Do NT/AS relationships fair better then AS/AS relationships?

Page 1 of 3 [ 46 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

ProtossX
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 257
Location: USA, IL.

21 Dec 2007, 1:31 pm

I've only ever met a couple of AS people in my life and all of them were guys so far.
So I've yet to even come across a female AS.

but anyway heres my feeling's on this from my limited experiences.

When I get the courage to even ask a girl out its basically means I probably have a semi good idea that she atleast likes being around me because at that point she has talked to me atleast a few times already and so I've known her for awhile (not a big risk taker)

I have so many problems keeping a conversation flowing especially like basic SMALL talk and stuff you do when your out like at a dinner or whatever that I kinda enjoy when a girl is doing most of the talking it just comforts me an lets me pretend to blend in better

I dont care really what it is about usually as long as it takes away from my anxiety that I have usually to even say pretty much anything stupid, I usually just try to fit in best I can with the conversation but I like her to lead it usually.

So far all of my relationships have failed due to communication problems and stuff yeah usually ends with her telling me its over after awhile and blah blah blah I wasn't the typical NT etc etc an that point she makes rude faces at me everytime im around her

So whats your input on this is it better to pursue someone more on my wave length and risk have a socially awkward relationship? or should I just keep trying to find a NT who can understand me a bit better?

I feel AS person may understand me better obviously i feel a date with a AS person would be incredibly difficult since I would still be unable to initiate anything at all.

I'm curious if anyone has an AS/AS relationship or somethin like that an it works alot better then dating the vast amount of NT's out there?



Last edited by ProtossX on 21 Dec 2007, 1:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

21 Dec 2007, 1:51 pm

What's an AP?



ProtossX
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 257
Location: USA, IL.

21 Dec 2007, 1:55 pm

srry I meant AS ones not I was just got mixed up writin the post for aspergers ill fix it right now



woodsman25
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: NY

21 Dec 2007, 3:41 pm

Statistics show that AS/NT relationships fail more often then NT/NT, thats all I know.


_________________
DX'ed with HFA as a child. However this was in 1987 and I am certain had I been DX'ed a few years later I would have been DX'ed with AS instead.


Age1600
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,028
Location: New Jersey

21 Dec 2007, 4:13 pm

woodsman25 wrote:
Statistics show that AS/NT relationships fail more often then NT/NT, thats all I know.


Really? that stinks, i always wondered if dating an AS person would be better then dating somebody whos NT. I know my nt bf is very strong when it comes to patience, and when it comes to me, patience is the key ingrediant to being with me haha.


_________________
Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated :wall:


mmaestro
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 522
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA

21 Dec 2007, 4:50 pm

woodsman25 wrote:
Statistics show that AS/NT relationships fail more often then NT/NT, thats all I know.

What statistics? Do you have a link?
I tend to be dubious of any of these sorts of numbers because of the relatively low number of aspergians diagnosed - you'd tend to assume that those who are diagnosed are having more problems, and therefore the ones who aren't having problems are likely also the ones undiagnosed, and therefore not taken into account by any statistical gathering.

Anyway, in answer to the OP's question, I think trying to find any rules or guidelines to follow is probably a mistake. All relationships are unique, and pose their own challenges. While knowing whether AS/AS or AS/NT relationships are more successful might be an interesting academic exercise, I think that trying to judge and form individual relationships you have based on your own preferences and those relationships' merits would be more productive for you. If you can figure out what's going wrong, and why, in previous relationships you may also have more success in working out the later ones. FWIW, I was well into my 20s before I had a relationship I'd consider healthy and equitable. It takes a long time to find the right one, for everyone, not just aspergians.


_________________
"You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd"
-Captain Sheridan, Babylon 5

Music of the Moment: Radiohead - In Rainbows


Ozzy
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 153
Location: Portland, Oregon

21 Dec 2007, 4:52 pm

Age1600 wrote:
woodsman25 wrote:
Statistics show that AS/NT relationships fail more often then NT/NT, thats all I know.


Really? that stinks, i always wondered if dating an AS person would be better then dating somebody whos NT. I know my nt bf is very strong when it comes to patience, and when it comes to me, patience is the key ingrediant to being with me haha.


Haha. Oh yeah, I can relate.

I've heard AS/AS relationships are a lot of work, but I also would think there is an advantage. Takes one to know one, kinda thing. I think it would be a great experience. Both parties would have to be aware of their difficulties, and be willing to improve upon them. Just like any other relationship.

I am also interested to hear how they can be successful. : )

-Ozzy



22 Dec 2007, 4:40 am

I think AS/AS relationships are harder than AS/NT ones and NT/NT ones because what if both of them were inflexible, they might not be willing to give in on each other, what if both of them are literal, I think there is different kinds if literalness, there be tons of misunderstandings and miscommunication, and the aspies might think each of them don't care for each other because they aren't picking up on each other's emotions or cues. Each of them might not express themselves like not know how to show their emotions so it drive each other crazy because it feels like their partner has no feelings.
And what about lack of empathy, each of them might hurt each others feelings and not really care because they don't understand what they said wrong or know how to handle their partner's emotions so they appear cold. And what if they both needed lists and schedules. One aspie plans to go somewhere and the other aspie doesn't know when they are going to leave so the aspie is anxious so he keeps bugging his aspie gf "Are we going yet?" "Can we go yet?" and the wife does the same thing to her aspie bf when she makes plans because they don't know when they are leaving and they can't calm down until they know the time so they would know what to do in their routine. My last boyfriend never had a time limit of when we were leaving and it drove me crazy so I acted like a Jeff. I didn't know when to expect it. We were both on the spectrum and it didn't work out between us. My traits embarrassed him and me. There were other problems too which I won't go there.



woodsman25
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: NY

22 Dec 2007, 5:44 am

mmaestro wrote:
woodsman25 wrote:
Statistics show that AS/NT relationships fail more often then NT/NT, thats all I know.

What statistics? Do you have a link?
I tend to be dubious of any of these sorts of numbers because of the relatively low number of aspergians diagnosed - you'd tend to assume that those who are diagnosed are having more problems, and therefore the ones who aren't having problems are likely also the ones undiagnosed, and therefore not taken into account by any statistical gathering.

Anyway, in answer to the OP's question, I think trying to find any rules or guidelines to follow is probably a mistake. All relationships are unique, and pose their own challenges. While knowing whether AS/AS or AS/NT relationships are more successful might be an interesting academic exercise, I think that trying to judge and form individual relationships you have based on your own preferences and those relationships' merits would be more productive for you. If you can figure out what's going wrong, and why, in previous relationships you may also have more success in working out the later ones. FWIW, I was well into my 20s before I had a relationship I'd consider healthy and equitable. It takes a long time to find the right one, for everyone, not just aspergians.


No i dont have a link, I just remember reading it somewhere and it looked like a credible statistic just like marrages (NT/NT) were around 50% failure rate at least in the US.

Obviously the AS/NT stats are flawed of course, I read it somewhere and quite possibly on here, and tend to beleive it. I suppose since the statisitcs are flawed and I dont have a source I guess everyone should just form their own opinions based on their expereinces in life and what they see or read from others.


_________________
DX'ed with HFA as a child. However this was in 1987 and I am certain had I been DX'ed a few years later I would have been DX'ed with AS instead.


Darling
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 72
Location: England

22 Dec 2007, 1:02 pm

i'd like an NT actually :roll: maybe i'm discriminating aspies [lol] because i've never met any yet except myself, but i'd hate to have someone very similar to me. i'd like an NT who can understand me and knows all about aspies. thank goodness not all NTs like to talk a lot. but i always welcome good sense of humour =P


_________________
Haven regular.


samtoo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753
Location: England

22 Dec 2007, 1:23 pm

NT's seem to just choke the life out of me. I don't want one. 8O


_________________
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.


Ozzy
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 153
Location: Portland, Oregon

22 Dec 2007, 4:36 pm

My old sociology tb, can't find it at the moment, gives stats on all marriages. The divorce rate is 50% 1st marriage, 75% 2nd marriage, and 95% 3rd. Note to self: I must think before "I do." :wink:

Sorry, I strayed from the topic.

-Ozzy



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 42,094
Location: Houston, Texas

28 Dec 2007, 2:37 pm

Many NTs are lying cheaters, so I am for AS/AS relationships.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


fivecents
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2007
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 362
Location: NJ

28 Dec 2007, 6:42 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
I think AS/AS relationships are harder than AS/NT ones and NT/NT ones because what if both of them were inflexible, they might not be willing to give in on each other, what if both of them are literal, I think there is different kinds if literalness, there be tons of misunderstandings and miscommunication, and the aspies might think each of them don't care for each other because they aren't picking up on each other's emotions or cues. Each of them might not express themselves like not know how to show their emotions so it drive each other crazy because it feels like their partner has no feelings.
And what about lack of empathy, each of them might hurt each others feelings and not really care because they don't understand what they said wrong or know how to handle their partner's emotions so they appear cold. And what if they both needed lists and schedules. One aspie plans to go somewhere and the other aspie doesn't know when they are going to leave so the aspie is anxious so he keeps bugging his aspie gf "Are we going yet?" "Can we go yet?" and the wife does the same thing to her aspie bf when she makes plans because they don't know when they are leaving and they can't calm down until they know the time so they would know what to do in their routine. My last boyfriend never had a time limit of when we were leaving and it drove me crazy so I acted like a Jeff. I didn't know when to expect it. We were both on the spectrum and it didn't work out between us. My traits embarrassed him and me. There were other problems too which I won't go there.


I agree one needs to be flexable or both will drive each other crazy. I am flexible, therefore our AS/NT works. It takes two, and he does a lot of work with tolerance, I do a lot of work with flexibility. We may be the exception to the rule, but WP has really helped me understand neurodiversity in a very good way. His attributes far outweigh his stringent ways.

I also agree with Tim_Tex, NTs are lying cheaters. Better to be with an upfront AS. I have not personally been cheated on, but I feel much better with my AS bf because he is opened to his fantasies and wants and needs. It helps me understand his needs. Most NTs don’t listen, they just roll over people. IF I ask him if a pair of jeans make my butt look big, he will tell me my butt has gottem bigger and I better start running again. An NT would lie and say I look great and go f another girl.


_________________
Dogs Drool, Cats RULE!! !


Kitsy
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,015

28 Dec 2007, 6:58 pm

Not all aspies have the same difficulties. If you find someone to balance it out, it can work. There are positive and negatives with both.

If you come across a NT who can't accept you for you and thinks you should conform to their ways and thinks you just aren't trying hard enough, that's not good.

If you come across a NT who can accept you and is patient, that is good but you can't expect the NT to fully get you just like you can't expect the NT to think you should completely get the NT.

If you come across an aspie who has all of the same problems that you have and the two of you have conflicts over it, the two of you upset and bother each other and there is a communication problem, that isn't good.

If you come across an aspie that has some of the same issues as you do but is understanding and you in return are understanding and you both help out each other in the process, that is complimentary and good.

The same goes for NT and NT relationships. Alot of times people try to find others with common ground, someone to relate to. NT's do it, aspies do it too. A Mutual understanding and a bond is what keeps it all worth while for the long run.


_________________
I am the DAN Monster. I have your child. You owe me twenty five thousand dollars.

xx Dan Monster


braveheartlion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 28

29 Dec 2007, 3:40 am

I think earlier diagnoses for people would help Aspies to know what they're working with so that they know what their weaknesses are and have the tools to counteract them.