonic men and some angelic women of course) were nice and friendly, but literally every single young person that I ever had to share the house with was mean to me and in hindsight I'm realising that they had FFFF knows whatever diagnosed or undiagnosed psychiatric problems way too complex beyond my low IQ comprehension, or that's my impression anyway in spite of whatever BS evidence my psychologist shoves down my throat. Let me elaborate so ya'll can properly understand, titles of individuals in question have been altered for anonymity.
- Aiden when I first met him gave off the impression as a silly, playful, talkative, amiable, and care-free 12-year-old chavvy boy that had virtually endless physical energy, I remember having conversations with him at 8.00pm in the dining room about our favourite pop music radio stations or our favourite PS4 video games. However, at some point, either gradually or suddenly, he changed for the worst. By age 15 or so he was wearing loads of bling, swearing like a sailor, doing an array of drugs, and just being an overall prick. I remember one evening when I was trying to eat my dinner in peace on the dining room table, completely alone (didn't want to do it in my bedroom for some unknown reason). But he happened to be sat in the same room. I tried to coerce him into leaving the room for the sake of my welfare but I just couldn't. I got angry with him, and then he said I was having a "hissy fit", which made me even more angry. He would fake an extremely high-pitched voice whenever impersonating me and say things to me like "go cry to your mother" during arguments and call me a crybaby.
Olivia seemed to be a happy quirky individualistic young lady that loved smoking weed, spending copious amounts of money on weird clothes from Pretty Little Thing and lived off bubblegum ice lollies and dairy lea dunkers from Herons and Tesco's own salt and vinegar crisps. When I first met her I loved speaking to her about an array of topics I can't even remember and she randomly described me as "smart". However at night when she was doing things that made me feel uncomfortable but could get away with it because there were no adults to tell her off and I would go downstairs she would call me a "snitch b***h". She would threaten to address me by my ugly birth name (I'm a transgender male). I tried my hardest into coercing her to lending me some of her vapes, cigarettes and rollies but like all of the other kids she would refuse by telling me that I "wasn't allowed" when there was no logical reason as to why I wasn't allowed nicotine when everyone else was. One evening at curfew she was sat at the dining room table and Aiden happened to be present. She was randomly ranting on and on and on about the fourth dimension, a concept I was too stupid to understand or let alone acknowledge on my own. I felt extremely insecure about my intelligence. I also remember that one night she was having a very loud emotional outburst, screaming and crying about how hungry she was and how she desperately wanted to eat something and eventually the night shift worker gave her food. Everyone told me that it was because she was drunk but in hindsight I don't think that could have been the case, perhaps she was doing it to make fun of my cringe as FFFF 2022 self, that had meltdowns all of the time and was also ravenously hungry all of the time.
Emily, when I first met her, I instantly hated her. She gave off the impression of being exactly like any other loud bratty obnoxious shallow chavvy 13-year-old British girl that loves make-up and fashion and shopping and likes grime and EDM music. Yet the more I knew about her as time progressed the more I was convinced she was the opposite of what I initially thought of her. I can remember that she was a pathological liar and that I could not trust a single word she said. I noticed how even when she was 16 years old she was not only of petite stature but looked concerningly young for her age, not just her face but her head her torso her limbs like basically everything corporal, and how she would eat a fraction of a meal a day (always at the exact same chair) toy with it and fail to finish it (meanwhile I was the fatty piggy glutton). When I was 13, BMI 23 or smth and being very open about my religious/existential crisis, she would make fun of both, the "your tits are like watermelons wear a bra" shenanigans or the "when you got hit by a car did Sheepy fly towards you? God helped me!" shenanigans respectively. Some time in 2019 I saw her with a lighter, I was asking "Do you smoke weed as well?" and she was like "Weeds? No, I don't smoke weeds". I remember eavesdropping on conversations she was having with others in the living room, she was info-dumping facts about how daydreaming increases brain power or smth.
The corridor stunk of weed at one point and Anna happened to be out of the house. I carefully entered her bedroom and found a joint in one of the make-up containers. I always store my green in kilner jars, I don't want to get into trouble. One night at around 1.00am she was smoking it and I managed to convince her to let me have a few drags. She told me that she would smoke joints in her bedroom and smoke joints in the garden, in an institution that would call the coppers on anyone that smoked even the tiniest amount of mary jane even once. A week or two later I asked her for her dealer's contact details, she told me that she does not have a dealer and that she acquired the joint off a friend, and that the next time she gets hold of any weed she will offer me a little bit so we can share. But it never happened, that was the first and last incident I ever managed to bum any smoke off her ever. It's 10.30pm, I go downstairs into the kitchen to prepare a mug of chamomile tea and then smoke a cigarette outside. Yet Anna is in the kitchen causing a scene. She's throwing things onto the ground and screaming profanities at everyone. She screamed the R-word right into my face. She thinks that I have down's syndrome. One morning she was calling everyone stupid. I asked her, "Why do you think that everyone is stupid?" and I got told "I think that everyone is stupid including myself".
Indisputably one of the worst freaks I've ever encountered, Vicky was a 12-year-old girl that vaped incessantly, reportedly had "anger issues" and the hyperactive kind of ADHD (the only mental illnesses of hers that I was allowed to be informed about), oftentimes wore sports bras and crop tops on their own even when around heaps and heaps of people, stolen my snacks and my diet coke without my permission even if I put my name on it, played her Skepta Bad Boy Chiller Crew whatever music today's kids listen to ridiculously loud on the living room telly whenever people told her to turn it down because it was bothering others she seemed to be fully convinced that it was not loud at all. I am 5'7'', underweight, androgynous-sounding fairly deep-pitched voice, adults think I am smart although everyone under a certain age believes the complete opposite, and I believe or I'd like to believe that I am at least remotely physically attractive, yet this b***h had or seemed to have the worst possible opinions of me, constantly saying straight into my face (or even to other people in situations whereby she was probably unaware of my presence) and write me letters and notes about how "short fat ugly stupid" I was, how high-pitched my voice sounded, how girly and feminine I was, how histrionic and flamboyant I was, how no-one liked me and that all I should do is kill myself and rot in hell. As I was preparing fat-free cottage cheese to eat with my dinner she would say "nom nom nom". I once heard her on the phone to someone, the person on the other end of the line said "She is so stupid" or smth and I was like "Are they referring to me?" and she said "The world doesn't revolve around you". One of the creepiest weirdest things I ever heard her say was one night when a male member of staff asked her for her opinion of the colour of the T-shirt I happened to be wearing, a white adidas T-shirt. She answered, "I don't know if that top is white. It could be". One night, at like 3.00am, she was attacking everyone with giant metal poles and destroyed the lights. She referred to the african members of staff as "maltesers" and, as usual, laughing hysterically. The day after she got kicked out and I felt so relieved.
Last but not least, a male version of Vicky. Elliot once knocked on my bedroom door at dinnertime, said "I hope your pot noodle tastes bad" and when I ate it it tasted suspiciously unpleasantly cold and sweet £~# the staff denied it &*$$. Elliot once trashed my bedroom up completely, I found clothes and books and all kinds of personal belongings scattered all over the place +++&205290 the staff denied it ???42423££8%£. Elliot would randomly physically restrain me for no reason whatsoever. Elliot would bang on my bedroom door extremely loud for no reason whatsoever. Thank those incomprehensible and potentially non-existent higher powers that he got kicked out very very shortly after moving in.
Every time I whinge about experiences with as*holes like these to older adults, they just say things like "It's just kids being kids, you're way cleverer than them". I don't believe them in the slightest. If anything, all of those kids that would take the PPPP out of me (and it still happens to me even today everywhere I go, I'm scared of education and employment, I'm scared of leaving the house, I'm scared of stalking people I used to know on Instagram), are the clever ones and I'm the idiot. They possess much greater intellectual capacity than I do because they came to a plethora of philosophical insights at an age way earlier than I did and they have the brains necessary to <quicker than I can even fathom> convey ideas, thoughts, concepts, emotions, etc in entirely unique and inventive ways, a skill I completely lack. I've observed that literally every grown-ass adult that tells me the whole "kids will be kids" kinda talk are always the exact same people who talk down to me like I'm stupid (which I am, everyone knows that) about facts in life that everyone knows facts that I should have known earlier if you know what I mean, in the event I get defensive their only justification is "LiFe ExPeRiEnCe" look at me right I may only be 18 but I've lived like all over north east england and experienced relentless bullying relentless emotional abuse and neglect I'm unemployed I'm broke I'm autistic I'm transgender I'm anorexic I have addictions to hoarding shopping internet weed cigarettes red bull vodka I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts regularly AND you're calling me more "mature" than everyone else my age and yet your only reasoning for talking down to me like I'm a FFFFing 5-year-old is "life experience"? Just because I love reading books does not mean I am smart. Just because I strongly prefer Reddit over TikTok does not mean I am smart. Just because I would strongly prefer listening to Pavement over Dua Lipa does not mean I am smart. Just because I prefer shopping at charity shops over chain stores does not mean I am smart. Just because when I was 15 my psychologist done a WISC assessment on me and it came out as above average ,117, does not mean I am smart. I know that intelligence is wildly multi-faceted and extremely vague and hard to define and that everyone is clever in certain ways albeit dumb in other ways, but these kids I meet everywhere are on another FFFFing level, another FFFFing planet, another FFFFing dimension, I don't think they even have concepts of what a "dimension" even is in the first place. I get told that it was in a children's home but I think that all young people are as FFFFed in the head as those people I described, last academic year I tried automotive at Gateshead College only to get teased by literally everyone and develop social anxiety [ paying for flavoured water in the canteen, no-one at the till, tried to get attention by saying "Hell-oooo!" cringe-ly, someone imitated me. Arrived late due to forgetting to bring my overalls and mechanic feetwear, acted all slow in class these people called me the R-word and said "socket one-three" instead of "socket 13" or smth and they accused me of eating the screws. Everyone thought I looked like a 10-year-old girl when I am an 18-year-old boy, et cetera ]. I hear people, not just youngins but people of all ages even, say weird outlandish things out in public, such as "the bus is waiting for us" or "bi-lesbian" or a woman that clearly had long hair saying that she had short hair and how the clouds were dehydrated, or a bunch of 19-year-old boys claiming to be anti-drug referring to drugs as the D-word while it was as clear to o-1+1 <to me at least> that they were on something (idk, everyone gives off the impression of being out of their head these days) because they were asking me the same questions over and over again, was that yet another clever way of someone telling me how FFFFing stupid I am?
I've just realised that this entire post is stupid. I know someone a similar age to me, this chavvy-looking person that smokes weed, he isn't some witty sarcastic c**t from what I know in the slightest but he doesn't seem to be stupid at all in the slightest. And like I said he's young. I don't get it, why are most kids (by kids I mean anyone born after the year 2000 I guess) so FFFFing weird and obnoxious? My 17-year-old brother is anything but a chav, anything but a cult-follower, anything but an NPC. He has became increasingly withdrawn and hikikomori with age, he is a misanthropic extremely underweight vegan with the most unpopular opinions ever and he is extremely judgmental and overly critical towards everyone and everything. He probably secretly hates me and I can easily infer that by these back-handed text messages he would send me (it's unusual he has any form of contact with anyone these days, fat chance he will respond to more than 30% of the texts I send him) such as:
"I'm rather you didn't watch Neon Genesis Evangelion, it's too deep and complicated for you, it's for real INTP's"
"Thanks for making the house reek of quavers"
"I'm not surprised that you eat 800 calories a day now, ONLY because you can't afford to eat any more than that"
"You have no soul"
"Think for yourself" (like he once said that to me straight into my face)
God forbid I ever elaborate on my stepfather, he is even worse.
Recently I got arrested for threatening the public with knives out of extreme uncontrolled rage. It took ages for me to leave custody, and it PPPPed me off how I didn't get to wear cool-looking prison uniform like a jumpsuit or a jumper with sweatpants but instead these weird-looking hideous skinny grey bell bottom sweatpant thingies, and the books they gave me to keep me occupied were all trash, and the only vegetarian food options were cereal bars and porridge and vegetable lasagne (no vegan food at all), and the cell was very cold during night and very hot during day, but at least it gave me inspiration into plans to actually get my SSSS together like move to the sticks live in a shed no social media pray and mediate try to heal from my trauma try to find god try to resolve my extreme identity problems try to not spend money so recklessly try to have much better control over my emotions try to be holistically wholesome etc etc etc but I highly doubt I'll ever actually meet all of that criteria, at least overnight. Anyway I eventually went to the interview. I was happy to see my solicitor, and before he egged me into saying "no comment" to all of these questions before the policewoman entered, I engaged in some semi-meaningless chit-chat with him about how I feel like the only mentally sane person left, a primitive neanderthal dinosaur that can only merge, or appear to merge or partially merge, with all modern beings through pharmaceutical intervention (maybe had I not smoked so much weed then I wouldn't be so witty and articulate and creative? or am I just maturing? FFFF knows), this guy said that he feels similar, he feels like one of the most mentally sane people left. I remembered how while practising and rehearsing before the lady entered the room, he asked me "What does your T-shirt look like?" "Blue and white stripes" (what I happened to be wearing on my torso, even though the coppers forced me to wear them soulless grey sweatpant thingies because the ellesse sweatpants I was wearing upon arrival had a wire around the waist) "Remember, no comment!" / "What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?" "Mint chocolate chip" (my honest opinion, one of the best ice cream flavours ever) "Remember, no comment!" and then he explained to me that he was just joking and how no matter how weird and stupid and irrelevant the questions the coppers ask me I must always respond with "no comment" other than the enquiries regarding my name, DOB, and address. Now I didn't believe him when he said he was convinced he was one of the most mentally sane people on the planet. I get outwitted by everyone everywhere I go in one way or another, oftentimes without even realising it.
To summarize, does anyone else feel the same? Anyone else realise how FFFFed the world is and an unspecified majority of its inhabitants as of 2024?
_________________
18 y/o male
ASD, AN, CPTSD
Реальность меня бесит )))))
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