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duck12
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 28 May 2014
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
Location: New Jersey

06 Oct 2024, 10:19 am

I am in an LDR with someone currently.....but the problem is, the woman lives in California. She is also on the spectrum, but she told me she would have a really hard time leaving her current state to move to me in the future because she obtained her services in California, she is worried if she moves to my state (New Jersey) she will lose all her services and will not be able to obtain services in my state. I cannot move to her state because of the same reasons, I also have services here and would possibly not be able to obtain services in her state, and I have friends and family I cannot leave behind here. So, while we are still in somewhat of a relationship currently.....it may end because we cannot close the gap.

I have tried in vain to meet a woman in my local area only to constantly come up short. NT women find me too weird to date and generally ignore me/pretend I don't exist, so I only go with ND women. I have tried meetups and other social groups to meet ND women as well as dating apps and only got one gf out of it last year that lived about an hour away. There are some dating events for people on the spectrum in this area......but they are more for the much lower functioning and at the meetups women are looking for friendships and not so much a relationship. Most of the women who have shown interest otherwise were online from a site called Autistic Empathy and lived in totally different states....the exception was the one last year and another brief fling I had shortly after.

I have also looked into dance classes, D and D, and other board gaming events, but I would need the women at these places to be neurodiverse or have ADHD to have a chance of success.

I am not sure what I can or should do in this situation.



Rhapsody
Deinonychus
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Posts: 317

07 Oct 2024, 12:37 am

I'm so sorry to hear that, Duck. The state by state system for services is so stupid. My brother lost his and never got them back when we were children and had to move states for my dad's job. It's a very valid fear that you'll never be able to regain them. I wish I had a solution for you there, but there are just so many things wrong with the system. I'm so sorry. That really sucks.

The beauty, and curse, of long distance relationships is that it widens the net and gives you the opportunity to meet some incredible people, but it puts a lot of sacrifice on the one partner who moves to close the gap. Unless both of you move...but it seems ridiculous to put yourselves in a situation where you both lose services. The only advice I have for you is to establish who would be the one to move to close the gap in the very beginning of any new LDR. If neither of you can move, that makes it an easy, if unfortunate, answer if not being able to close the gap is a dealbreaker for you. All of my relationships have been LDR and it was pretty much always assumed I'd be the one moving because I require no services, most of my family is dead, and the "local" friends I do have I see maybe a few times a year in person because they're still an hour+ away. I guess look for women with equally pathetic social lives? :skull: (I'm joking)

Anyway, as for finding a local relationship, going to dance classes, D&D, and board gaming events is a great idea! They attract loads of ND women. If you're good at picking other ND people out of a crowd, I'm very confident you'll find a few. Almost all of my friends are ND and they go to things like this when they feel like socializing. One thing to remember is that there are a lot of women who are late/never diagnosed. They might not know they are ND, but that doesn't make them any less ND. I had many friends like this growing up. Some women are also phenomenal at masking. You might not spot them right away. I wish you lots of luck and hope you're able to find what you're looking for!



Canadian Freedom Lover
Sea Gull
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Joined: 16 Dec 2022
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 222
Location: Vancouver Canada

07 Oct 2024, 12:48 am

duck12 wrote:
I am in an LDR with someone currently.....but the problem is, the woman lives in California. She is also on the spectrum, but she told me she would have a really hard time leaving her current state to move to me in the future because she obtained her services in California, she is worried if she moves to my state (New Jersey) she will lose all her services and will not be able to obtain services in my state. I cannot move to her state because of the same reasons, I also have services here and would possibly not be able to obtain services in her state, and I have friends and family I cannot leave behind here. So, while we are still in somewhat of a relationship currently.....it may end because we cannot close the gap.

I have tried in vain to meet a woman in my local area only to constantly come up short. NT women find me too weird to date and generally ignore me/pretend I don't exist, so I only go with ND women. I have tried meetups and other social groups to meet ND women as well as dating apps and only got one gf out of it last year that lived about an hour away. There are some dating events for people on the spectrum in this area......but they are more for the much lower functioning and at the meetups women are looking for friendships and not so much a relationship. Most of the women who have shown interest otherwise were online from a site called Autistic Empathy and lived in totally different states....the exception was the one last year and another brief fling I had shortly after.

I have also looked into dance classes, D and D, and other board gaming events, but I would need the women at these places to be neurodiverse or have ADHD to have a chance of success.

I am not sure what I can or should do in this situation.


Hello duck12,

I'm sorry to hear about your LDR troubles. Unfortunately from what I've noticed LDR rarely end well. My Dad was in a LDR with a woman that lived 5-6 hours away, and they ended up breaking up because of work and family ect.

It's a tough situation and I can't tell you what to do.

As far as local dating goes. I have experienced much of the same. Mainstream dating apps rarely work for me and it's hard to meet people in the real world. I also tried a singles mixer for people with disabilities and noticed a lot of the same things as you. A lot of people were severely effected by multiple physical/mental disabilities. It's not that I don't like these people, it's just I do not see myself dating someone who is mentally disabled since I have above average intelligence. One thing that really hurt my feelings was that I approached a attractive young woman that I thought was one of the attendees and she shot me down telling me that she wasn't here to meet anyone because she was someone's support worker. I mean fair enough, but wow you should have seen the way she looked at me as if she was thinking "wow you really thought you had a chance with me?". The problem is that if I wasn't for the context of us meeting, I would have had a good shot at getting her number as I can mask pretty well if I need to.

Anyway I wish you and you long distance girlfriend the best. I hope you figure out a way to work things out.



Canadian Freedom Lover
Sea Gull
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Joined: 16 Dec 2022
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07 Oct 2024, 1:27 am

Oh, by the way. How you you like the Autistic Empathy app? I am just downloading it right now to try it out.



duck12
Snowy Owl
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07 Oct 2024, 4:22 am

Update: I did meet a woman on hinge and she’s about 40 minutes away, so I scheduled a date with her for Wednesday. I will see what happens with that.



duck12
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 28 May 2014
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Location: New Jersey

07 Oct 2024, 4:35 am

Canadian Freedom Lover wrote:
Oh, by the way. How you you like the Autistic Empathy app? I am just downloading it right now to try it out.



It’s good I’d say, met some cool people on there



Rhapsody
Deinonychus
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07 Oct 2024, 9:47 pm

duck12 wrote:
Update: I did meet a woman on hinge and she’s about 40 minutes away, so I scheduled a date with her for Wednesday. I will see what happens with that.

That's great news! Good luck!



cyberdad
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08 Oct 2024, 4:23 pm

duck12 wrote:
Update: I did meet a woman on hinge and she’s about 40 minutes away, so I scheduled a date with her for Wednesday. I will see what happens with that.


Give us an update Duck...