Relationship Problems

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all. I've never posted here before but I'm in the middle of a crisis with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and I need help. First of all, I should establish that I'm gay and a neurotypical. I'm 22 and both I and my bf/ex-bf are in college.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for the past four months until last Friday, when he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was that he said that he's overwhelmed by the emotion and love in the relationship and he just can't feel it like I can.

I had noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he was different. He was extremely quiet, almost never speaking unless spoken to. He seemed to enjoy spending a lot of time on his own and didn't make much of an effort to come see me. I was always the one to come see him. When he's on his own, he spends the vast majority of his time on the computer, talking about politics online and making congressional district maps of his own state. He rarely smiles or expresses affection and he can be very easily overwhelmed. For example, when watching a particular sitcom, he became visibly uncomfortable and couldn't look at the TV because the show involved a lot of fighting and confrontation. When we'd go out (for example, to the movies), he wouldn't talk at all on the subway ride there and when we'd come out of the movie and I'd ask him if he liked it or not, he'd answer with maybe a couple of words at most and then wouldn't talk for the entire ride back to our dorm. He'd refuse to make decisions about where to go on a Friday night and would usually just shrug his shoulders at most suggestions I'd make. I began to think that maybe he was bored by me but then I discovered in his interactions with others that he was exactly the same. He has a big group of friends on his floor and they all go to dinner at the dining hall every night. He barely talks to them and they barely talk to him. He pretty much just sits there at dinner and eats. I've never seen him get excited about something and he's said that he just doesn't feel emotion like other people. He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.

Before I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, I had no idea what was going on. Then I read the diagnostic criteria and it all seemed to fall into place. This was him! I finally understood what was wrong and it was a huge relief like I can't even explain. I spoke with him about it and he said that he'd researched it in the past and he thinks he has it. I told him that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to get treatment and that I love him no matter what, Asperger's or no Asperger's.

I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him. I also told him I loved him quite frequently and he'd always answer back, "I love you too." I never realized that probably bothered him too. I used to ask him to eat dinner with me almost every night (and sometimes with his friends, which bothered him) and now I feel so guilty that I was probably overwhelming him.

What I'm posting for is to get some advice from both people with AS and any NT's that are here on how to salvage this relationship. I absolutely love this guy and it doesn't matter to me one bit that he Asperger's. I want to be there for him and support him and love him through it all, whether he decides to get treatment or not. I want to win him back but I don't know how. I'm miserable without him and I want him to realize how much I love him and want to be with him, without overwhelming him and driving him away from me, period. I'm in desperate need of advice and I will take any help I can get.

What did he say when you said that you would be there for him no matter if he had Aspergers or not?
I suggest you just catch him somewhere he feels comfortable and talk to him. Talk quietly and explain your feelings.
No two aspergers are excatly the same, so while studying Aspergers might help you understand him, remember to first and formost study him. Find out what he is comfortable with and what he is not comfortable with. Make sure to let him know that he can share his thoughts with you, and be aware that there are times where he will prefer to withdraw into himself for a period of time.
If you stick with it you will find that there are some advantages to being an aspie. As we make for very loyal friends!

Good luck

Hi there, and welcome. I'm sorry your relationship ended like that, and I hope that you two are able to work things out.

I've dealt with something a bit similar. Though my husband and I are both on the spectrum, he's more at the autistic end and I'm more at the AS end. While in the past, all of my relationships had ended because of my distance and lack of affection, with my husband I found myself on the receiving end of that feeling for the first time in my life! It was odd, and yet for the most part it was a much welcome relief. Speaking as someone who often felt very overwhelmed by the emotions and dramatics of those around me, I can understand why your boyfriend felt pressured. This is NO reflection on you or the type of person you are. It does not mean you're pushy, needy or overbearing. It only means that he has trouble processing emotions, and this is pretty common with people on the spectrum.

Now, I also understand where you're coming from. I'll bet you feel like you're trying to lure a squirrel out of a tree and any false move will send him scurrying back up, right? Yes, sometimes I seem to make great strides with my husband and our affection level, only to have him shut down again because I get a bit over-excited and become a bit more than he can handle (which my NT standards would still likely be considered somewhat distant, heh). But with mutual understanding, we've made it.

If your boyfriend is willing to discuss things with you, I would definitely try that. It seems that you do care very much for him, and he for you, so I don't think it is unreasonable to think you could come to some sort of resolve here. I hope so. Sometimes people with AS can feel as if relationships are just something they cannot manage, no matter how much they want it. A NT/AS relationship poses more difficulties, but with patience and love, it can work. It can be difficult to get an aspie talking, so perhaps you might want to IM or e-mail a letter to him. Explain that you understand (and accept) his lesser need for affection, and that you still love him and are willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work within a "zone" that is comfortable for you both. Let him know you're open to communication. Be aware that sometimes people with AS do just shut down or take flight (I've done this, many times) when a relationship seems tense or overwhelming. Be his calm, patient friend right now, and let him know you understand.

I hope all my rambling helped. Good luck to you.

When I said I'd support him no matter what, he didn't really say anything, which is usually what happens no matter the conversation. When we talk, we usually sit next to each other on his bed. I look at him while I talk but he usually looks down at his feet and will occasionally look up at me for maybe 2 or 3 seconds and then goes back to the way he was. That's what happened on this occasion.

The only advice I have, is make sure you give him as much space as he needs. Take things slowly, it sound to me like you are coming on a little to strong for him.


In my own relationships, I generally like to get to know some one as friends before we get involved romantically. I think a lot of aspies are similar and most NTs want to do things the opposite. If you've only known him for 4 months then he may still be uncomfortable around you, get to know him better and wait until he becomes more comfortable around you before pressing a relationship. Try and take up and learn about his personal interests, if he is interested about politics, find out what canidate he likes and do some research. Watch the political news and next time your together bring up something you read and ask his opinion, he'll start talking I assure you.

Mikomi, I like your idea of the letter. I'm just really worried about overwhelming him and pushing him further away. He got pretty overwhelmed the night we broke up. We were both crying all night but the next couple days were even worse. I went to see him about two days after the breakup, to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him and how I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him. I also apologized for ever overwhelming him in the relationship and told him how incredibly guilty I feel about it. His response was really awful and he couldn't stand still and had a MAJOR panic attack. In hindsight, I feel so horrible about doing that to him and I didn't realize being that emotional (even though it was good emotion) was going to affect him so deeply.

I'm totally in love with him and am miserable without him. Over Winter Break, I even flew down to visit him at his home and to meet his parents. They really liked me and kept remarking that I was really good for him, which makes this all even more painful for me. I would do anything to get him back so keep the advice coming!

Lot of great advice up there. You're a great person to not cut bait and run. But, don't forget to consider yourself in this. It may be all too easy feel guilty and sorry for him (awwww, the poor Asperger! Let me hug you!), but remember to consider if you think you can handle this stuff for the long haul. Think about how much you're willing to compromise yourself. How will it feel in a few years and you still have to check spontanous hugs. Or not being able to come home one day and just chat with your bf. Having to leave him behind while you go to shopping. Always having to be the one to make decisions for dinner. Personally, I recommend backing off, and being a friend. See if he can handle it. See if you can handle it. You can love him as a friend Trust me it will be better to sort out what YOU want, rather than seem to waffle back and forth, or come to resent him from not being honest with yourself. It can work, just be sure you're willing to give up what it will take.

NTstudent10: Yeah, it sounds like things are pretty heated right now. When he calms down, and he will, he will be in a better frame of mind to think. It sounds like you are very understanding, and having a boyfriend with AS will definitely require understanding, and patience. Sounds like the love is there already. Write the letter. Look at it and re-read it a few times. Say what you need to say without saying too much. In a few days, send it. Don't discuss what you need in the letter, just what you're willing to offer. As roguetech says, think too on the difficulties that lie ahead. Most of the time, living with someone on the spectrum is not bad, if you have love, patience and understanding. Sometimes though, we get into patches where I wonder how on earth we've made it this far, I kid you not! Sometimes it is truly painful. That said, I fully believe that with love and understanding, it can work, if both people want it to.