First date tips for this Aspie (this Fri.)

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fivecents
Deinonychus
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06 Nov 2007, 5:30 pm

Ok, 24, finishing dissertation, raising children alone, sick. Call Lifetime, we have a story for while the writers are on strike.

I think her wanting to be a doctor stems from a lifetime of illnesses. What is her dissertation on?

Also, if you are going to her house, you should Zillow.com it to check out neighborhood. Aslo Google her. Intellus.com her. Something. OR is this just a girl thing to need all this information to show up at a stranger's house?

As far as conversation goes, check for inconsistancies. When you are together, most likely the conversation will flow. Just don't talk about one subject for too long, unless she is talking about herself. A girl thing.

Wear something comfortable, you don't want to pull out your finest clothes day one.

Please keep us updated!!



moo_cow
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06 Nov 2007, 11:34 pm

fivecents wrote:
Ok, 24, finishing dissertation, raising children alone, sick. Call Lifetime, we have a story for while the writers are on strike.


Who is we? What is lifetime? Are you talking about a tv channel?

Quote:
Also, if you are going to her house, you should Zillow.com it to check out neighborhood. Aslo Google her. Intellus.com her. Something. OR is this just a girl thing to need all this information to show up at a stranger's house?


Why should he do a background check on her? lol

I think she would give him her address if she hasn't already since she says she wants to see him so badly. I just don't see why he hasn't made time to go do it after more than a month.



CentralFLM
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07 Nov 2007, 9:20 am

Well guys, we've spoken for hours on the phone. I told her my parents were flying over to visit me this next weekend. Last night she said she was going to ask me if I wanted to do something this coming weekend, but she said she remembered that my parents were flying over. I told her they were not getting in until late Saturday night. She said, "awww" very quietly. She said maybe she'll take me somewhere. She said it with a little apprehension in her voice. I can tell that there is some fear in her that maybe it will ruin what we have going on and the intimacy that we share on the phone. I think she is afraid to lose that and so am I, but I agree that we must meet to make sure there is chemistry there. I'm sure there will be. I want to meet, but then again I don't want to push her either.

By the way, she is studying Reconstructive Surgery. She should be done with her studies by the time she is 28.



fivecents
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07 Nov 2007, 9:25 am

moo_cow wrote:
fivecents wrote:
Ok, 24, finishing dissertation, raising children alone, sick. Call Lifetime, we have a story for while the writers are on strike.


Who is we? What is lifetime? Are you talking about a tv channel?

"we" is the world, Lifetime is a tv channel that has tons of chick drama shows with happy endings (usually).


Ok, you have to meet this girl. I am sure she will like you. I think you are right that she may be nervous about going from a phone relationship to an in person one. Push for Friday night!!



lola1
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07 Nov 2007, 9:52 am

Go for it Central! Plan something for this weekend before your parents visit - and let us all know how you get on!

Good luck! :wink:



ouinon
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07 Nov 2007, 2:26 pm

It sounds as if it is a lovely relationship as it stands ; why meet?
What would you gain by meeting? ( wouldn't even necessarily confirm or deny what she has told you about herself either.)
It sounds perfect at the moment; you talk , exchange lots of deeply personal info, support each other, feel less lonely, natter about what's going on, etc.
The only thing you can't do is touch physically; maybe that's the way she likes it, many women don't particularly want physical contact. This may be her dream relationship.No body. Just pure mental and emotional connection. Especially with being so busy. Four hours on the phone on one day is a very good date with someone who is busy.Both of you feel like you understand each other; you are happy phoning and mailing.
My own experience of meeting people who I had previously only mailed or telephoned, and where the "connection" was GOOD, is that the in-the-flesh-experience was difficult and/or disappointing.
Almost as if the body is another person :lol: , and would have chosen someone else. Different tastes! :lol:
It's precisely part of my AS that there IS this gulf between my mental and bodily experiences that makes so many things difficult, eg; when it works on the phone it doesn't in the flesh.
Why not save the relationship for the phone?
Apparently players on MMORPGs are finding wonderful relationships in the form of their avatars in games, confident and articulate, able to have intimate and loving relationships online that could never have in the flesh. And why not? What is so precious/sacred about the flesh/body connection?
Good luck.
8)



CentralFLM
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07 Nov 2007, 5:38 pm

lol ouinon, because you can't procreate if you don't see each other in person. Let's face it, that is the bilogical reason for relationships. I know what you mean though, it brings alot of variables into the game when meeting in person. I guarantee you that I won't be disappointed, but I don't know about her. lol We will see.



CentralFLM
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09 Nov 2007, 5:18 pm

Well I found out last night this girl's bone marrow cancer has spread to one of her kidneys. I'm sure they can contain it for now with chemo (maybe radiation later on). She said she has cried about it a lot and I can understand why. She couldn't do the chemo this past Thur because she started to come down with a cold due to a low immune system. I feel so sorry for her. Of course that ruins the chance of us meeting this weekend. She has a lot of stuff going on with her mom too who lives a few blocks away from her. My brother said that I should tell her that we must meet if I were to continue with this relationship because there may not be a chemical attraction in person and I would be wasting my time talking to her. This girl says she knows that when we meet it will not chance anything about things because she cares about me as a person. I don't agree with my brother, because there is no way I would leave this girl (no matter how small of a roll I play in her life) at this junction of her life. Her naturally father left her when she was a baby, her husband left her, and I'm certainly not going to leave her. I'm sure it has to do with Asperger loyalty, that most of us have. And I'm getting so much out of this "relationship" because I felt so ugly before I didn't know what to do.



mom2bax
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10 Nov 2007, 1:14 am

wow what a drama! i feel so bad for all these unfortunate circimstances. just remember it is your life, and you can do what you choose to make you happy. i admire your loyalty to this girl, if it is what you want then stick with it. i know i would appreciate having someone through any tough situation. crisis times can bond people closer together. i really hope it works out for you and her and that someday soon you'll get to meet her in person and go on that long awaited date. it also says a lot to a girl to find a guy who will wait for her.
i'd say if you haven't already get her the teddybear because it will keep untill ou meet.
that was a really sweet poem, most girls like stuff like that wether it's cheesy or not. it makes us feel special to know we were thought about.
i agree with everyone else that you need to just be honest and be yourself that way there's no surprises later on.
all the best.



ouinon
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10 Nov 2007, 5:46 am

That sounds awful CentralFLM. I hope she gets better. I also hope very much that it is not one of the horror stories I've now heard from two different people, one in USA, one in UK, of online-"friends/partners" pretending to die, by illness or by suicide, causing an awful lot of grief to the two people concerned, both when they believed it, and after they found out it was all lies.
Please be careful how much of your emotions you invest in her, as you haven't met her yet and have no way of knowing how much of her cancer history is true.
I'm saying this because apparently it's the best protection; to be aware of the FACT that people do and have done this ; pretend to die from horrible illnesses,and get pleasure from the feelings their story provokes in others.

Best wishes. xx For your own protection, do what it takes to find out for SURE whether what she says is true.
:!:



CentralFLM
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10 Nov 2007, 9:46 am

Thank you all for your support. I did already get her a teddy bear in a doctor's suit. I'm just waiting to give it to her when we meet. It is true, that people make stuff up and I can't confirm all of it. Almost all this can be checked up on though because we live in the same part of the state. It's crazy that we have not met yet. I'll let you guys know.



CentralFLM
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14 Nov 2007, 4:23 pm

Still haven't met this girl yet after over a month. We are growing closer by the day over the phone. I've emailed her letting her know I don't want to be a burden and only an addition to her life. With everything she is going through, I don't want to distract her from her job and kids. I got a little upset Sunday night because my parents just visited me from another state bringing up a lot of emotions in me. I called her up late Sunday night waking her up. I wasn't crying, but of course she could tell I was upset. I asked her when I could see her and she said nothing. After I got off the phone I emailed to appologize and to let her know I'm not a psycho. She emailed me back telling me that if she didn't want me in her life I wouldn't have to ask twice. She told me that she cares for me deeply, but the reason she has not wanted to meet because she doesn't want me to see her sick. The chemo takes a toll on the body and it weakens the immune system. Yesterday she told me that she would get a lot of time off in Dec. because classes will end. She said we must spend a day together.



CentralFLM
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27 Nov 2007, 9:22 am

O.k., you guys deserve an update. Have I met this girl yet? Nooooo!! !! We've talked on the phone for days and her life is as complicated as ever. Last week she asked if I wanted to go out with her this Tuesday and of course I said yes. I staked out a place to eat and hang out. I went on vacation last week and was looking forward to this Tuesday. She tells me via email and on the phone how much I mean to her, etc. etc. Then last night (Monday) she emails me saying that she was called into work and that they were short handed for Tuesday. She couldn't tell them no. I guess I was a little upset because she didn't call to tell me, but I understand because she had to go into work that hour because she had to work two shifts in a row. I quickly called her up and she said she was sorry, but had to go to work now.
Honestly guys, she is not giving me the run around. She asked me if I wanted to go out this past Sunday with her friends, but you guys know like I do that it is just too much stimuli to meet new people (her friends) and a potential girlfriend at the same time. That just spells disaster for us with AS. Her life is so full with her two kids, work, school, and having bone marrow cancer. But I told her at the beginning of this that I was not high maintenance due to my AS and that I understood with the field she has chosen that she would be on call or called in at any time. In the long run, I'm fine with this. I guess it just sucks that we haven't met yet.



lola1
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27 Nov 2007, 10:20 am

I've expressed this concern before in this thread Central and I really hope I'm wrong but I can't help thinking that this girl is stringing you along - would they really ask her to work a stressful double shift when she has bone marrow cancer which has spread to her kidneys?

What's happening with you sounds so similar to something that happened to my friend only very recently. There is a website dedicated to people who have passed on and my friend frequents it as she lost her son to cot death last year. She became very close to a woman who had a apparently lost 2 children to cot death and a husband to suicide.

They struck up a friendship for over 6 months, emailing, phoning and arranging to meet (which always got cancelled at the last moment). Finally my friend decided to book a train ticket and surprise her by going to visit her. The day before she left however, she had to inform this woman that she was going to see her because she needed to clarify her address. Low and behold, she had an email from the woman's 'mother' that very night saying that her daughter had comitted suicide. My friend was inconsolable. This was a person with which she shared something so personal and tragic and she felt like she had really found a kindred spirit - they spoke or emailed daily.

It was all a load of Bol***ks - her entire story had been made up. She had been using pictures of friends babies to post on the website and pass them off as her dead children and when the time came and she realised she was going to be rumbled, she decided to kill herself off.

I'm not saying this is what's happening to you - I'm just saying be cautious. You sound like a genuinely nice man and there are some real sickos out there.

I say again, I hope I'm wrong.

Good luck



CentralFLM
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27 Nov 2007, 10:49 am

Thank you for your concern lola. I guess with my gut feeling, I'm pretty sure that she is not making this up. I've spoken on the phone with her for hours. Yes, you are right that it is odd that they would ask someone with cancer to work a double shift, but then again if they are short handed in a hospital, they may have no other choice. To be honest, I've verified her personal information on the internet and actually drove by her house to check possible inaccuracies with location, cars, landscape, etc. Everything has come back as truthful.
In my honest opinion, I think this girl is way over her head. She is only 24, single parent of 2, recently divorced, has a psycho mother who lives a couple of blocks away who was mentally abusive to her her whole life, has bone marrow cancer, in med school, and probably is lonely. This is too much for any of us to handle. On top of all this, she wants a romantic relationship. I think we would all agree that she probably can't handle this relationship with me...............except for one little fact, I have Aspergers and I'm not needy like NT people. I can handle the broken dates, missed phone calls, and dissapointments because my emotional cup is small and I don't need all the needy affection that everyone else needs.
One of my coworkers suggested that I break this off with her. Her natural father left the family when she was one. Her ex husband cheated on her and left her. I think she may have a mistrust of men and rightfully so. I'll be damn if I'm going to leave her. I am attached to her and I'll go through hell and back with her. Aspies are loyal people you know. I'll probably get hurt, but I don't care. Life, a happy life, is about giving and focusing on giving. She may hurt and take from me, but all I know is that she has given so much to me as far as accepting me for me so far.



Goche21
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27 Nov 2007, 10:54 am

I'm not sure if she's stringing you along, or just letting other things interfer with your relationship. Typicly people who 'string you along' give vague times like 'sometime next week' or 'another time maybe'. She just seems to have bad luck and a submissive personality.

Why not express some concerns that you feel to her?