what's the best way I could support a parent of an AS child?

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morning_after
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07 Feb 2008, 8:09 pm

I am not a parent, but someday I do wish to support parents of AS kids. I am AS, but I honestly try my best to understand others and where they come from (it's hard work).

So I wonder what is it that someone like me could do to support parents of AS children? What are the sorts of frustrations that you face? How does all of it make you feel?

Would it help at all to be a go between? Or just to give an occational hug?

While these are honest questions, this is also a thread to rant, let go, anything.

I'm also wondering if maybe posting a hug thread once in a while here would help you all, too.

And do any of you think that my telling you a little about how I experience life might help you with your own child? How come?

I'm mainly wondering because in hearing or reading other people talk about themselves, sometimes that helps me relate to other people.

I don't exactly know if this is the type of thread that should be a sticky or not. I'm not even sure what that is yet.



ster
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08 Feb 2008, 6:21 am

my hubby, who's aspie, has helped trmendously with our kids.....he understands things they go through far better tahn i do. he has been instrumental in explaining things to me about what they are going through....he's also been really great at explaining me to them



Corsarzs
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08 Feb 2008, 7:13 am

morning_after wrote:
I am not a parent, but someday I do wish to support parents of AS kids. I am AS, but I honestly try my best to understand others and where they come from (it's hard work).

So I wonder what is it that someone like me could do to support parents of AS children? What are the sorts of frustrations that you face? How does all of it make you

And do any of you think that my telling you a little about how I experience life might help you with your own child? How come?


Many good questions and I don't have time to answer them all, so here are just a few comments. first your comment about understanding others being hard work is helpful in itself. Seeing our 11 yr old struggle to understand the complexities of our society is often heartwrenching. Just hearing that someone else is dealing with the same thing helps relieve my stress level and thinking that I am failing in helping him through this.

Second you seem very capable of putting your thoughts into words and I think hearing about how you see life and deal with it would offer insight tou our childrens perceptions of the world. For example he sees everyone aas his friend, even those who use or misuse him for their own entertainment. Any insights.

Wish I had more time but morning duties call and I must go. By the way thank you.


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whatamess
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08 Feb 2008, 11:11 am

Two things that immediately come to mind about how to help...

1. Get to know the child and offer to babysit even if it's just for the parents to go out to dinner...I know that if there is one person in this world that I would feel very comfortable leaving my son with is my uncle who is also AS...

2. Talk about you, what you've done with your life, what your struggles were, etc...I think many times with so much media attention out there about this "horrible disease" parents become even more depressed not because of the current situation, but because of worry of "what will happen to my child when I'm no longer there..." And knowing that the are adults who have gone through the same things, and yet they are able to make it alone in society, it puts many worries at ease.

I worry about my child being made fun of now...I don't like it...It makes me sick...however, there is NOTHING that worries me more than what will his future be like? Is there another AS or HFA person out there who had the same or similar issues as him at his age, that are now holding a job, out in society? That is one of the biggest comforts I get from being here...Knowing that although not all are happy, my son does have a future where he will be able to take care of himself when I'm no longer around...



lelia
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08 Feb 2008, 8:38 pm

1. BABYSIT!! !! !! !! !!

2. Invite the entire family including the child with autism or asperger's over for dinner. I can count on my two hands the number of families brave enough and kind enough to invite my whole family over. The number of families I've had over to my house? Hundreds (We were in the AirForce and moved to a new set of people every four or five years)

3. Refer to Wrong Planet



jaleb
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09 Feb 2008, 2:02 am

I agree with the babysitt! We can RARELY get a sitter because of our boys AS.


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morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 1:21 am

ster wrote:
my hubby, who's aspie, has helped trmendously with our kids.....he understands things they go through far better tahn i do. he has been instrumental in explaining things to me about what they are going through....he's also been really great at explaining me to them


Do you find that it helps you to talk to an Aspie? Or is a lot of it due to the fact that he's also the childs father and knows him/her?



morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 1:35 am

Corsarzs wrote:

Many good questions and I don't have time to answer them all, so here are just a few comments. first your comment about understanding others being hard work is helpful in itself. Seeing our 11 yr old struggle to understand the complexities of our society is often heartwrenching. Just hearing that someone else is dealing with the same thing helps relieve my stress level and thinking that I am failing in helping him through this.


Thanks.

Corsarzs wrote:
Second you seem very capable of putting your thoughts into words and I think hearing about how you see life and deal with it would offer insight tou our childrens perceptions of the world. For example he sees everyone aas his friend, even those who use or misuse him for their own entertainment. Any insights.

Wish I had more time but morning duties call and I must go. By the way thank you.


Well, the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that I cannot put my thoughts into words as good in person, which sometimes leads people to pick my words apart. In person, one has to pay attention a little more to connections sometimes, but not so much in writing.

I used to, and still sometimes do, think that everyone that was even slightly friendly was a friend, even someone who would turn on me. It wasn't until very recently (since I started getting treatment that mainly calmed my nerves) that I started to see what I call abusive cycles. The abusive person will act nice for a while, then start to lash out, and over time thier lashing out would get worse and their friendly periods would be less.

When I was young, being very emotional, I would take it personally when someone talked to me or treated me in a way that was abusive. In other words, my inability to recognize that others are responsible for their own actions would get me thinking that they were telling the truth when they would blaim it all on me. My father, for example, although he's gotten better, would talk like everyone who didn't always agree with him was wrong and something was wrong with me when I didn't treat his words as if they were gospel. On account of my AS, I always believed him until I started to understand that others, their beliefs, their reactions, etc. were theirs and their beliefs are legit.

But I think more important is the fact that I began to understand that the ways in which I act are my only responsibility and the ways in which others react is their responsibility. someone could get insulted if I try to treat them like royalty, for example, taking it as an insult, and someone else could recognize that it is a way of trying to respect them. That part isn't up to me.

And thank you for your post.



morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 1:39 am

whatamess wrote:
Two things that immediately come to mind about how to help...

1. Get to know the child and offer to babysit even if it's just for the parents to go out to dinner...I know that if there is one person in this world that I would feel very comfortable leaving my son with is my uncle who is also AS...

2. Talk about you, what you've done with your life, what your struggles were, etc...I think many times with so much media attention out there about this "horrible disease" parents become even more depressed not because of the current situation, but because of worry of "what will happen to my child when I'm no longer there..." And knowing that the are adults who have gone through the same things, and yet they are able to make it alone in society, it puts many worries at ease.

I worry about my child being made fun of now...I don't like it...It makes me sick...however, there is NOTHING that worries me more than what will his future be like? Is there another AS or HFA person out there who had the same or similar issues as him at his age, that are now holding a job, out in society? That is one of the biggest comforts I get from being here...Knowing that although not all are happy, my son does have a future where he will be able to take care of himself when I'm no longer around...


Well, I haven't figured out the whole thing about taking care of myself completely, yet. My thing is that I kind of feel like I'm having to teach myself how to function.

I have been able to keep a job, though, and right now living on my own primarily has to do with finding an appartment.



morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 1:41 am

lelia wrote:
1. BABYSIT!! !! !! !! !!

2. Invite the entire family including the child with autism or asperger's over for dinner. I can count on my two hands the number of families brave enough and kind enough to invite my whole family over. The number of families I've had over to my house? Hundreds (We were in the AirForce and moved to a new set of people every four or five years)

3. Refer to Wrong Planet


Well, I will keep that in mind when I meet one, especially the babysitting idea.

I am also interested in trying to help support you, though.

But thank you.



oblekis
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10 Feb 2008, 8:21 am

I think what you are trying to do for us parents is wonderful. I just joined WP a few days ago. I have been lurking for about 4 months now. I decided to join in because I really feel a connection with everybody on this board. My son is 5 nonverbal/autistic. Just reading everybodys posts has given me a window into his world, and it is very much appreciated.

I worry about his future, as I do for my NT 2 yo daughter (but for my son...its more intense)
Reading your posts about your life experiences, or how you were as a young child....and how you are now as a teen or adult helps me with my son.



morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 12:20 pm

oblekis wrote:
I think what you are trying to do for us parents is wonderful. I just joined WP a few days ago. I have been lurking for about 4 months now. I decided to join in because I really feel a connection with everybody on this board. My son is 5 nonverbal/autistic. Just reading everybodys posts has given me a window into his world, and it is very much appreciated.

I worry about his future, as I do for my NT 2 yo daughter (but for my son...its more intense)
Reading your posts about your life experiences, or how you were as a young child....and how you are now as a teen or adult helps me with my son.


Thank you. I like your avatar, btw. That's pretty cute.



oblekis
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10 Feb 2008, 1:15 pm

morning_after wrote:

Thank you. I like your avatar, btw. That's pretty cute.


Thanks! I think it fits me well. I loved Calvin and Hobbes, and in my school aged years...I accepted everyone, especially ones who seemed loners or unusual. I never fit in anywhere in school, prob cause I was one of the unusual ones. I never fell into peer pressure for anything. I find it pretty interesting that I was picked to have an autistic son, because I accept everyone for who they are. :D



morning_after
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10 Feb 2008, 1:17 pm

oblekis wrote:
morning_after wrote:

Thank you. I like your avatar, btw. That's pretty cute.


Thanks! I think it fits me well. I loved Calvin and Hobbes, and in my school aged years...I accepted everyone, especially ones who seemed loners or unusual. I never fit in anywhere in school, prob cause I was one of the unusual ones. I never fell into peer pressure for anything. I find it pretty interesting that I was picked to have an autistic son, because I accept everyone for who they are. :D


Well, good for you.

You say you were picked. Do you believe in God?



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10 Feb 2008, 1:47 pm

morning_after wrote:
Well, good for you.

You say you were picked. Do you believe in God?


Well, I was raised is a semi religious family. We went to church every sunday till I was 16 (Im the youngest of 3). A few years later, we found out that at our church the pastor was abusing alot of boys. Ever since then, I have not gone back to church. Do I believe in God, yes...but I dont go to church. I pray for others, and strength for myself. But I dont preach my beliefs to anybody.