Wanting to get back to work but very afraid

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Well here goes I am 30 years old now and I have only ever had about 3 jobs which altogether have lasted for a grand total of around a year, yes an amazing year. Before you start to burn up in anger at how lazy and pathetic I am please listen to more of what I have got to say.

Ok well I believe that I feel that for all the enthusiasm to go out and earn a living something beyond my understanding as prevented me from obtaining work easily or functioning in a job with ease. Call it fate or whatever, I just think it is that I don't have a personality that people can get along with or understand. I used to get treated like a freak in the jobs I have had and again for reasons I can not understand.

Any how I do feel wrong for never having worked much and I have always wanted to lead a productive life. I have been self taught in lots of creative things from computer graphics, web design, digital video & photography, photographic manipulation, graphic design, illustration, animation, digital and traditional painting and much more and yet with all that knowledge I still feel afraid and never good enough to work. I have also in the past tried to work for myself in which I would struggle to sell myself and to provide a business attitude.

So most of you could say I have had it I suppose.

I was kinda torn between the last 2 options in your poll, although neither of them seemed quite perfect.

Unfortunately I've never had the option or opportunity to not work for anything longer than the period of time between when my last boss fired me and the next time I convinced someone new to hire me. My folks at least on my father's side have always been *loaded*, and have always refused to help in any way. Granted that I wasn't aware of the fact that I'm probably autistic until the latter part of this year, so I never had any explanation for the job loss other than knowing that it was always political. I can't stay with any of my family members for various reasons, ranging from an inability to deal with my mother's neurosis now that I know she abused me physically growing up (and that it subconsciously alters my behavior when I'm around her) to the fact that even if I didn't know my father has a violent temper, he probably wouldn't let me stay with him.

Having said all that, no I don't think you're just lazy. I've been an extreme workaholic for the last 7 yrs since my ex-wife kicked me out and it hasn't really helped me much. I go to the office, I work my 8 hrs, I come home and I work another 5+hrs nearly every day, plus 8+hr days on the weekends on my own projects in the hopes that they might eventually return a small profit. They haven't, but I keep at it, largely because I know now more than ever that I can't rely on a day job.

Now that I have a day job that finally is paying me on the extreme low end of what Salary.com says I should be earning (for years I was well below the lowest amount Salary.com reported for people with my experience), I'm hoping that I might be able to pay some other folks for a little bit of help with my latest software project and finally get it into a marketable state. It's been in a perpetual state of being "almost marketable" for a long time. If you're able to work with HTML, JavaScript, SQL and ColdFusion (and possibly some XSL) and willing to accept probably a fairly low rate for "entry-level" work, let me know. I realize you're in the UK, so just email me at [email protected] if you're interested.

Nebula, you're being far too hard on yourself. I agree with Ike in saying that none of your options really apply. First and foremost, you have to stop beating yourself up.

You may not have found your niche yet, but that doesn't mean you never will. By the sounds of things you are neither lazy nor a bad person. You do sound incredibly sensitive and seem to have a low opinion of yourself, which seems unjustified considering the various talents in art and design you've mentioned.

You can rest assured that no one is negatively judging you. Everyone here has their own cross to bear, and we're here to support you.

Hi Nebula,

I understand how you feel. I am 37 and I too have struggled with employment. I don't think you are a bad lazy person at all. Some people would say that I am bad and lazy because I work part-time and receive disability payments as well. I think it's admirable that you have spent your time learning things instead of just vegging out in front of the t.v. doing nothing. I noticed your location is the U.K. Is there any kind of government program to help people with disabilities find work? Can you get any kind of disability payments from the government? I too want to work and feel productive, but at the moment I need the disability payments in order to survive. Here in the U.S. it is legal to work up to a certain amount of money and still keep the disability payments and medical benefits. I cried when I was approved for disability because I didn't really want to get disability. A person't worth does not come from their job, but I do understand the frustration of wanting to work full time and be self-sufficient. I also understand what you mean about being treated like a freak. People are nice where I work but I still always feel like an outsider. Hugs to you Nebula (or, if you don't like hugs, then I'm sending good thoughts your way). .

Just wanted to add that -- I'm not trying to "compete" or make you feel bad by describing my own situation... my intent really was just to point out that things don't always go as planned and working hard doesn't always equate to steady or reliable paychecks. I agree with the others, you do seem to have initiative for having taken the time to learn the graphics tools, etc. and that's admirable and indicates your desire to be productive. So there really should be a niche for you to work if that's what you want. Although I personally have no objections to people not wanting paying jobs if their situation allows them to do other things with their time. A person's worth really isn't measured by their income.

I understand you, many times I feel pathetic. that's because I compare myself to others, to those who have jobs.
I have tried many jobs and lost them. Most of the time it's been very hard to be hired, no mater how hard I try.
I don't have a job now, but that doesn't mean that I don't work. I also spend time doing photos.
I have come to realize that there's no career for me and that I was born different for a reason,
that I don't know it yet.
I can't really offer you any advice (career wise) I'm on the same train
maybe you should show us your photo-work

From my experience, having worked off-and-on (and sometimes off for long periods of time), it's worth it to keep on trying to find a job that you don't hate/suck at. I'm 37 and a year ago I found one I love (in the design field I'm trained in no less!) and I'm so happy I didn't give up looking forever. There are rough days (today being one of them ) but I feel I am contributing to the world, and it forces me to get out of my house and interact with people, but not have to interact too much. And I'm about to move into my own apartment again which feels absolutely great - ah, independence!

Anyway, I was really, really, really hard on myself for a while, thinking no one would ever hire me with such giant gaping holes in my resume, but I'm a firm believer in things coming your way when you're actually ready for them and that's what happened.

I'm concerned about the number of people choosing the last option, "There's more to life than work."

As much as that statement is definitely true, it doesn't apply here since he's only worked one year out of 30. Part time is one thing, but that's not even a few hours a week.

I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, I'm hoping that maybe I can encourage you to try something different. I think most of us have felt that treatment you've been getting... being an oddball wherever you go. We all have to learn to live with that, learn some tricks to help us cope as well as bond with others, and learn to go on with our lives.

It's our duty to contribute to society somehow... if a typical "job" isn't for you, perhaps there's some helpful organizations or charities you could assist? You might be able to use your talents to help others somehow, and totally on your own terms!

Plus, it'll get you out there with people. That's important. It's something I have to force myself to do as well sometimes.

I have similar interests and found that pre-press at a large printing company was a good choice. Mostly it is just putting right the artwork that gets sent, so it is fairly methodical. If you can get the night shift you won't have to worry about client interaction, or interference from the sales team.

It works for me - admittedly I'm on days at the moment but I'm pretty high functioning so can get by, but I will be swapping over to permanent nights in the New Year (less interaction with the department manager, whom I regard as an utter *******).

On about £24k with the shift allowance, which is around $48k at the current exchange rate.

I also had to give a medical disclosure prior to starting work, so me being an Aspie didn't faze them.

I have the same problem. A company in a nearby town wants to set up an interview with me next week, and I'm trying my best to not blow it sky-high. I know it may be the last chance I'll get to go back to what I love doing, so I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. Should I try or should I just give up and look for a new career? So I'm trying, knowing I may have to look for something else, anyway. I may not interview as well as someone else and not get the job, also a stressor. It's taking a lot for me to not just give up.

It's a change that makes anyone nervous, with or without autism. You don't sound lazy to me. You sound like you could use workplace skills advice. I'm working with the Indiana Vocational/Rehabilitation department to find a job. They signed me up with a local vocational counseling group to help me find and keep the next job. Do you have something like in your area? Could help you get a better start next time around. Fingers crossed for you.