Anyone dislike physical intimacy?

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Hi,

I didn't really know where to post this. I don't have a high enough mental age for 'In depth adult life discussion' and I looked in the adult issues forum and was way too intimidated by the issues posted there to feel that I wanted to be part of this.

So I will try to phrase this delicately.

Basically, I am in a relationship. I don't like physical intimacy. It hurts and is overwhelming and makes me feel ill and also makes me feel ashamed.

My bf says he doesn't mind but I suspect that this isn't true. I don't really know what to do. I have a doctor and nurse who have checked there is nothing physically wrong.
I've had a lot of counselling in the past but it didn't help and was actually quite abusive. I don't want to take hormone pills to make me want to be intimate because of the side effects.

If my bf really wanted to, I wouldn't mind him being intimate with other people occasionally, if he really needed to do this and if he took precautions. Obviously, this is not ideal, but I don't want to be selfish and deny him something he might feel he 'needs'.

Also, I just want it to not matter. I mean, if I said I didn't like skiing, no-one would say I needed counselling or medication or help of any kind. Also no-one would say I was selfish.

If he wanted to break up with me over this, I would be sad but I'd accept his decision as I know that lack of intimacy is something that people are not to be expected to put up with.

I also don't love. I like my boyfriend and am glad he's around and that I met him. And the issue is not that I don't love HIM, it is that I don't LOVE at all - I don't experience that emotion.

Do other people have this issue?

P.S. I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment and it was difficult for me to write this so please don't be mean.

I'm assuming that 'physical intimacy' is merely a
euphemism.

I like your general attitude,
in terms of realizing that this is important to
him, and willing to allow him sex outside of
the relationship - as well as seeing that it
might end up as a deal breaker.

Still, if ALL forms of sexuality are disturbing
to you, outside of any pain from coitus, it is
going to be a difficult situation, to be with someone
who is NOT asexual. There are bonds which are
made through physical expressions, and it's
a tough road, I would presume.

As to 'love' that's something that we each have
to define for ourself. If you claim that you "don't
love at all," maybe it's time to rethink your definition,
in such a way that you can?

It's good that you and your boyfriend are able to discuss these issues.

I can totally sympathize with you as this matter is very close to my heart, and I will have to place myself in a likewise vulnerable possition to reply. Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to discuss this outside of the forum. It is not I who has the same "problem" as you, but is my former girl friend and love of my life. Neither one of us knew about AS when we were dating, let alone realize they we both had it. I still do not know whether she knows she does.

We were instantly mutually attracted to each other, and got along wonderfully (she even called me her soul-mate) and did most everything together, and I figure we were 99% compatible. We were both best friends as well as bf-gf. The one area in which we had difficulties was intimacy. Unlike Calandale, I am not assuming you are using the term intimacy as a euphemism, as I know she had trouble not only with sex, but also with any form of touching or cuddling. There were times she would hug me and so on, and even get me excited, but I am not sure if she was just forcing herself or actually wanted to be aroused. She has said both at times. Not knowing about AS, I assumed she had been abused at an early age, and she even thought that for a while, but then she said she is certain it is something else.

I loved her, and still do, for she is very intelligent and shares many of the same interests as me, and she was pretty in an uncommon way (that most guys aren't attracted to but I am). I do not know whether she loved me, even though she said she did, for she found me too...smothering, I guess you could say, even though I tried not to be. I just loved being around her. We did all sorts of things together, including overnight trips, and a 3 week vacation together in Europe. She had no problem sleeping with me, but she remained a virgin during all the 5 years we dated, despite me being divorced, so I knew what I (and she) were missing. I remained faithful to her during that whole time, and for almost 2 years after she broke up with me, simply because I loved her and would never betray her, and I haven't met anyone else before or since to whom I was so drawn.

Some of my aspie qualities may have driven her away, and some are evident in what I wrote here (unable to leave a relationship, inappropriate actions in social or intimate situations, and unlike her, I crave affection from the person I love. I am more sensitive than most guys, and while I can't stand to be touched by most people, I deeply desire to be touched, in any way, by someone I am attracted to. I also have a high libido, so that made the situation even more stressful.)

My point is, I loved her and did my best to understand her and support her wishes, even though they were contrary to my own. I would take her back in an instant if she would have me. I don't know her exact situation now, for she stopped talking to me after she started dating someone else, even though we talked for many hours at a time after we broke up. The last I heard, she married him, so I wonder what he is going through. BTW, she broke up with me and told me I deserved someone who could fulfill my affectionate needs since she couldn't, so it sounds very much like you have the same situation as I was in.

I can't say that I am opposed to "physical intimacy", as you put it, but I dislike it outside of the spiritual connection that I think is required to establish a long-lasting relationship. Such a connection manifesting itself is becoming more and more rare in this day, though...

I can understand exactly where you're coming from. My bf is constantly wanting me to be more intimate on a sexual level and even so far as physical touching (cuddling, hugging, etc.) but it's really something I've come to understand that I'm really not very interested in. I do enjoy the physical act of sex once it gets going but I wouldn't be the one to initiate it at all. That just doesn't cross my mind during any sort of thought. I'd much rather (sorry for being crude) take care of my own needs than to go through all of it with him.

We actually fight sometimes because I don't really like sleeping in the same bed with him (we live together). It's not that I don't want to be near him, it's just that I have a VERY hard time falling asleep with him in the bed. I can't get comfortable and I drive him crazy with all of my moving around and tossing and turning before I do fall asleep. Then, if I do fall asleep, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the other bedroom anyway, because I can't fall back to sleep. It's very frustrating.

As for the love thing, I actually posted something similar to your comment in another forum somewhere. It's not that I lack the emotion of "love" but I think I experience it differently than he does. Honestly, I'd be interested to hear some explanations of what the members think "love" is as an emotion. To me it's so nebulous and not at all concrete so I wouldn't ever be able to describe it.

Not sure I've helped you out here but at least you know you're not alone in the boat.

Your relation won't last ...it's going downhill .

Sorry.