Seriously, I swear I'm not a serial killer. Trust me.

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Living_in_Gin
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15 Jan 2008, 11:55 am

...But apparently I look like one.

We know that serial killers, rapists, stalkers, and other assorted psychos are all introverts with intense glares. How do we know this? Because that's how they're portrayed in movies, so it must be true. And if, like many Aspies, you happen to be an introvert with an intense glare, well, you must be a serial killer as well. The logic is flawless.

A great deal of my social interaction takes place online, where the written word is king. Less opportunity for misunderstanding and mixed signals. As such, I've had a number of online relationships, and as long as our primary means of communication is via email or instant messenger, I do just fine. I'm charming, witty, intelligent, and I'm usually able to express what's really on my mind.

Just look at me now. Impressed? Thought so.

The problem occurs when the relationship finally reaches the point where we're ready to meet each other for the first time face-to-face. Or worse yet, there never was an online relationship, and I'm meeting somebody for the first time at a party or other venue. Maybe it's my difficulty finding the right words, my lack of eye contact, or -- in compensating for my lack of eye contact -- my excessive eye contact. Or if there's something about her appearance that has caught my attention, such as her shapely legs or ample cleavage, I find my gaze spending too much time in that general direction, and then self-consciously begin counting spots on the floor, hoping that she didn't notice me checking her out while I was attempting to engage her in conversation.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the vast majority of my first dates never lead to second dates. Whenever I've gotten feedback from somebody -- either firsthand or secondhand -- the response is almost universal:

"You are a very awkward person."
"You don't seem comfortable in your own skin."
"You look like a serial killer."
(to mutual friends) "I think he's going to start stalking me."

As you can imagine, hearing all this does wonders for my self-confidence, and all but guarantees that I'll be even more of an awkward, nervous wreck during my next encounter... Usually several months or years down the road, which is about how long it takes to make another attempt or to even meet somebody worth the effort.

I hope I'm not the only one who has dealt with these problems. Have any of you faced similar issues? If so, how have you managed to overcome them? Somebody please tell me it's possible.

And for the record, I'm really not a serial killer. I swear.... Wait, where are you going?


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Phagocyte
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15 Jan 2008, 12:02 pm

"Ever heard someone say, 'Its the quiet ones you gotta watch?" If you walk in a bar and one guy is sitting there minding his own business reading a book, but the other guy is screaming 'I'M GONNA KILL THE NEXT SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT WALKS IN HERE', who are you going to watch?"

-George Carlin



Mark198423
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15 Jan 2008, 12:08 pm

Living_in_Gin wrote:
Maybe it's my difficulty finding the right words, my lack of eye contact, or -- in compensating for my lack of eye contact -- my excessive eye contact. Or if there's something about her appearance that has caught my attention, such as her shapely legs or ample cleavage, I find my gaze spending too much time in that general direction, and then self-consciously begin counting spots on the floor, hoping that she didn't notice me checking her out while I was attempting to engage her in conversation.


Got no cure for the finding of words - that's my BIG problem in the begining. I've ended up with girls dancing against me and have not even been able to say 1 word to her to initiate anything.

I do have a tip on the eye contact thing though. Rather than looking down or elsewhere when you think you've made enough/too much eye contact, change you gaze to another part of her face. Maybe eyes or nose, you'll still be looking into her face so appear attentive yet wouldn't have to cope with the uncomfortable eye contact constantly.



0_equals_true
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15 Jan 2008, 12:09 pm

Serial killers are often very convincing and charismatic.

I know what you mean but I think it is a bit silly. Maybe you are yet to meet somebody that likes you for your own personality and maybe when you do you will actually feel more comfortable too.

Anyway, dwelling on this going to do nothing for your confidence. I've gone do that route before wouldn't recommend it. I am more comfortable with my friend because I can relate to them more. So that is some evidence that I might find a romantic partner that is similar.

As to how not to appear tongue tied and nervous when you like somebody I'm not so good at that. Maybe somebody has some advice concerning that. There is lots of stuff concerning general social anxiety such as trying to be more spontaneous, occupying yourself right up to the point at which you have to leave, trying not to over think or predetermine the situation, meeting on neutral ground, looking for real life evidence rather that believing you own thoughts, etc.



Mark198423
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15 Jan 2008, 12:42 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
Serial killers are often very convincing and charismatic.


You met many?



0_equals_true
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15 Jan 2008, 12:54 pm

Mark198423 wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
Serial killers are often very convincing and charismatic.


You met many?

exactly



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15 Jan 2008, 1:04 pm

This image of serial killer as loners is only partly true. It is more true for spree killer. A spree killer is one that goes on the rampage and then kills themselves afterwards.

Some serial killers lead fairly normal life alongside killing, even have a wife and kid ands are sometimes able to carry out murders undetected for years.

It is quite possible for a serial killer to go years without killing, some of them only kill when something bad has happened in their life, which is different perception than movies give out.



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15 Jan 2008, 1:07 pm

I've noticed that people in general just assume anyone on the outside socially is demented somehow. I've gotten the serial killer rap before, or the guy who's gunna come in one day & shoot up the place.

Gotta learn to run with it though. Being defensive only makes you seem more uncomfortable & awkward. Next time someone tells you that you seem like a serial killer, laugh, and say "awww, scared you off already? and just after I cleared a place in my basement crawl space for you". Lighten up with this stuff.



SirJoseph
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15 Jan 2008, 1:29 pm

that last line will make girls laugh too, and realize theyre just being paranoid.


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15 Jan 2008, 2:09 pm

Many times those words have been spoken by true serial killers.



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15 Jan 2008, 2:31 pm

Serial killers are sociopaths (antisocial pd). Autism is different to that. They have a blankness about people too and that's where the comparisons come in. It's good to know a few basics about sociopaths generally, they do target vulnerable people like autistics.



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15 Jan 2008, 2:35 pm

There were no broadsheets in the staffroom a while back so I was forced to read the Sun. One of the articles was charmingly titled...

"NAIL BOMB NERD"

Now, the things that this guy had done were pretty horrific, I am not trying to excuse him. But the Sun article was purely about how he didn't have any friends and his neighbours didn't like him, as if there was something inherantly wrong with that, which made him an obvious candidate for sending nail bombs through the post. Yuck.

Firstly, I know this is hard but please don't let the stalker/serial killer comments get to you. The girls who said those things are clearly f*****g idiots. The trouble is that we all know that these things - especially rape - do go on, being careful is important for us and it's only natural for us to wonder about people we meet. But I always realise that I am being unfair and would never, ever dream of vocalising such thoughts. I think that's awful that girls have said that to you.

It is true that it's difficult to be around someone who is very awkward, because it makes you feel awkward as well. It is all the impetus most people need to start looking around for someone else to talk to :cry: I suffer from this too. I've tried to consolidate the few friendships I have with people I feel really, really comfortable with, and go to all parties/gigs/clubs with them by my side. I find I'm much better then.

Of course, you can hardly take a friend with you on a date. The only thing I can think of there is look for someone who is as shy as you and understands?



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15 Jan 2008, 5:30 pm

I was in a writing class once and the teacher was talking to some other students about a school shooting somewhere and this girl two seats in front of me turns around at looks right at me for about five seconds and then turns back. I wasn't going to just let that go and being a writing class it was pretty casual there so I said, loudly enough to get everyones attention, "What the hell was that?" I described in detail exactly what happened and we all had a good laugh. I can't remember what she actually said but she managed skirt the issue and not give an straight answer.



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15 Jan 2008, 7:09 pm

Living_in_Gin wrote:
...But apparently I look like one.

We know that serial killers, rapists, stalkers, and other assorted psychos are all introverts with intense glares. How do we know this? Because that's how they're portrayed in movies, so it must be true. And if, like many Aspies, you happen to be an introvert with an intense glare, well, you must be a serial killer as well. The logic is flawless.

I hope I'm not the only one who has dealt with these problems. Have any of you faced similar issues? If so, how have you managed to overcome them? Somebody please tell me it's possible.


You aren't the only one that has dealed with this.
I have dealed with this, even though it wasn't in a dating situation. When I was at high school, several people had this crazy idea that I killed my grandmother had hid her body under the floor boards of my house. It can't get ANY more rediculous than that!
Unfortunately, a lot of people decided to believe that this were true. I was getting bullied and harrassed, receiving death threats etc. I didn't manage to overcome this problem and eventually it led me to drop out of high school. All though, I probably could have dealt with it, I didn't have the energy for it anymore.

I have had male friends at one stage, which I lost because of this whole..."I act like a serial killer" thing. I wasn't dating them, but was good friends with them. What makes my situation more uncommon, is that I am a female...and not many females get accused of being a serial killer.

Since This is a different situation to yours, i'm not sure of the likely hood that this can be overcome...but I suppose like anything, it is possible.


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15 Jan 2008, 8:05 pm

Brittany2907 wrote:
When I was at high school, several people had this crazy idea that I killed my grandmother had hid her body under the floor boards of my house.


Whaaa?!

That is very possibly the strangest rumor I have ever heard. Almost as strange as the idea that anyone would believe it. :?


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16 Jan 2008, 12:24 am

Ok, no one is saying you act like one. You look like one. Either you are too perfectly manicured OR you are scruffy. Wash and cut your hair, shave, wash and press your clothing, and stand up straight. Oh, don’t forget to shower and brush your teeth. There. You have become common looking. Go Kill.

Seriously, I knew an AS guy a while ago, good looking but walked with a horrific bounce, always had his hands in his pockets (big body language no-no) and had a head of hair any woman would die for. Yup, saw him walking down the street one day and thought there was a serial killer on the loose and than saw it was him. Great guy, I didn’t care what he looked like. But, I thought…

Oh, please don’t tell me your head is shaved, you spend 8 hours a day getting buff but trim and have tattoos. You don’t carry a knife belt…

Also, if people are talking to you and telling you that you LOOK like a serial killer, remember they are comfortable enough to not only talk to you but tell you that, which means you are a good enough and likeable guy. Be who you are.

PS, can you send a picture so I can look for you on the post office wall???


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