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Pugly
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28 Nov 2007, 10:41 pm

Myrkabah wrote:

This sounds suspiciously like non-verbal communication. ;)


Um, yeah... :oops:

There I go reinventing the wheel again... it happens... :roll:
:D


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NightsideEclipse
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29 Nov 2007, 12:47 am

To answer Gwenevyn, I did in fact just talk to her this weekend. She was quite happy that I called, and I think from her excitement I can safely conclude that she missed me. The talk was great per usual. She has been very busy with GREs. Anyway, She told me that she would probably come to SU soon to get recommendations from former professors, and we agreed to get together when that happens (assuming it occurs before winter break; if not, I'll be nearer to her at home anyways).



shadexiii
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29 Nov 2007, 1:03 am

Myrkabah wrote:
Aspie men also outnumber aspie women by about 4-5:1 - it's the same reason geek girls are so fawned upon. There aren't enough to go around, and nobody wants to share. (Including myself!)

For every aspie guy who finds a girl like him, there's three or four who either end up with a non-aspie partner, or single. And I think it's a pretty common thread to wish that one could find someone "like me". Especially when you spend so much of your life unable to relate meaningfully with most people. From our point of view, there's a hell of a lot more people looking for the same thing we are than there are people who fit the criteria.

It also somewhat necessitates not taking your time with it - it's pretty much a guarantee that an attractive aspie/geek girl is being courted by other men, and the adage "there are other fish in the sea" simply doesn't hold as true. If someone else gets the jump because they were more forward, it isn't like you can just go find another girl. They don't come up very often. Hence; they fall for you. Fast.

The ironic thing is that this tends to have the exact opposite result that they're hoping for.

By not taking your time, by keeping in mind that there's a "limited number," you're not treating the woman like an equal, but more like a commodity, or better yet (at least in terms of a description >_<), a limited resource.

Sure, I'd do anything in my power to win over the woman I love, but not because I fear the possibility of there not being anyone else, but because I don't want anyone else. It is her, or nobody, because nobody else would ever compare.

It shouldn't be treated like a mere numbers game.



Myrkabah
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29 Nov 2007, 1:13 am

Pugly wrote:
Myrkabah wrote:

This sounds suspiciously like non-verbal communication. ;)


Um, yeah... :oops:

There I go reinventing the wheel again... it happens... :roll:
:D


Hehe, it's ok. :)

I spent some time thinking about this thread on my walk. The lesson I learned from my experience with my friend was that when you devote too much of your time and energy worrying about what you don't have, it's very easy to completely miss the things that you do have. Because I was so hurt and upset at what happened when we first met, at my unrealistic desires not being met, it took me a number of years to really appreciate one of my best friends.

I think that perhaps this applies to us (aspies) and romance in general. We spend so much time worrying about the deficiencies that we carry with us in that area to really explore our strengths and unique contributions. It doesn't seem nearly as bad that, say, we're not very good at playing hard to get when you stop and consider this makes us ideal for the type of person who is sick of or simply not interested in playing games. It doesn't seem nearly as bad that we don't tend to attract a large number of potential partners to us when, due to our relative rarity, the ones that we do are saying to themselves - "I can't believe it took me this long to find someone like this..." We also have that classic aspie loyalty to the people they care about (to a fault...) to really nurture that and make it work. We don't get signals very well? That's not as much of a weakness when we possess the self-honesty to realize that we just don't know, and ask to see if someone can help us puzzle it out. For every deficiency we have, there's a commensurate strength. We have some very desirable qualities, well-suited for a rarer and more meaningful type of relationship. In the same vein... being single for a while isn't so bad if you consider that you don't have to filter through nearly as much white noise to find what you want.

We have rare qualities. We're not like most people. But some of those are good qualities, and sometimes not being like most people is a great thing.

I think, maybe, that this may be a microcosm instance of the whole idea of neurodiversity. I could try to approach this aspect of my life more 'normally', and worry about how I'm falling short.

Or.......

I could just be the best me that I can, not force myself to fit myself into a certain mold to be what someone wants, be kind, listen, and maybe one day find someone who's looking for those qualities. As gwenevyn stated - most people don't respond well to my particular style of blunt honesty. But some do. And that's what I need to remember.

I never was looking for popular appeal anyway. :)



Myrkabah
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29 Nov 2007, 1:19 am

shadexiii wrote:
By not taking your time, by keeping in mind that there's a "limited number," you're not treating the woman like an equal, but more like a commodity, or better yet (at least in terms of a description >_<), a limited resource.

Sure, I'd do anything in my power to win over the woman I love, but not because I fear the possibility of there not being anyone else, but because I don't want anyone else. It is her, or nobody, because nobody else would ever compare.

It shouldn't be treated like a mere numbers game.


Oh, I 100% agree. But looking at the situation from a purely objective standpoint, if you have 5,000 suitors, and only 1,000 potential partners.... 4,000 people are getting left out in the cold, regardless of how much they love anyone.

For someone who has severe difficulties relating to non-aspie women, this scenario is essentially the case. This tends to lead to acts of desperation once the rare one comes along. That's all I'm trying to say.

I'm certainly not saying that it's ok.



Pugly
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29 Nov 2007, 1:21 am

shadexiii wrote:
By not taking your time, by keeping in mind that there's a "limited number," you're not treating the woman like an equal, but more like a commodity, or better yet (at least in terms of a description >_<), a limited resource.

Sure, I'd do anything in my power to win over the woman I love, but not because I fear the possibility of there not being anyone else, but because I don't want anyone else. It is her, or nobody, because nobody else would ever compare.

It shouldn't be treated like a mere numbers game.


It tends to change the whole interaction I think, well knowing that there are only so many aspie women... every chance at aspie romance becomes a matter of desperation... if I don't get with her... I'll be alone forever... or something.

I see this a lot, and it's very strange now that I think about it. I did the same thing too... I used to list qualities that I needed... and expect a relationship to fall into place once I found everything I liked/needed in someone else. Then when it doesn't work, I'm devastated when something so 'perfect' fails. And then loneliness feels even more bitter.

I've thought about the idea of 'nobody' being better out there, it's hard to even work the idea... since I can't extrapolate all the variables of every girl on this earth. I'm starting to see the wisdom in realizing the amount of women out there. I just need one quality relationship to grow... and through that experience and her actions, thoughts and personality she'll become like no one else out there to me.

Maybe that's what you are saying... I tend to see many women initially as quality partners for me. And then I don't need anyone else... but I could be with someone else... maybe this sounds sort of unromantic actually...

Hmm... expressing this idea is difficult...


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


Last edited by Pugly on 29 Nov 2007, 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

Myrkabah
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29 Nov 2007, 1:23 am

NightsideEclipse wrote:
To answer Gwenevyn, I did in fact just talk to her this weekend. She was quite happy that I called, and I think from her excitement I can safely conclude that she missed me. The talk was great per usual. She has been very busy with GREs. Anyway, She told me that she would probably come to SU soon to get recommendations from former professors, and we agreed to get together when that happens (assuming it occurs before winter break; if not, I'll be nearer to her at home anyways).


WOOHOO!

Image



Myrkabah
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29 Nov 2007, 1:32 am

Pugly wrote:
I've thought about the idea of 'nobody' being better out there, it's hard to even work the idea... since I can't extrapolate all the variables of every girl on this earth. I'm starting to see the wisdom in realizing the amount of women out there. I just need one quality relationship to grow... and through that experience and her actions, thoughts and personality she'll become like no one else out there to me.

Maybe that's what you are saying... I tend to see many women initially as quality partners for me. And then I don't need anyone else... but I could be with someone else... maybe this sounds sort of unromantic actually...

Hmm... expressing this idea is difficult...


heh, relevant comic:

Image



Pugly
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29 Nov 2007, 1:36 am

Myrkabah wrote:

heh, relevant comic:

Image


Great!

Actually, I may never tell a lady this...but when I find the right person... I will honestly stay with her because I'm too lazy and annoyed by the whole courting process to go with anyone else.

Infidelity... that just smacks of effort man!

Ah it's love... :heart:


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


NightsideEclipse
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20 Dec 2007, 3:16 am

Well, she's done with GREs and I'm going to see her again Wednesday. She was very excited over the phone and she was suggesting further plans as well. I was also able to make her laugh uncontrollaby. I guess things are working pretty well. The only thing is that I am conflicted between having feelings for her and another girl (whom I refuse to call NT; bipolar is perhaps more likely), but I won't get into that. I guess that's good though, since it will mean that when I am around either girl, I should be more at ease due to not having all my eggs in one basket.



ToadOfSteel
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20 Dec 2007, 3:28 am

shadexiii wrote:
It shouldn't be treated like a mere numbers game.


What happens when all you see is numbers? I have the mind of an accountant... all I see are assets and liabilities, etc...



Darling
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20 Dec 2007, 3:35 pm

Quote:
However, the biggest issue is what she has told me about relationships. She has not dated since high school and she said once in a conversation around the end of August that she was not really looking because she wanted to focus on her academic success. It didn't sound like she was outright rejecting the idea of having a relationship with someone, but she seemed a bit disinterested.

haha.

hasn't that occurred to you that that could be a hint?


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NightsideEclipse
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20 Dec 2007, 6:57 pm

Darling wrote:
Quote:
However, the biggest issue is what she has told me about relationships. She has not dated since high school and she said once in a conversation around the end of August that she was not really looking because she wanted to focus on her academic success. It didn't sound like she was outright rejecting the idea of having a relationship with someone, but she seemed a bit disinterested.

haha.

hasn't that occurred to you that that could be a hint?

A hint for what? Help me to understand your thinking.



Darling
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21 Dec 2007, 7:28 am

NightsideEclipse wrote:
Darling wrote:
Quote:
However, the biggest issue is what she has told me about relationships. She has not dated since high school and she said once in a conversation around the end of August that she was not really looking because she wanted to focus on her academic success. It didn't sound like she was outright rejecting the idea of having a relationship with someone, but she seemed a bit disinterested.

haha.

hasn't that occurred to you that that could be a hint?

A hint for what? Help me to understand your thinking.

*digs up files* 8)

well the things that the author (wait, are you the author?) have said before sounds as if the girl does like him. and then suddenly she goes 'oh i've never dated anyone since high school'. now why mention this suddenly? unless you were talking about the subject of course. i dunno, i've seen some of my friends using that tactic before.


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NightsideEclipse
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21 Dec 2007, 2:03 pm

Darling wrote:
NightsideEclipse wrote:
Darling wrote:
Quote:
However, the biggest issue is what she has told me about relationships. She has not dated since high school and she said once in a conversation around the end of August that she was not really looking because she wanted to focus on her academic success. It didn't sound like she was outright rejecting the idea of having a relationship with someone, but she seemed a bit disinterested.

haha.

hasn't that occurred to you that that could be a hint?

A hint for what? Help me to understand your thinking.

*digs up files* 8)

well the things that the author (wait, are you the author?) have said before sounds as if the girl does like him. and then suddenly she goes 'oh i've never dated anyone since high school'. now why mention this suddenly? unless you were talking about the subject of course. i dunno, i've seen some of my friends using that tactic before.


It wasn't just out of the blue, it was within the context of a larger conversation. It was also when we first started talking; she seemed to warm up to me more later. Just two days ago, she was very excited about seeing me today (I must get ready now :) ).