Suicidal As A Child/Pre-Teen/Early Teen Years

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lastcrazyhorn
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24 Jan 2008, 8:38 pm

How many were and do you think someone should have noticed?

I was, especially around the age of 11/12 (and then later on as well, but that's another story). Not only did I start self-injuring in obvious ways (I would find myself writing my name in my arm with a pencil), but my school writings were really dark.

As in, I found one that I wrote for English class back in 6th grade the other day that scared me now. It was obvious what my major obsession at the time was (X-Files). I wrote about being an X-Files agent and getting gunned down and then telling about how my soul was doomed and how I ended up in hell . . . And all my teacher wrote on there was that my grammar was good and I was very creative?

Similar stories?


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Tim_Tex
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24 Jan 2008, 8:41 pm

I was like that during that time period. I still occasionally have those kinds of thoughts.


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Brittany2907
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24 Jan 2008, 9:15 pm

When I was 13-14 I went through a "phase" of depression and self harm.
I used to write morbid stories as well, all though they were mainly about me being in WW2, being a prisoner at war, surrounded by the rotten carcasses of other soldiers. Quite gruesome indeed.

I do think someone should have noticed...they didn't until I came close to death one day. All I can say is, thank goodness those days are over.


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Beenthere
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24 Jan 2008, 9:55 pm

When I was 13-14. I think the differences (between me and others) became more obvious then.

Being a teenager was not fun...but I think those years were the worst. 8O


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Soon
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24 Jan 2008, 9:57 pm

I though about it a few times in my life the teen and 20's.


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Berserker
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24 Jan 2008, 10:00 pm

I've never been suicidal.



Ana54
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24 Jan 2008, 10:16 pm

You remind me of me when I was 16. Depressed and anxious but not suicidal.



joku_muko
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24 Jan 2008, 10:16 pm

It was noticed.



jaydog
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24 Jan 2008, 10:20 pm

i never was suicidal, but i have thought about it...



886
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24 Jan 2008, 10:37 pm

You kidding me? In second grade on my autobiography I wrote "When I grow up I want to be dead" and I drew a picture of a dead person.



IdahoRose
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24 Jan 2008, 11:12 pm

I was suicidal between the ages of 14 and 16. My family knew it, and thanks to their compassion I never acted upon it.



SoccerFreak
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25 Jan 2008, 12:14 am

I've always been suicidal... ever since i was a little kid.

when I first realized I wasn't good as my sisters, when I was four I jumped off the deck.

When I was 8 I would cry "I WANT A BRAIN TRANSPLANT!" because everyone hated me and always made fun of me. I tried to kill myself by overdose.

When I was 9 I locked myself in the bathroom after receiving a C on a report card because It wasn't as good as my older sister's grades. My parents busted the door open before I could try another overdose attempt.

Recently I slashed my arms up for not being good enough, things weren't going the way I wanted to and It was my fault.


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lastcrazyhorn
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25 Jan 2008, 12:57 am

When I was a sophomore in college, 2nd semester, I would go to sleep every night envisioning different ways to kill myself. For me, then, it was the option of truly escaping an overwhelming situation (I was a music ed major in undergrad, and during that particular semester, I was in over my head for a variety of reasons . . . including the fact that I was taking 12 classes in one semester).


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BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
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25 Jan 2008, 3:16 am

Suicidal from around age 8, up until I was about 14. I first tried when I was eight, but I wasn't exactly good at knots and they came undone before they even could tighten. So, I considered myself a failure at that, and went for a good cry. Self-pity was always sitting on my shoulder. I tried again a few times, but I wasn't exactly the best planner in terms of my own death. I remember trying to overdose on Flintstones vitamins. It'd be funnier, if it weren't so sad. Killing myself was always lurking in the back of my mind for those years. I'm glad things have gotten better.

But that's the past, and I think I'm done dredging up these memories for tonight.


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Danielismyname
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25 Jan 2008, 3:47 am

Well, I've had suicidal ideation my whole life--depending on the environment it's louder or quieter; I guess I've been close to doing it before. I had a knife to my belly when I was four (Daniel the little samurai); I think I wanted to see what death was like, my mother [thankfully] found me in time. I've had some other moments....

I read something interesting the other day, in some circles, if a teenager/young-adult commits suicide, it's prudent to assume they had undiagnosed AS until proven otherwise (I guess it shows that social isolation/rejection can make one kill themselves, it makes sense).



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25 Jan 2008, 4:47 am

You're right, it does make sense...

You know, I told people all about how I was suicidal, but not why I was suicidal...

I felt cut off from everyone. No matter what I did, I couldn't form any meaningful relationships, and I was the main target for the bullies. I would watch them hitting me, I would curl up, and on the crowded playground, I would look for help. No one met my eyes when I looked at their faces, no one stood up and said anything. I was a central actor in a play of tragedy, and my audience didn't care what happened to me. I was alone. I had no friends beyond pets, no joy beyond the pages of a book, no contact with peers beyond the bullies and the ones who looked away.

It was a sad existence, and one I tried to end.

Then came my diagnosis. Finally, I knew that there was the answer to what I always asked myself, "What's wrong with me?" I didn't understand everything, but I knew that it wasn't my fault that bad things happened to me. It was because I had AS that I wasn't normal, that I had problems, that I couldn't make any connections. After blaming everything on this Aspergers thing, I promptly thought everything was solved.

After a few more attempts, it became clear it wasn't. I wondered how I could improve my situation, and then I was struck by inspiration. I looked up AS, I read information my mom gathered, and I set out on my grand project; Make myself work. That was late Grade Six, about when I was twelve. By the end of middle school, I'd made a couple of friends, improved my grades a little, and no longer stood out so badly. Bullying stopped altogether.

Since then, things have been better. Right now, I'm pretty depressed, but in a while, I'll be back to my normal happy self.


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