Suicidal As A Child/Pre-Teen/Early Teen Years

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ShadesOfMe
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25 Jan 2008, 5:14 am

I did get very depressed around 13. I went through the Peter Pan/wendy phase, of never wanting to grow up, and I'd cry on my bed about it. I was and am very depressed. (it's reigned in now some because of meds and OWA) when I have had some extreme meltdowns I've self harmed using an inkless pen. It became a sort of obsession,(for most of ninth grade, so two years ago.) having to use the same pen, calling it my "lucky" pen, and then using it when having meltdown.



2ukenkerl
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25 Jan 2008, 8:01 am

Danielismyname wrote:
Well, I've had suicidal ideation my whole life--depending on the environment it's louder or quieter; I guess I've been close to doing it before. I had a knife to my belly when I was four (Daniel the little samurai); I think I wanted to see what death was like, my mother [thankfully] found me in time. I've had some other moments....

I read something interesting the other day, in some circles, if a teenager/young-adult commits suicide, it's prudent to assume they had undiagnosed AS until proven otherwise (I guess it shows that social isolation/rejection can make one kill themselves, it makes sense).


One very odd common characteristic is that the general "Raison D'Etre" given is to appreciate, and be appreciated by, others! Odd, huh? Even CHRISTIANS say the reason to exist is to appreciate god. Many mothers seem to indicate that you should stay to be appreciated by THEM, and give kids as THEIR reason for being! Peers might say you are appreciated by others in your group, to dissuade suicide.

I think people with AS realize that is a flimsy excuse, and don't have much reason to live in that case anyway.

As for ME? Well, I write this not only from what I have seen, but as a personal example as well. YEP, I have thought of suicide.

As for writing about my obsession in school, I only did that in my 11th grade english class when I had to write a term paper. People accused me of cheating(plagerism)! :lol: The teacher knew better, though I had every source listed, with notes, and could give him all the books in an instant!

In truth, I had it better documented, and more evidence that I hadn't cheated, than ANYONE in class and perhaps anyone in the history of the school!



Sally
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25 Jan 2008, 8:25 am

i tried to hang myself when i was 14. i was just really depressed, knew i did not fit in anywhere & could not see how life could improve. however i was not brave enough to carry it through & so did not. no one knew how i felt, or if they did they did not care. i am glad i did not do it though now. life is still difficult, but has improved & i am now happy most of the time. i still self harm at times, not a good idea but is my way of coping when things get too much & although i want to hurt myself at times i now know that i dont want to die & so am less afraid of the extent that i will go to when it all gets too much.

i never told anyone that at the age of 14 i stood with a rope around my neck ready to do it. i dont tell people how i feel much at all except here on wp. thank you for reading how i feel, not just now but when i have posted in the past. i really appreciate it as i find it so difficult to open up to the people around me.


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Kwiksnax
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25 Jan 2008, 8:59 am

"someone should have noticed"

Christ, get over yourself and stop 'crying for help'. No one noticed because you aren't that significant.



Who_Am_I
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25 Jan 2008, 11:19 am

Kwiksnax wrote:
"someone should have noticed"

Christ, get over yourself and stop 'crying for help'. No one noticed because you aren't that significant.


Oh, what an unspeakably brilliant thing to say to the suicidal! :roll:
Their PARENTS at least should have noticed; I've always understood that it was normal for children to be important to their parents. Perhaps I've been misinformed.

I was constantly suicidal from ages 13-16 and I've been plagued with suicidal ideation since. I wish someone had noticed, but I can't really blame them for not noticing. I was, and still am, good at hiding it.


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Age1600
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25 Jan 2008, 12:01 pm

I started headbanging when i was an infant, as soon as i sat up i started lol, anyways i think around 6 is when i started becoming even more sucicidal and dangerous. Thats when i started taking knives out and trying to cut my face off, thats when i started beating myself with glass bottles, and around the age 8 is when i first tried to kill myself. I was extremely young, my parents didn't have a clue what to do with me, it was scary. :oops: :roll:


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whatamess
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25 Jan 2008, 12:13 pm

off and on...much more in my teen years...a major move did not help



mmaestro
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25 Jan 2008, 12:34 pm

Age 10 through to 18, to varying degrees, but it was always there. I think that's about when the bullying started in earnest, in later years it was more to do with my complete inability to form romantic relationships. I was always a loner, but that never bothered me all that much. Being a constant target for mild physical and verbal (the verbal bothered me more in some ways, but feeling like it wasn't safe to enter the school toilets at any time was really a major inconvenience) takes its toll.
Should someone have noticed? Probably. I think the teachers thought I was pushing the envelope somewhat, seeing how far I could go in some of my writings. That some of my essays in favour of eugenics (culling the less intelligent, obviously) didn't set off alarm bells still amazes me. I think they believed I wasn't serious, had they thought the sentiments were real (they were) I can't imagine I wouldn't have been sent for councelling immediately. My mum did notice I was cutting at one point (I'd scarred so much of my arm that the cuts started to reach my wrist, and she saw one day). I forget how the conversation played out, but nothing ever came of it, I think she was afraid to address it, and my sister at the time was taking all my parents' energy and emotional resources. I was the quiet, "good" child, so I was just left to my own devices.
What kept me going was, ironically, the burning sense of hatred I had for the people who were letting loose on me. I swore to myself that if I died, I wanted to take as many of them with me as possible, and as no viable option ever presented itself, I stayed alive. I didn't want to let the bastards win. God knows what would have happened if I'd been in a country with easy access to guns, or access to the internet and consequently information on amateur bomb-making and the like.


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25 Jan 2008, 1:09 pm

I have a different take on it and it is been that way for as long as I remember. I don't have lasting impulses or suicidal ideation. I've always though about it in a much more long term way. Like self-euthanasia.

When I was about 10-12 struggling to explain my fatigue, I ended up at a joint specialist of all places. When he finished and didn't find anything he then interrogated me and I panicked. The conversation got on to school and bullying and I ended up saying I wanted to top myself. It wasn’t strictly accurate because I had no immediate plans to do so. It was just an expression of my frustration. One of many at that time. He recommended to my mother that I be seen by a psychiatrist, which I managed to wriggle out of. Maybe I should have gone and I might have been diagnosed sooner, though if I wasn’t going to get diagnosed when I was seen at 2, 4/5 or 7 why then? The knowledge of the average GP on PDDs is still fairly limited to this day.

I do sympathise with being a perfectionist/harsh on yourself. On the one hand it can keep you going on the other. I admit a thought about again recently but in those moments my ego and my friends keep me from wanting to die, or even set a time limit. For them most part nowadays the idea is so far over the horizon.



Mudboy
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25 Jan 2008, 1:21 pm

Kwiksnax wrote:
"someone should have noticed"

Christ, get over yourself and stop 'crying for help'. No one noticed because you aren't that significant.

Yep, I realized at a young age that I am not significant enough to be noticed. That's why my name is Mud...



KristaMeth
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25 Jan 2008, 1:35 pm

I became suicidal around the same age as you, 11/12ish. On the contrary though, I wished no one would have noticed. Even at that young age I was really embarrassed to admit how I was feeling or that I was so low. I tried to hide my cuts, my depressing writing, whatever else. I think I've just always known that I'd never actually do the deed. The last thing I wanted was for my mom to be running around like a mad woman all day looking for signs of unhappiness in me, which led to my room, which led to all my stuff. I had no privacy for a while. It was crap. Psych. wards are crap, too. I wish I'd never left any hints to anyone as to how I felt inside.


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