Who is it easier to be in a LT relationship with?

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gypsyRN
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25 Feb 2008, 2:45 am

Hi everyone.
I'm super new to the board, and I'm just looking for opinions here. Although my parents drug me around to psychologists when I was a kid, I am recently diagnosed (to my knowledge). I'm 27/F (straight), and I've had several long-term relationships, but they seem to reach a tipping point, then gradually slide downhill.

I can be overly emotional and sometimes I have trouble tempering my responses to things...whether they're good things or bad things. I like a ridiculous amount of order in some aspects of my life, but in others I take a "piles not shelves" approach. I say things I (evidently) shouldn't, and a lot of the time I'm just not sure what to say (some may say "shy"). I'm HORRIBLE at small talk. After a certain amount of time, I seem to just drive guys nuts. That seems to be the long and the short of it. I've dated only "neurotypical" guys...not really on purpose or anything, they're just who I've ended up with. Is it easier to date a guy who is more like me? Who will understand that when I do this WEIRD s**t...that it's not on purpose, that I'm not doing it to annoy him, but that I also can't NOT do it??? I've surmised that things which start out as endearing and quirky end up annoying and weird when had on a daily basis.

I'm fine with being single, I even enjoy it...and going through a break-up cycle after 18-24 months gets old, as well as being really discouraging (and sad...and making me un-romantic and cynical). So I'm trying to figure out am I dating the wrong men or should I give up on it altogether.... Conundrum.

Thoughts are appreciated!
:)



Tim_Tex
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25 Feb 2008, 4:17 am

It would depend on the person, as far as dating another Aspie goes. Some Aspies, such as myself, are borderline AS/NT.


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Last edited by Tim_Tex on 25 Feb 2008, 11:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dishman
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25 Feb 2008, 5:05 am

My experience has been that communicating with other Aspies can be much easier. It varies, because we vary a lot.

Generally speaking, good communications is essential to a long term relationship.



Kezzstar
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25 Feb 2008, 6:55 am

I'm dating a guy with suspected Aspergers/HFA.

He's amazing, we adore each other and we can communicate really well.

Nothing we do is ever strange to the other.

:)

Hope I helped.


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ToadOfSteel
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25 Feb 2008, 9:52 am

I can only do long-term relationships (but it takes me at least a month to fully develop an attraction for any particular woman...)

Then again, I'm only 20, and I consider my age "range" to be 18-25...



Sedaka
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25 Feb 2008, 11:00 am

you sound a lot like me.... except im in the ~2yr range of not (really) dating. ive mainly only done long term relationships and it's the damnedest thing.... they all still claim they love me... yet i KNOW they would never be happy with how i am.... it's that endearing-->annoying thing you were speaking of. independently... they all seem to rather miss my "loyalty" and "silliness" and they seem to forget the patterns that we fell into: mainly me being a stubborn dolt who apparently is trying to slowly drive them mad. and i've stuck around my longterm relationships for roughly 3yrs each... hoping something would change and it never did (i did not know about AS then)... even so, i concluded on my own that it just had to be me. maybe now that i know, things would be different... but i haven't really seen an opportunity to try... nor really felt like it.


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roguetech
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25 Feb 2008, 11:53 am

For me there's no choice. I'm drawn to the NT girls. It's unlikely I'll make a move when I'm drawn to them, let alone when I'm not, so NT it is for me :wink:.

Any rate, I'd say it depends on what turns you on in guys... Can YOU put up with an AS guy?



gypsyRN
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26 Feb 2008, 12:15 am

roguetech wrote:
For me there's no choice. I'm drawn to the NT girls. It's unlikely I'll make a move when I'm drawn to them, let alone when I'm not, so NT it is for me :wink:.

Any rate, I'd say it depends on what turns you on in guys... Can YOU put up with an AS guy?


Here's the thing...I tend to be attracted to guys who are different seeming or awkward, super intelligent, nerdy, artsy...whatever. But...since I seem to be oblivious to subtle attraction cues.... The guy is awkward, shy, unsure of himself, etc. We can float around bumping into each other, with me thinking, "He must not like me or he would've made a move," and him thinking, "She must not like me or she would've been receptive to my advances."

I'm clueless as to how things would work out in a relationship, because nothing has ever even progressed to a date. I have a couple good friends with AS...they probably COULD have been boyfriends, had one of us gotten a clue!

So, I really don't KNOW if I can put up with someone else's quirks. Probably depends upon how much theirs mesh with my own.

The grammar is lousy throughout there...sorry about that.



ToadOfSteel
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26 Feb 2008, 9:08 am

gypsyRN wrote:
The guy is awkward, shy, unsure of himself, etc. We can float around bumping into each other, with me thinking, "He must not like me or he would've made a move," and him thinking, "She must not like me or she would've been receptive to my advances."


That's just beating around the bush...



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26 Feb 2008, 9:16 am

For me, it would be Aspies--because my last relationship was with one and it was infidelity-free.

My first girlfriend, who was an NT, cheated on me.


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Arbie
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26 Feb 2008, 1:31 pm

Maybe someone with AS would be a bit more understanding about quirks and what not. Maybe not. I have had AS friends before and some of them did some things that I understood but still had a hard time dealing with just because of they way they effected me due to my own quirks. I don't know that people with AS can be generalized any more than "NTs" can. How well two aspies would get along has very much to do with the individuals involved. That isn't to say that having another person around who would understand certain quirks or behaviors isn't its own advantage.



MisterHeron
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26 Feb 2008, 10:18 pm

I tend to find odd quirks very attractive for some reason. The more odd the behavior, the more it is a turn on for me.

I don't quite get it. When somebody does something so odd it makes me want to grab them and go on a long make out session...



marmotta
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27 Feb 2008, 3:29 am

...newbie tiptoes in....
On my second marriage now...and I can relate to a few other posters about relationships with men, and the fact that they did seem to forget how I could drive them bats in an instant.....(and the missed connections)
I'm now married to someone who I suspect is an Aspie...we both have a lot more patience with each other than either of us were given/gave in other relationships.
Also, its nice not to have to 'think so hard' at home...I just accept his quirks, he accepts mine...much easier.



Cyanide
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27 Feb 2008, 3:38 am

I think I tend to do better in relationships with females who are almost my complete opposite....social/religious/normal etc.
I have no idea why.



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27 Feb 2008, 6:41 am

I think either as long as you had stuff in common.


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gypsyRN
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28 Feb 2008, 2:18 pm

Just so people aren't thinking I'm an idiot here...I do realize that any relationship takes work-lots of it!-and that nothing is "one size fits all". And I do realize that everyone is different, and that one can't say "every NT person is this, so by default every AS person is that, so that is better". I just wanted some opinions, other peoples' experiences and thoughts...I'm only one, and it's tough sometimes to not have someone I can talk to about the more atypical aspects of relationships.

I can just picture the look on a HS/college friend's face when I've tried to explain how certain things I do are upsetting to X guy. "Why would you do that to begin with? That's so WEIRD! Just...stop doing it!" Well, yes I would, if I only could.

So, thanks!