Dealing With Husband's Parents

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Hi, my husband and I are both in our twenties and on the spectrum. My husband's parents have been calling us on the phone alot lately. I don't know why we even have a phone anymore. We only use it for when either of our parents call or about jobs when he was looking for a job.

His mom is an over-emotional wreck. I suspect she may have the same disorder, excpet her obsession is living in a society where children stay with their parents their whole lives. She called are apartment to see if we had died. She seems to make him feel awkward and is always telling random people that there is something wrong (with my husband). He had a real hard time dealing with the work culture and management at his last two jobs, but his new jobs seems to be working out okay so far (and the pay is better too, it more than covers the bills unlike that last place he worked) I worry she will track down where he works and start sending wierd letters again, even though I told them that he doesn't need them telling him about where he works.

The problem is compounded by the fact that when my husband gets upset, he starts acting paranoid. He worried they were going to come up to our apartment and make a scene.

My mom is over emotional and kind of flakey. It seems she doesn't want to talk unless it is on the phone or face to face. I think it is a generatonal thing, but she thinks its an aspie thing.

Because of our social problems, we don't have alot of friends, although we have people we talk to about our similar interests, I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time with this kind of emotional garbage, and they probably wouldn't understand anyway.

Your hubbies' parents sound a lot like my aspie mother. She is like one of those aliens, from the original Star Trek, that feeds on your negative emotions. She has a dazzling array of manipulative techniques that she uses to control and upset us kids. We have had to learn to separate ourselves emotionally, and geographically, from her to avoid being controlled by her. Unfortunately she doesn't have the traditional societal behavioral boundaries so we have to be the ones to establish, and enforce them, for her. Don't let them divide you, you'll have to be solidly together on this issue, good luck.

It took me years to not feel bad about not wanting to chit chat on the phone. I like phone calls that have reasons for calls and not just, hi, how are you? I'm fine. What are you making for dinner? Etc.

During phone calls that have good reasons, socializing happens but it's not open ended. You're in your home and the phone brings in invaders and then you feel guilty for not wanting to be a slave of the phone callers.

My aspie grandmother wanted to be more of an aggressive MIL by coming to our house but my NT narcissistic mother shot that down most of the time. It didn't matter if the mother is aspie or NT, manipulative abusive sabotaging disruptive behavior can come from either type. I watched my mother's subtle undermining and in my opinion, she feeds on attention especially if she can throw you off balance. I also don't think small children should ever be in her custody. I wouldn't argue with how my spouse wants their parent treated but since I am a cold person, no one can really hurt "my feelings" because the ugly truth is that I haven't attached to anyone so it costs me nothing to put up with a difficult person. I wouldn't take it personally and I think that is where a troublemaker looks to get you and that's like looking at the wrong map with me. I wouldn't want any one to increase the amount of attention and time I decided to allocate to my own narcissistic mother and I would never and have never demanded that another person like or include my mother in anything. I would stay away from people who planned things were I had to be in the same event as my mother.

Also, I was happiest when my mother couldn't pry the name and phone number of my work place. When she got the number, she called me several times at least once EVERY half hour and I suspect was abrupt to the receptionist who started giving me dirty looks. I'll never make that mistake again. When I tried to relocate because I felt that I would never be free of her in the same city. I chose a third world country that she said she would never visit instead of a posh city where she was capable of hopping on a plane to visit me in. She also is perfectly capable of making a scene to tell me what is wrong with me regardless of the entire street hearing or one time, an entire hotel floor. She lit into me because after five hours of standing on line at the government agency for her while she sat on the bench, I was too tired to go out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner and she wanted me there so she could order at least five dishes. I said I was tired because I was tired. I did a lot for her and I was patient and in control all day so I just wanted to fall asleep. She blasted me for hours and I am surprised the hotel staff did not knock on the door. Finally my brother and I left the room and slept in another hotel room. Her abusiveness that night was illogical intense and sustained and completely at odds with her persona of being a superior person. I am baffled by her self regard when her conduct is so terrible that I have a pretty good idea what Mary Todd Lincoln was like for Abraham Lincoln.

So I wouldn't give my mother info and if she obtained it by other channels, I have no problem not making her a priority. We're not girlfriends and I have no hunger for her company nor her interest. I'd pass. There's no such thing as family mores for my family anyway so I could give a s**t about being a respectful offspring.