Being easily influenced

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One of the things I've noticed about my relationships is that it's easy for the girl I'm with to convince me that something I'm doing or some aspect about me is wrong. Being aspie and always having felt kind of out of step with most people, it's easy for me to believe that I'm abnormal. Outside of a relationship, I have a fairly static, enduring list of values and convictions that guide me, and seem self-evident. I feel like as long as I'm honest with others and myself, am always open and loving, and keep my promises, I'm doing things right. Life isn't so neatly defined, though, so just about any situation can be cast in various lights, and I lose my perspective when faced with criticism. I guess the one conviction I lack is that being aspie isn't indefensible or wrong. It may be frustrating for others, and I need to be understanding of that, but it doesn't invalidate my thoughts and feelings. It's just hard to stick to in the face of someone emotional about a siutation that I'm not.

I tend to be the same way. I think part of the solution is being aware of your tendency to let a significant other have that effect on you. A romantic relationship can make anyone act in ways they wouldn't normally act and emotions tend to run higher than in other types of relationships.

For me, I find that the most important thing is having other people in your life you can talk to who can reinforce your sense of reality. Friends and/or family who know you can act as a stabilizer in the face of criticism from your girlfriend.

This is true, but I have to wonder about the objectivity of the people I know. They're on my side, so they pick up on whatever my position is, and probably tell me what I want to hear instead of a dispassionate opinion. That's one of the great things about this site. Nobody here knows me, and they're aren't as concerned about "supporting" me. I can trust their feedback more.

We might be more objective, but we don't know you anywhere as well as the people you know in real life. We only get your side of things and we don't interact with you in person. Is there anyone you know well in person who is typically blunt with you (e.g., a best friend or sibling)?

Not really. The people who know me well enough aren't objective, and the people who would be blunt don't know me all that well. Beyond that, I feel kind of weird asking people personal advice, at least in real life. On the Interweb, it's a lot easier.

i think i have had troubles figuring out why relationships go sour for me... because i am a different person with different people.

i think it has to do with something you said... but i do tend to cater more to my partner... as i know that i don't generally have the best inclinations for most things.

but i have always felt that as much as i try to do this... that the efforts are never mutual. it's kinda hard now... it's been well over a yr since i've had a relationship (~~same time i found out about AS, hmmmm........) and i'm starting to realize that all these small things that i always interpreted as them not caring are probably wrong... that maybe all my lil quirky demands (i dont mean like debutant demands... just things they shouldnt do to me, lol) are more outlandish than is normally expected in relationships.

i am heartbroken that i have lost all these loves due to me... and while i could strike back up any one of those relationships... i start to remember why i left them... and just how much of a gap there was... why i still felt so lonely, even after trying for and average of 3yrs, per any one relationship... and well, there just is no bouncing back from that pavement that is despair.

im like milk gone sour once ive tried and tired to understand someone in a relationship and things just dont seem to work... i dont like placating any more than i like being placated... i never asked for understanding... just appreciation

but i guess the two go hand in hand... and now that i know about AS... i have to move forward and i think i must add a new constraint to my prospective partners... that they should at least be aware of these kind of things and to try...

cause goddamnit.......... at least i try.

It's only been in my last relationship that I knew about my Asperger's, but knowing it and telling her didn't help matters. If anything, it just made things worse, as she bought a book on Asperger marriages and was freaked out by most of what she read. I think that she already wanted a divorce, anyway, so that gave her a tangible excuse. I don't know if she ever really appreciated what things were like for me. I got the impression that she saw my telling her about it as an excuse for me to do whatever I wanted. I could be an ass, and then just hold up my card ("Ahem! Aspergers."). I like your take on it... appreciation more than understanding. You don't have to empathize with me, but at least be supportive and open.

I know what you mean about the sour milk thing. You only get one shot at a relationship. Trying to revisit it just brings back the same old dynamics and lack of respect. A year by yourself is probably a good thing. I've been alone for a bit longer than that, and I have a pretty good idea what to look for now (as well as the desire to).

i dont know what to look for (i know what NOT to look for, for sure)... i wouldnt pretend to want to do that... i like things that just catch my fancy and just running with it (guess obsession has always been natural)... like you said, i have empirically learned about the one shot deal. i have tried to rekindle old flames... cause they had presented compelling reasons to try. but with every relationship gone by, i grow more tired of the same set of beloved dichotomous aspects they all attach to me (much of which you read in asperger's literature too actually... and i get squimish just reading about "myself" with that stuff too)


i told my last bf about what i thought about myself when i found out about AS and he just kinda blew it off... much like most people who ("kinda", as i would describe) know me... and i don't doubt that he would have felt that i was playing the same card, as you described your partner did... but we never got to that point

but that doesnt address what i mean by adding a new constraint... i dont think finding someone who's naive to AS would be good... just someone who already knows. whether it's through having a family member, being AS themself, or say working in a science lab where they at least know diagnostics and such. i just need someone to try and deduce as much out of me as i feel i try to do with them.

I'm not easily influenced. I'm pretty hard headed and I usually know when someone's trying to influence me to bending to their thought system. I don't want to be influenced. I'm not your Ken doll in which you can change me to your standards. Either take me as I am or get the fu*k out of my life.

I've dated one girl who, though she didn't know or identify with it, seemed very aspie. She was cool and controlled and I was mad about her. It's the only relationship I've been in where I was the more emotional one. It didn't turn out well, but I still think about her, so the idea of dating another aspie is appealing. And, as you've said, if not an aspie, someone at least logical and rational, or even someone with their own issues, as long as they're not borderline. I just want someone who, when I say I'm feeling weird and I can't explain it, doesn't immediately get upset and assume it's about them, and that I'm just being manipulative.

How has that worked out for you? I'd like to be that way. I find that there are things I'm going to do and say that aren't generally kosher, so I have to expect some conflict about it. When someone is hysterical or crying about something you've done, and you don't see the problem, it's hard to maintain a sense of being right, even when you feel totally in the right. It never works out well when I do stand my ground.