bf just doesn't understand, lol

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nobodyzdream
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12 Sep 2007, 9:59 am

My boyfriend asked me what it is all like when it comes to people, and I told him I always feel disconnected from people. I can be very close to someone and just feel completely detached at the same time-it's like the strong bond just doesn't really ever form. Now, I think he may be a bit insecure about it, and asked me "Is it possible for you to actually be in love with someone?"

How do you guys describe it to your s/o's? Did they get just get used to the fact that this is just kind of how things are sometimes?

Just curious, because logically, it wouldn't make sense to be in a relationship if he cannot get used to it, but it is so out there in ways of understanding for him, that I don't know if he ever will be able to just kind of accept it. Not saying there is anything wrong with him for being unable to understand, of course. Just that it does not make much sense for someone to force themselves to stick it out if they are that uncomfortable with it.


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edal
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12 Sep 2007, 4:33 pm

"I always feel disconnected from people. I can be very close to someone and just feel completely detached at the same time-it's like the strong bond just doesn't really ever form"


I've been together with the same woman for nearly seven years yet I feel exactly the same way as you do, and I'm SURE that it's due to AS. Sure, she's my best friend and we've had some amazing times together but that final bond just isn't there. Can anyone offer an explanation for this behavior?

Ed Almos



calandale
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12 Sep 2007, 4:37 pm

No idea. I didn't KNOW what asperger's was, while with
my wife. But, I suspect she was on the spectrum too. In
fact, I suspect almost everyone I've been close to has been
at least nearby. So, the questions were always about how
normal people were such idiots. And, did they really have
the feelings that they seemed to pretend, about people
that they barely knew, or did that mean that they felt
less about those they loved?



juliekitty
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12 Sep 2007, 11:05 pm

calandale wrote:
And, did they really have
the feelings that they seemed to pretend, about people
that they barely knew,


... or instead of it being a pretense, were they totally delusional?



calandale
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12 Sep 2007, 11:40 pm

Nah, I figure I'm the delusional one.



Graelwyn
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12 Sep 2007, 11:47 pm

This very issue causes me a lot of torment.
It is hard for one who used to believe wholeheartedly in romance and love etc, to be faced with the realisation that she only seems to be able to feel it consistently and totally for those she is not close to and hardly knows. It is a nightmare, but how do we know for a fact that this isn't an issue for NTs too, without being inside their hearts and minds? Is it really just an AS thing?



nobodyzdream
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13 Sep 2007, 12:00 am

I suppose that it could be, but they seem to do it too incredibly easy for it to be that way, at least from what I have seen. I mean, I don't think a typical thing to tell someone is basically that you will never fully feel an attachment to them (generalizing the numerous ways it can be put, of course), lol. If it was, we wouldn't get such odd reactions or find ourselves trying to figure things out even more due to it, because it would be understood right away. At least.. it seems that way to me.

It was a spur of the moment thought this morning, and it isn't something that plagues me. But it is something I wonder about from time to time, in a purely answer-seeking way.

Ed, you mentioned this happens in your relationship too. Has she explained how she feels knowing this?

I do find it interesting that we seem to have this reaction to people in all sorts of relationships. In fact, I'm this way with most of my friends as well and they have been friends for over 10 years! Did I just put myself on reserve? Am I just so lost in my own thoughts that I cannot pull myself fully out of them? Is my head really that far up my own ass? lol. ...and of course there is always "Does it have anything to do with me being so lost in thought at all?"

It is just a very curious thing that happens. Ed, have you ever tried to explain how you feel towards her aside from this stuff, or more in depth? I often try, but I wind up blurting out a list of facts about it rather than what I feel most of the time. It always feels very awkward because it is always a list of seemingly unimportant things. (at least, that is how I assume people take it)


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Duku
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13 Sep 2007, 12:59 am

I am rather disconnected from this (outside) world...But, thHat dosen't mean that I am unable to love...



Belfast
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13 Sep 2007, 3:14 am

nobodyzdream wrote:
My boyfriend asked me what it is all like when it comes to people, and I told him I always feel disconnected from people. I can be very close to someone and just feel completely detached at the same time-it's like the strong bond just doesn't really ever form. Now, I think he may be a bit insecure about it, and asked me "Is it possible for you to actually be in love with someone?"

How do you guys describe it to your s/o's? Did they get just get used to the fact that this is just kind of how things are sometimes?

Well, with my ex-husband I explained about how love doesn't make sense to me (others' descriptions of it vs. my emotions), that I'm selfish & am always going to put myself first. That saying the words, declaring "love" towards a person feels fake, forced, and inaccurate to me. There's no way to "prove" to myself whether what I feel rises to level of official "love". Advice that insists "if you love someone, you'll KNOW" is of no use deciphering "the real truth". Easy to say I love chocolate, that's entirely different matter (with lower threshold for using the word).

I'm rather "coldly utilitarian" on some levels but am also sentimental & do become attached to (bond with) specific familiar individuals. Have felt that giddy infatuation stage at start of relationship, which is a "normal" obsessional state that even NT's go through under same circumstances. Can't sort out how much my motivation is want vs. need, since there are many odious tasks I will avoid doing & someone else has to do them for me. Can't drive, for instance-so I rely on my current boyfriend.

I go back & forth between explaining about fear that I'm incapable of caring about anyone outside myself (which does seem sensible but also shame-inducing to me) & going through the motions of saying it anyway. He seems to be able to remain contentedly in relationship with me despite my conflicting responses. He knows I'm fond of & worry over him, that I'm attracted to him & that I appreciate him appreciating me & treating me lovingly. I learn about practical examples of expressing that from him, but it comes to me consciously-have to think about equation of "he did this for me as way to show that I'm important to him-wow..." Of course, my getting dx'd has helped us both understand more about how I operate & adjust our expectations/perspective. The dx provides framework & language for many things I could never conceptualize or put into words.

Depends on how one defines or tests for "presence of love" in a person's brain. In some ways I'm devoted & loyal, in some ways I'm unintentionally difficult & not-so-nice. Can't one say the same (with different details but same pattern) for any & all humans ? There are people who hurt/abuse (in various ways) their partners or family & are utterly sure they love the other person. I can't prove that's not so (since love is subjective judgment, not evidentiary fact) but can say that's not the kind of love I'm available for or interested in.

Also, after a couple has broken up, many people (regardless of neurological label or lack thereof) wonder "what did I ever see in that person ?". Happens for variety of reasons, such as Person A changed, Person B changed, both changed in incompatible directions, etc.-the relationship that worked for both people at one point may no longer meet the needs of or be sufficiently nurturing, supportive, rewarding (however one defines what's a worthwhile situation within which to stay). Then that intense emotion that's now past may seem like madness, an illusion/delusion created by one or both people, a temporary compromise until they moved on.

Not so different from passing crazes, passionate interests-pursuit of idea, object or intimate closeness-it makes sense at the time but can seem baffling looking back ("gosh, what was the big deal about those trendy sneakers ? I thought I'd die without them !") later on. It (feeling) WAS real then, but the something (desired object) or someone (oneself and/or the other person) has changed (become bored, disenchanted, or whatever) since then. Of course, there are couples that remain together for long time & still stay "in love" w/each other-though even their relationship shifts, cycles, is modified during that time as they mature (or at least grow older).


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Yogamat
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13 Sep 2007, 3:29 am

I can relate to all above posters, including the original post.
I've struggled in the past to explain my feelings about the people I love.
Now that I know I have AS I am more comfortable with the concept of love and how it feels for me.

I think that there's a benefit to feeling somewhat distant.
I just read something Reese Witherspoon said (let me go find it...here's the link: http://icydk.com/2007/09/11/reese-withe ... -me-alone/
"“[My dad and uncle] taught me that in every relationship, the person least interested in maintaining it is going to dominate it, because they’ll never compromise. So you have to always maintain that position of least interest, and you’ll always control the relationship.”
So it seems that we aspies can have the upper hand.



MastaVR6
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15 Sep 2007, 2:05 pm

The 'disconnection' is a turn on for many- mistaken for being an facet for Alpha-maleisms. throw in healthy AS that is in a comfortable element, and we are blind to it. In very rare instances, I have connected with certain individuals and have been overwhelmed by the physiological and emotional experience. I would describe it loosely as a pleasing inverse to a mild meltdown. Think along the lines of returning from a trip to see family after an extended absence. Without that sensation, I'm just walking disconnected amongst everyone else, with it, no one else is really there.
I've had one long term meaningful relationship that was not the hormone initiated variety, I botched it miserably, and well, she married someone else. (It deserves its own thread.)



dasanbe
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15 Sep 2007, 2:16 pm

Relationships have their ups and downs. I think that sometimes people tend to feel attached and detached. It's just the nature of relationships.