Guys, how do you keep your NT wife/girlfriend happy?

Page 2 of 2 [ 31 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

LePetitPrince
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,464

18 Oct 2007, 1:11 pm

pay



LePetitPrince
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,464

18 Oct 2007, 1:12 pm

some flowers won't break you btw



samtoo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753
Location: England

18 Oct 2007, 1:19 pm

calandale wrote:
Set a random chance that you'll
buy her flowers, and roll dice for
it every day. :P


Ah yes... the 'dice throwing' metaphor. :D I think that one a lot...

Well I ain't exactly quite qualified to say as I'm still single but hmm... to keep a NT girl (has there ever been such an annoyingly awkward cross of 2 things? :P) happy, I guess I just keep being a happy lunatic dude who defies usual social rules and tries not to care about the whole typical competition thing... and I guess you could say I may be self-centered but I ain't selfish... entirely... lol
Nah I do care about others to a large extent...

Next step umm... getting one? lol the one I'm after preferably... if not, I'll go for an aspie girl. If this thing don't happen I'd want to find one I don't know where you all keep hiding yourselves! :D


_________________
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.


arem
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 155

18 Oct 2007, 9:39 pm

(IMHO it doesn't matter if it's directly related to AS. It's something that many people here are likely to have in common, one way or another - do we need any more?)

I've only given flowers twice... and one of those times it turned out to be the wrong type of flower (some type of lily, used primarily in funerals. Argh!). Combined with the feeling that I'd only be doing it because I'm "supposed" to, I really don't think it's a worthy thing for me to do.

I will randomly ring or SMS my wife somewhen during the day; only once every few weeks but I can tell she really appreciates it when I do. It lets her know that I still think of her when she's not there.

Other than that, it's mostly the occasional spontaneous hug, of course with the words "I love you" softly spoken at the same time :)


_________________
I'm... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

19 Oct 2007, 5:55 am

I love giving roses,
but only about once
in any relationship.
I'm opposed to killing
the pretty flowers.



pandabear
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,402

19 Oct 2007, 8:32 am

When it comes to NT chicks:

1. ALWAYS buy flowers on Valentine's Day (Yes, I know, it is a manufactured holiday, designed to make money for Hallmark, and has no real meaning, blah blah blah). DON'T intellectualize about it and JUST DO IT!! ! Believe me, NT chicks will talk to each other about what they got for Valentine's Day from their husbands/sweethearts, and IT IS A VERY BIG DEAL!! !!

2. ALWAYS do something special on your anniversary.

3. Keep complimenting her.

4. I think that may be about all that you need to know.



calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

19 Oct 2007, 8:37 am

Heroin.



samtoo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753
Location: England

19 Oct 2007, 11:55 am

calandale wrote:
Heroin.


Good point. :|


_________________
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.


Safire
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 13

22 Oct 2007, 1:57 am

Speaking as an NT girl with an AS bf... I can tell you that we do misunderstand each other. There is one important thing here that I haven't noticed said directly... everyone receives affection differently. For me personally I need physical affection... and no I don't mean sex... I like sex... actually I like it a lot but for me what makes me feel loved is being held, hugged, or holding hands while walking. (Unfortunate that I picked someone who genetically dislikes touching isn't it?) One of my favorite things is when my bf comes up and hugs me from behind (usually surprises me while I'm cooking the sneaky bastard) I love the warm cared for feeling it gives me.

The important thing is to figure out what says love to your wife. It may be literal tokens of affection like flowers, it may be listening to her babble about her day and responding to particular things she has said. There's a book called the 5 love languages or something like that that might help you. Whoever told you to see how she tried to show you love and reflect that back gave good advice, unfortunately we (humans in general) tend to give affection, respect, ect. in the way we would like to receive it. Who knew the Golden Rule had a downside eh?

The best advice I have is to sit down and talk with her. Presumably she knows about AS? Tell her you want her to know how much you love her, but you need her help to learn how to do it so she'll see it. As long as she's willing to work with you things should get better... it may be slow and difficult but effort is definitely underestimated sometimes. The fact that you're here seeking counsel already shows that you're willing to work on it, so keep at it and good luck! :wink:



pandabear
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,402

22 Oct 2007, 8:06 am

Safire wrote:
One of my favorite things is when my bf comes up and hugs me from behind (usually surprises me while I'm cooking the sneaky bastard) I love the warm cared for feeling it gives me.

:wink:


I do something similar--I sneak up from behind and kiss her butt. This also yields a warm cared-for feeling. :wink:



Safire
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 13

22 Oct 2007, 3:32 pm

pandabear wrote:
Safire wrote:
One of my favorite things is when my bf comes up and hugs me from behind (usually surprises me while I'm cooking the sneaky bastard) I love the warm cared for feeling it gives me.

:wink:


I do something similar--I sneak up from behind and kiss her butt. This also yields a warm cared-for feeling. :wink:


Eep! :wink:



stevechoi
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 105

19 Nov 2007, 3:35 am

If you're truly an Aspie, you'll know that we really suck at social communication. So do what most aspies do, and do what society wants you to do. Watch a lot of romantic movies. Read a bunch of romance columns and advice articles. Copy those and you'll seem completely normal to her. She doesn't want much. Just some honest appreciation and love. Ironic that those two emotions are not genetically available in our aspie DNA. But that doesn't mean you can't try to fake it. Not in a bad way, but in a way to make her happy. It's our only option really...



Pandora
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2005
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,553
Location: Townsville

19 Nov 2007, 6:36 am

alex wrote:
jread wrote:
I'm married to a wonderful NT girl who I am quite happy with, but she is not always very happy with me. She doesn't understand why I don't think to compliment her, or tell her what she means to me, or bring her flowers, etc.

I can't make her understand that I DO appreciate her but that I never think of doing things like that and that I have trouble showing my emotions. I think that her issues with me are valid and that she does deserve to feel special and appreciated, but I honestly have no clue how to do this. I don't know how to remind myself to compliment her ever now and then or surprise her with flowers here and there. These things make her very happy and it's really not much to ask of me to do them... I just don't know how to make myself think that way.

Any tips or advice? How do you do it?


What's so hard about buying her flowers once in a while? And what does not buying flowers have to do with Asperger's?
Flowers aren't very practical, unless they are attached to a pot plant, but it's always worth asking the lady if she likes flowers. If it makes her happy, then there's no harm in buying them sometimes.

Even as an Aspie, I like being told I'm loved and cared for regularly (often didn't happen, but still...)


_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon


talitha_kumi
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 82
Location: Cambridge, UK

19 Nov 2007, 6:45 am

The direct approach probably wouldn't hurt, and might make all the difference. Ask her what things make her feel loved and appreciated. Even if what she mentions feels unnecessary to you, do them without demanding an explanation. There is no turn-off worse than having to logically justify something you emotionally need. Maybe her need to hear you tell her you love her is irrational and logically unnecessary. But it's something that makes her feel wanted and needed, and costs you nothing in terms of time or resources.



mmaestro
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 522
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA

19 Nov 2007, 1:45 pm

jfberge wrote:
It's not hard, but it's hard to do in a genuine way. A lot of traditional displays of affection seem contrived and empty to me, so doing them feels shallow, and an empty gesture.

I don't think so, or at least it's only as contrived as any other man buying flowers for his partner - in the end, everyone only buys flowers for their partners because they know that person will enjoy seeing them, and like the gesture. No one is born automatically knowing when is appropriate to come up with flowers, chocolates, dinner, etc. It's something people learn, and - I know this will come as a shock to many of you - most NTs suck at doing it, too.
Quote:
Also, it's hard to be spontaneous. If your wife says she'd like flowers, and then you buy her some the next day, or day after, it's seen as formulaic.

Or a demonstration that you're actually listening to her, and willing to take the hint and do something she'd like.
Quote:
Romantic gestures in general are hard, because they require an accompanying emotional "sell," that I can't deliver. If you do it without the sell, it only draws attention to the fact that what was supposed to be an expression of love wasn't genuine, and that's sad. It's a mini test where failure is a big deal.

I disagree. In the end, all these gestures, for everyone, are artificial to some degree or other. You do something not because you automatically knew your partner would want it, but because you made an effort to think of her needs, and did something that experience told you would make her happy. I'd stop worrying about whether it seems forced, genuine, whatever, and just focus on whether in the end you're doing something for your partner that you think they'd like.*

*Disclaimer: I haven't bought my wife flowers in ages, and last time I did it was a disaster because the flower shop was staffed by incompetents who took forever to prepare the flowers and I was late in picking her up at the end of a very stressful week, and what was supposed to be a nice gesture turned into something that made things far, far worse. But I really ought to get her flowers some time soon or something she'd like.


_________________
"You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd"
-Captain Sheridan, Babylon 5

Music of the Moment: Radiohead - In Rainbows