Hope and Healing in The Forum

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To everyone who's been or is being bullied, I offer you my sympathy, support and friendship. Rest in the hope that nobody on earth has been made like you, and nobody on this earth, past or present, can walk the path you walk. You're awesome!

I feel depressed every day of my life. Only thing that lifts the feeling is being in places like this ... and people like YOU.

Thank you!

I realized the best thibg fr me or how I am , is to close off completely n only maintain a formal friendliness. I can never have friends or be near ppl without being hurt or hurting them. Bullies findme wherever i go and regular ppl seem to find me offensive no matter what
Some ppl are best off asloners and there is no doubt that i am and always was such a person. So life developed on my own is best -

And the most peaceful way - as good as it will get anyway fr me/

lonely but at least no worrying about mistakes being manipulated or whatnot.

Does it matter if:
everyone thinks my hobbies make me a weirdo,
I can never confess to anyone who I like,
the threads on here where I try to do so get taken over by people with weird stereotypes which have nothing to do with what I'm worrying about,
I have never lived anywhere where the majority team wasn't English or Rangers,
I don't know my gender,
I don't know if I'm a good person or not,
I don't know my mental age,
I cry like a girl and whatever I am I'm not a feminine girl,
I just deleted an eg of how I asked for trouble once,
I'm a traitor,
I can't write about anything which isn't weird and I'm a writer
everyone ignores me on this,
I can't read social situations,
I think people are nice but they're not,
I've been thinking about this for hours

I could go on but you get the point about what a bad person I am.

I’m not like that. I get what you’re saying.

I understand writers very well. I am one myself.

Yeah I don't mean you. And someone else reassured me before the thread got changed.

I figured out what happened today, I didn't take my meds and I have social anxiety and one of the things about my social anxiety is it makes me feel like a bad person whenever anyone reacts negatively to me. I'm so scared of hurting anyone.

Like I told you before and like you were sympathetic about, I was hurt a lot at 12-14. I can't get over that stuff. I won't tell anyone the whole story of what went on back then.

If I had made better life choices things would have turned out differently but I'm too masculine to say that, my choices were ones which make no sense to most people in the world as to why they were the wrong ones.

Then when I explain it people say 'well it's a choice to (admit you) like that team'. I have so much invested in it and they're the team who were founded to help immigrants, the team which is raising money all the time for the starving, the team that attracts leftie types who are anti war and/or anti imperialism. I actually love them. They have some bad history, I admit it hundreds don't, but so do a lot of English clubs that people support without a second thought about it because the English rivalries aren't as intense so people know when to quit the 'banter'.

If you want to know what my highbrow interests are:

I fell in love when I went to Florence. The guys who put the stuff together must have been aspie or something. It's most of the art and most things there are artistic. There's frescos on every ceiling, there's beautiful floors, every door is decorated, and this is before we get to the art and statues.

I'm also consumed by The Cave and the whole story of it, it's the scariest thing I can think of - to think your world is real and find out it isn't.

And I'm obsessed with Greek myth especially companionship Greek myth and war stories. But I can't write about them because everyone has done forever. It's the ultimate cliché.

I write about things like football rivalry, or your national footballer Timothy Weah and how he shows that nationality is complicated for some people, or crushes I have. And yes, I write about my past. I don't always write about football but I do a lot.

See, my interests are weird.

Oh yeah and to complete the stereotype? I don't want RIRA to come back and blow things up like they've started to, but I'm a Republican/Nationalist in a pacifist sense and want a United Ireland. I've always lived in Unionist areas, (I grew up in a place obsessed with this and a lot of the arguments were offensive) often in places which were anti immigration (my own anti immigration comes in in unusual places, it's anti globalised gentrification, if someone's fleeing being persecuted or just moving to a place of similar wealth to their own or coming as one individual or to help I don't mind. When the Celtic Tiger was ending and the rich French and English were all over a town in Cork I was on holiday in and nobody Irish could afford a house there, that bothered me).

If I say I want United Ireland they think I'm a terrorist sympathiser but I'm a pacifist.

I'm avoiding Brexit cos it will bother me way too much and I feel like the border is inevitable and the violence is inevitable.

Politics is too big for me to handle which is why I avoid it these days. Nothing I can do.

And all the guy said today was 'hmph' after asking what team I supported. For all I know, he was going to say that whatever the answer was.

I need to remember/internalise that not everyone is like the people I grew up around.

I feel vulnerable writing all this but it is in the healing thread so hopefully I'm not exposing too much. And I don't get why I cry over this stuff.

Thanks for sharing, this helped out quite a bit today.

That's true they can tell you are different from them straight away. If I just vocalize my need for eating alone etc they seem to understand. Not my mom because she was just v harsh and controlling that everyone has to be one exact way but even she has mellowed now. I just think them knowing you don't mean to offend goes a long way towards bridging the gap.

They also have to be good people for that to happen so your weirdness or differences will inadvertently cause bad people to resent if you are accommodated and understood so that's the only thing to watch out for.

This topic attracts me. I just had on my mind "if I can't find what I need, I have to create it myself".
And then I found this thread.

I notice that my nervous system is constantly looking for feeling safe among people. Also in here. It makes it hard for me to follow communication and I often compare myself, feel numb, muted, worthless and as if I wouldn't even exist.
But what really lifts me up is healing, love, freedom and ways to really experience them.

I tried my entire life to lift other people up because I felt that it was needed, worth it, wanted, expected...pure codependency.

So now it's time for myself. For the things that make me happy, connect me with myself.
I'm not born to serve everyone except myself. Doesn't work out anyway.

That's maybe the only thing I really have to say and contribute right now.
Holding on to the light is so easily obscured and belittled. Internally, externally.

I wish there was a healing wand and a pair of angel hands to help me heal.

.. It's almost 10 years since my official diagnosis.
I've started at age 14, when I had first had the guts to try and search what aspergers and autism means.

I've been in so many stages.
I've been...

A denier, a curebie, an envious child, an angry child, closed off and exclusive, staggeringly guilty, gave out all the blame and shame, been selective and conditional, had deluded and tricked myself into believing I've truly accepted when it isn't. Been through phases of arrogance and pride, of fear and anger, the depression the anxiety, the distrust and hatred...
The seperation preferences, the exclusions and self-exclusions -- then I've been inclusive, self-respecting, being aware and open, all encompassing, self-forgiving and self-loving, the realizations, of unconditional acceptance. I've read facts and info, seen evidences, debunked myths, seen stories both personal and secondhand, the scientific and unscientific, the nonmedical ways...
Had my theories, seen other else's, supported and fought in my own ways. The intellect, the body, the experiences, the emotionality, the mind, the compulsions, the inclinations and personalities, the circumstances, the spirituality... The cultures, the ways of the world both big and small.

As an insider, I had a glimpse and a taste of those who had studied, been a client of, had seen clients themselves, had known parents and the professionals and both -- the well meaning, the misguided, the malicious, the clueless...

There's still so much corners to explore, as a nonprofessional, non parent/non caretaker... Yet I'm moving on past all this.


I'm only 24.
I know one will never had enough knowledge, but am I moving too fast?

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I think this discussion has so much to give to all Aspergers and Autistics!
Being open and honest, letting others see one’s experiences helps so much when someone is bewildered or overwhelmed!
Thank you so much for letting us in!

We have all been suppressed,oppressed and suffered at the hands of the oppressors.

Don't despair.

Love & Light is here.

Has anyone her experienced panic attacks?
Short version; they are EXACTLY like a heart attack, I’ve wound up in the E.R. More than once.
However, it is not your heart.
It is your emotions, your stress, you are panicking and do not know why.
Seems like I am heading for that again; I am dreading going through that.

I just now came across the following, on Twitter, by someone named Jeanette Yoffe: