At what age did you give up trying to attract men/women?

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DeaconBlues
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07 Dec 2007, 9:30 pm

I never "gave up trying". I also never really tried.

I met my first wife when I was hanging out at a bowling alley, because a group of BBS users in that area bowled on Friday nights, and I hung out with them.

Ten years later, when my first wife had left me for a more reliable meal ticket, I was involved in a local-area chat room on AOL. One of the young ladies in there had recently been through a rough time, and I'd provided a sympathetic "ear" online. She was willing, in turn, to listen to my tale of woe, and, well, we kind of got to know each other, which proved to be a good thing, and has been for a decade now. :)

So, you see, I never tried, so I never gave up trying - it all happened, as Fanny Brice said, "at the very moment when it was right that it should be so, and not a second sooner".


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lastcrazyhorn
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07 Dec 2007, 10:07 pm

9CatMom wrote:
I never started making a conscious effort.


Yeah, I was going to say, "that's assuming that I ever started to begin with."


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pakled
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07 Dec 2007, 10:23 pm

never gave up. On my 2nd marriage, that's a bit rocky, but I didn't know then what I know now.

I was concerned in that the qualities I thought women wanted (someone who would 'be there', and I didn't even have a 'there', who could 'give emotionally', which I wasn't sure how to do, etc)
I can come across as friendly (obsequiously so), and that comes across as a 'nice guy' bit, but eventually they get tired of doing all the 'heavy lifting' in the relationship, and get tired, or even sick.

I wouldn't give up, but sometimes being a lighthouse keeper seems an enticing prospect...;)



mechanima
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08 Dec 2007, 7:13 am

No plans to give up at all...in fact, in the past couple of years I seem to have "expanded my operations" in this area somewhat into attracting women, as well as men. I am even told I am rather good at it (I have to be told, because I haven't got a CLUE)...

Attracting people is some of the best fun I know, it's only when I am faced with a situation where I have to figure out how to actually interact with and relate to them in terms of that attraction that I need to leave town...

I am not afraid of rejection, as long as I can actually see it clearly and unambiguously, it's quite relaxing, actually ANYTHING clear and unambiguous is quite relaxing (I realise that I will probably have to live my WHOLE life without EVER having the first idea of "how others perceive me" let alone whether they actually want me around or not. Fortunately I am too Schizoid for that to be any kind of "big deal" or it would probably drive me nuts.)

I am not even afraid of love...I can *do* love...just not in the same room (town/county/landmass)...it's WAY too complicated and stressful.

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LeKiwi
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08 Dec 2007, 7:26 am

I never did. Apparently I never had a problem either, if my friends are to be believed, I just never had a clue when someone was hitting on me or flirting or whatever (or when I was flirting either!). They all used to get really frustrated with me because I'd go on about how I like someone, and they'd tell me he obviously liked me too, but I'd never believe it because I just couldn't tell.

All said and done though, when I met my partner I knew he was the one the moment I saw him, and thankfully he knew I was too, so we were fairly inseperable from the word 'go'. Coming up two years and counting...! !



Memi
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08 Dec 2007, 7:43 am

I love sex. Well when I got a good partner. I had this stratagy that to have two or three men as boyfriends (not generally together...although i would not put that past me) at the same time that I would not obsess over one or the other. They would have "help" taking care of the needy Alexithymia part of me. That didn't work. Men get jealous and I have trouble hiding things and get caught cuz well I am too honest for my own good. Right?

Each year I try to go without thing for a year...but every time I think I am going to get my year without it...and every time I get too clingy on a good guy and he runs away I find losers knocking at my door.
Thanks to therapy I think I am going to make it this time. At least I didn't take advantage of the "loser" who feel in love with me this time around.
I am getting picky in my old age...thank god. I am 27 and trying to find a companion was all I could think about for the last ten years. I dont even know what I want to be when I grow up because I was so busy looking to fit in when I was the only one who should have been voting yes.
It's funny how we get labeled as self centered when the exact opposite is the truth.



mechanima
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08 Dec 2007, 9:10 am

LeKiwi wrote:
I just never had a clue when someone was hitting on me or flirting or whatever (or when I was flirting either!). They all used to get really frustrated with me because I'd go on about how I like someone, and they'd tell me he obviously liked me too, but I'd never believe it because I just couldn't tell.


That is SO familiar!! ! :lol:

And so is this:

Memi wrote:
I had this stratagy that to have two or three men as boyfriends (not generally together...although i would not put that past me) at the same time that I would not obsess over one or the other. They would have "help" taking care of the needy Alexithymia part of me. That didn't work. Men get jealous and I have trouble hiding things and get caught cuz well I am too honest for my own good. Right?


That is SO ME. :lol:

But the only thing the Alexithymic part of me ever needed was for them all to confer and figure out, which one, if any, I was in love with/attracted to/lusting to capacity after, because I certainly wouldn't have a clue...

Not only do I not know where I stand with people, I usually don't know much about where they stand with ME either...

I did a LOT of coming face to face with myself recently...

The best way to wrap me round you little finger is to convince me you are crazy about me...THAT makes me feel guilty (I still have to figure out why that is) so you HAVE ME...I will do, or convince myself I FEEL just about ANYTHING to stand down the guilt...

I have had two (but NB that word "two" :wink: ) different guys running me, and my life INTO THE ground, over YEARS that way lately (and plenty others in the past)...I have LIVED my life for them, bled out my life blood, you name it...I have run myself to the edge of alcoholism a few times, and, to be honest, been treated like cr*p by both of them (though they were both careful to maintain the passive aggressive illusion of "devotion" they were both getting so much mileage out of ), and I am not sure I even LIKE them (in one case I am certain I don't)...even stalkers have been known to get a certain amount of mileage out of me just because I feel guilty and responsible for their obsession.

But when I DO come across someone I cannot help unreservedly liking, approving of and lusting after, I am like a little kid waking up too early on a frosty morning in a cold bed pulling coats over her until she can get comfortable enough to sleep again...

Except it's not coats I am frantic to cover myself with...it is people...to try and diffuse the inevitable perseveration on what is going on, whether it is in any way mutual, and what I should do about it...that will otherwise destroy my ability to function at all, and stress me to the edge if not CLEAN over it...

...and when I realise what I am doing and that it isn't actually going to work anyway, I run for it...before I create mayhem (again - trust me, I have, in the past).

Trouble is, I am STILL doing that 3 months shy of my 50th birthday.

Anyone I have no interest in, who can convince me (and a few witnesses, it's not like I EVER take my perceptions seriously) that they are crazy about me can have me as an emotional punchbag for years if they like...and they DO like...

Anyone I actually WANT is in a race against my stress levels and functionality that cannot be won in any healthy way, the overload happens WAY too fast...just being attracted to someone is a major crisis for me that actually gets WORSE if I can see a possibility of reciprocation (rejection is EASY to deal with)

I used to overcome it when I was young by finding people prepared to "fall in love" overnight...but that always (by some odd coincidence :roll: ) turned out to be a mistaken impression shared with an highly dysfunctional person within weeks.

Maybe I had better stick to my strategy of celibacy for most of the past 14 years? But which I do NOT mean "celibacy" in twinsets and tweed (perish the thought)...by rather my own personal brand of High Camp, High Goth celibacy in spike heeled thigh boots and tight laced corsets...after all, if you can't beat it, best to weave a fetish around it. :wink:

M



mikebw
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08 Dec 2007, 12:03 pm

I don't try to attract women, and with the exception of trying to get my ex-girlfriend, I never have.



Irisrises
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08 Dec 2007, 12:10 pm

I need to START trying. So far all I do is try to avoid harassment, which is hard because I'm female and I look clueless. And I'm in my thirties...but getting older is good because I feel less vulnerable. So maybe I'll figure out how to get somewhere with someone and feel like I'm part of it. That's what I'm hoping will happen.



SapphoWoman
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08 Dec 2007, 4:43 pm

Icarus_Falling wrote:
"Give up"? :? What sort of defeatist mumbo jumbo question is that? I'm 34, in my prime, with a great deal to offer; I've hardly even begun; I do not give up easily.

I don't need to "try" to attract women; I simply need to be myself, and meet the right types of women; that is the challenge; not attracting, but finding. With the right woman, there is no trying involved; I simply need to find her, and things will work themselves out.

Where is she? Who is she? I do not know; that is yet for me to discover. I am resilient; and I have faith; things will work themselves out for the best; either I find her, or I do not; whatever happens is the right course for things, and I will not worry over it.

But I hope I do find her; it would be a great waste for me to live out my days alone, for I have much to share...


I am going to use your words for inspiration! :D Thanks!



Mw99
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08 Dec 2007, 5:17 pm

"Why are all the good-looking guys gay?"

A rhetorical question a female classmate raised to another female classmate, right in front of me, right after I failed to identify one of her advances (I think).



Last edited by Mw99 on 08 Dec 2007, 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SamW
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08 Dec 2007, 5:28 pm

I've never been in to the whole attracting thing, but that's 'cos I have a preeeeeetty low opinion of myself. And you have to feel attractive in yourself to attract other people, and all that stuff.



pbcoll
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08 Dec 2007, 5:35 pm

Mw99 wrote:
"Why are all the good-looking guys gay?"

A rhetorical question a female classmate raised to another female classmate, right in front of me, right after I failed to identify one of her advances (I think).


Yes, the usual NT assumption that if you don't respond when they think a girl is hitting on you, then you must be gay. That you might not have realised, or that you may not be attracted to that particular girl does not seem to occur to them.


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SamW
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08 Dec 2007, 5:41 pm

pbcoll wrote:
Mw99 wrote:
"Why are all the good-looking guys gay?"

A rhetorical question a female classmate raised to another female classmate, right in front of me, right after I failed to identify one of her advances (I think).


Yes, the usual NT assumption that if you don't respond when they think a girl is hitting on you, then you must be gay. That you might not have realised, or that you may not be attracted to that particular girl does not seem to occur to them.


As a girl myself, I can vouch for that.... Well, I've never done the assuming thing myself, it's just cruel, but all the other girls (who weren't so much friends, as people I hung around with for the sake of it) would always do things like that, and I always hated them for it...



Mw99
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08 Dec 2007, 6:16 pm

pbcoll wrote:
Mw99 wrote:
"Why are all the good-looking guys gay?"

A rhetorical question a female classmate raised to another female classmate, right in front of me, right after I failed to identify one of her advances (I think).


Yes, the usual NT assumption that if you don't respond when they think a girl is hitting on you, then you must be gay. That you might not have realised, or that you may not be attracted to that particular girl does not seem to occur to them.



The possibility that I did not find them attractive apparently never crossed their minds, but at least those girls had high self-esteem.



loudmouth
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08 Dec 2007, 7:36 pm

as others have posted I've never gave up because i never started i just gave an effort whne I liked a woman enough. Altough i'm starting to notice those women lookign at me I kept heatign about recently, as far as any flirting I Still have yet to notice one way or the other.