For all of us....guidelines

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I would like to share this 'list' for all of you. First, I shall not violate any copyright laws; the list of 10 'rules' is directly from the book, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Barron (both autistic - amazing and inspirational individuals). The folowing list is quoted from page 119 of this book. I thought I would share. Please note: I added my interpretations after each numbered rule.


1) Rules are not absolute. They are situation-based and people-based.

{For me, this is hard since there is seemingly no logical pattern to social interaction; that is, each interaction is unique}

2) Not everything is equally important in the grand scheme of things.

3) Everyone in the world makes mistakes. It doesn't have to ruin your day.

{For me, I am so conscientious, to a fault! I struggle with confidence so if I feel my performance is not optimal, I feel.....sick. I need to remember point 3! Not only, "don't let it ruin your day," but don't let it ruin your life! I am so hard on myself. Plus, being autistic, there are simply things I cannot 'fix' about my way of being.}

4) Honesty is different from diplomacy.

{I am honest to a fault. I do care about others (and have empathy) but I think it's important to note that many NTs do NOT care so much about the truth, but instead just 'saying the right answer.'}

5) Being polite is appropriate in every situation.

{For me, this is straightforward; I am well-mannered. However, I am shy. I am told, others can misinterpret my shyness as being offish - not my intent.}

6) Not everyone who is nice to me is my friend.

{This one is hard for me. Again, I am honest. I interpret literally. If one is kind to me, I simply cannot conceive another may have ulterior motives. But they sometimes do. Some 'nice people' are not good people (!) and have no real substance to them, except perhaps the ability to be manipulative and/or be superficially charming.}

7) People act differently in public than in private.

{I need to realize that one who behaves nicely in a given sitatuation (such as in a profession capacity) may be a really different person in another situation. I believe, for a an autistic/Aspie, this duality exhibited by NTs can be tough to realize.}

Know when you're turning people off.

{Yes, sometimes hard. NTs can give you a superficial smile, nod, etc. but be thinking something quite different! I cannot 'read' another.}

9) 'Fitting in' is often tied to looking and sounding like you fit in.

{I had considered this....maybe 'phony?' But, I think the message is to be cognizant of surroundings and expectations, then adapting appropriately.}

10) People are responsible for their own behaviors.

{For me, this one is major. I take everything personally (if the 'offender' is one who is influential), so I invariably feel HURT when another is behaving badly! I need to remember, it's not my fault is another is being mean.}


Thank you Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. For all of us, WrongPlanet members, do you have your own interpretations of these 'rules?' Thoughts? I think I'll print these and post them on my wall!
Happy 2008!

Please note: I write (# eight) but the formatting, for whatever reasons, shows this is shown as a emoticon - NOT my intent! Please disregard this emoticon.

Thanks for posting these. I hadn't seen them before. It's all laid out very succinctly. Very helpful!

Thanks labpet

and btw... when you want to use the numeral 8 and the symbol ) together and not get an emoticon, just put a space between the 8 and the )

=emoticon
8 )= number 8

Man that number seven and number eight . . . .
I just keep going on backpacking trips in obscure countries and hope I'll find a culture I now only dream of.

Daniel's rule to socializing [for Daniel]:

Don't bother
-the great majority of people aren't worth knowing
-the great majority of people won't appreciate the godforsaken effort you go to to interact how they want you to (what's this thing about building one's own side of the bridge? No one has heard of it apparently)
-the great majority of people aren't nice people
-they lie far too much and far too well (this instills doubt)
-none of them will be there for you when they're needed; no matter that you've been there for them in the past
-they'll make fun of your eccentricities in the name of "friendly ribbing" (it doesn't feel "friendly")
-most of them can give it, but they then cry havoc when you give it back equally
-they're bound to [social] conventions that I'll never completely understand no matter how much I observe them; I'm bound to none, two different...worlds

Thanks Labpet. They are helpful, especially 3, about everyone making mistakes. I still remember things I said or did that I thought were slightly off twenty years ago and they still make me cringe - I think that's why I say as little as possible. If I weren't so hard on myself I'd get more done I bet.

for me 6 is also hard

Actually, Daniel, after too many decades of painful, expensive experience I think your rules are more accurate and more useful.

7-9 are too hard for me but I can see the sense in the other "rules".

To me, the hardest part to understand must be number six. I just don't seem to properly realize it, no matter how hard I try. Number three is also hard.

Last edited by Keoren on 28 Dec 2007, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I actually disagree greatly with Daniel's rules. A few of them are very true, yes... like that the great majority of people aren't worth knowing. But a lot of those rules are ridiculous examples of pessimism. I'm sorry if you haven't had a friend loyal enough to be there for you... I'm not trying to be patronizing, I really mean it - I have gone long stretches without such friends and it is painful. But there ARE people out there, not many, but a few, who will be there for you when you need them. It can take a lifetime to find one or two of them, but don't give up hope of finding them, because if you don't believe that it's possible, it will never happen.

As for the original post, those are fantastic rules... really great things to think about. Thanks a lot for posting and commenting on them.

My biggest difficulty is the amount of lying and deceit, which is considered normal and acceptable, among NTs. That is why I largely avoid people. Their lies piss me off and my honesty pisses them off.

Amanda's rules to socializing [for Amanda]:

Rule #1: Don't bother
-the great majority of people aren't worth knowing
-the great majority of people won't appreciate the godforsaken effort you go to to interact how they want you to (what's this thing about building one's own side of the bridge? No one has heard of it apparently)
-the great majority of people aren't nice people
-they lie far too much and far too well (this instills doubt)
-they'll make fun of your eccentricities in the name of "friendly ribbing" (it doesn't feel "friendly")
-also, all the people that might be worth knowing, will hate you, misunderstand you, and be too broken themselves to give you a chance
-they will consider you not worth knowing and will tell you to go to hell
-they will not believe anyone's pain surpasses their own, regardless of whether they have experienced much pain or not

Rule #2: Do bother.
-reach out anyway, get your arms cut off, and bleed to death, then follow rule #1 until they grow back.
-repeat this cycle, either until all the way dead, or until something new happens, and you get half a bridge back.