It's not my fault!

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I have always wondered why every time I meet someone and even become a friendly acquaintance with them we still never become friends. I'd always thought that it was somehow my fault that they didn't want to be my friend, but now I realize that it's really their fault, they're the ones that suck.

I know that sounds like I'm making excuses for myself or averting blame but hear me out. I've noticed a pattern. Whenever I meet someone and talk with them a little bit it seems to go well. It always deteriorates whenever I am around that person's friends. I've figured out that what they don't like about me is that I try to be friendly to everyone. Invariably one of the friends will have seen me talking with someone from another group that the group I'm talking to hates so they always engineer to shut me out. I'm not a prick to everyone who isn't in a certain group so I don't get accepted. I don't consider that a fault of mine, that's a fault of human social interaction in general. I should be looking for other loners because anyone that hangs out in a group will inevitably be a piece of trash, even if he/she is decent when away from the group.

A person can be a good person or a bad person. People are garbage, even lower than rotten banana peels. f**k them all.

people only hang in groups because their not strong enough to stand on their own nature and all i guess

people only hang in groups because their not strong enough to stand on their own nature and all i guess

It all depends on the social group.

What you've described sounds like hierarchical cliques - often there's a leader and a number of followers. Criminal mentality usually works this way in the development of gangs, an extreme form of this social type.

There are of course non-hierarchical based social groups out there. Intellectual and academic social circles tend to be more respectful to individual equality, for example.

It takes some work, but you can find like-minded people. There are groups out there who will accept you. Better yet, form your own group. You'll need to show some leadership qualities if you hope to succeed, but it's definitely a positive learning experience.

People suck. Anything else I have to say about them is too vulgar for this forum.



That one sounds very common.



The "intellectual" circles here are the most closed minded, arrogant [insert expletive]s of the whole bunch. I don't have a nerd/geek persona, and I used to play on the basketball team so they're usually the worst of all towards me. Or maybe there are no true intellectual circles where I'm at, that wouldn't surprise me in semi-rural Texas. There's one guy who likes to talk to me about politics and current events on occasion, another for sports, but neither wants to actually hang out.



I'm starting to doubt this. I've tried so many times already. When is the line between bad luck and just not going to happen?

Maturity doesn't have any to do with intellect. Many of the so-called "intellectual circles" are just as bad a high schoolers. Some people just don't evolve much.

You miss the point; nobody makes friends with everyone they meet, that is why you have to meet several people to begin to have a chance. When you have one acquaintance don't just focus all your efforts on them, it would likely drive them away. Don't worry I didn't know this stuff either, it is possible to learn.

One of the main things about making friendships it learning how to reciprocate the friendship. I think some people are less forgiving than others.

Your example is exactly why avoided that sort of contact in order to learn how to get friends. There are different types friends and different circle of friends. Some circles overlap, but not necessarily permanently. It may be an occasional thing. There are ‘social networks’, which are complex interconnected things.

Basically I avoided all that s**t. It is quite possible to make friends almost entirely one by one, then only after you know them for a little while than consider introducing them to other friends, etc. It actually works very well because you will be focusing on friends with something in common with you and the friends are more likely to get on. When you are trying to make friends try and keep the number of people you are interacting with small. Otherwise you will tire yourself out. I did used to go to larger formal meets but that is mainly good for just getting used to large formal interaction, I'm not sure that everyone is good at making friends there. I certainly am not.

If you want friends, the greatest change has to come from within yourself rather than from others. You'll have to start accepting others despite their flaws. Cynicism isn't going to help much.

I used to think very negatively about everyone when I was younger, so I do understand where you're coming from. When you're ready to deal with both the bad and good, you'll find friends.

I'm not expecting to make friend with everyone I meet. I just expected to go better than 0 for 1000, I would've thought something would've clicked sometime before then. I try not to focus on one too much.



I honestly thought I was reciprocating. Although maybe I'm not sure what you mean by reciprocating a friendship. I don't think I was born intuitively knowing what that means.



One by one is hard to do. They eventually want to introduce me to some of their friends. Then it always heads south. I'm not sure I'm socially equipped to network at the point where I can introduce people to other people.



No offense, but that sounds like something from a generic inspirational poster. I've actually found the opposite to be true in my experience. One time I experimented with rejecting people who tried to be friendly. It seemed to make them more prone to try, like they couldn't take rejection. Then when I became more friendly and accepting towards them they lost interest. I wasn't always cynical, it took a long time for that to develop, actually, and it didn't work when I wasn't cynical either. I know it's hard to believe, but I really am trying my best. People seem hesitant to believe that anyone can fail at something most find easy if they try their best.



I'm not sure what you mean by that. If I wasn't ready to deal with the bad I don't think I'd even be trying. I think one important distinction to make is that I'm not negative with individuals. I'm only negative towards humanity in general, and I never tell other people that in real life. It's all just so damn confusing.

Well if you've honestly been rejected a thousand times as you say, I doubt any of us here on the forum can help much through a simple online discussion. We would have to be there in person to see the specifics of the situations and groups you're referring to. There are too many alternate factors to consider when it comes to social interaction.

I'm assuming we're all adults here. Honestly, I haven't seen much of the behavior you've described since high school. Those in their twenties and older (that I've met) are usually mature and friendly people. University students and professors have treated me respectfully. In my personal situation, it's mostly been my own anxiety that prevented me from connecting with others.

You seem like a decent and mature person to me. I don't know why people would treat you badly. It's not like you're asking for saints here. Hell, I'd be your friend. Then again, I'd probably be friends with most people - as long as they're not serial killers.

Maybe Texas is just a really bad state. Heh.. move up to the New England area. I've heard that Vermont has some of the most peaceful and sociable communities. That's part of the reason I'm planning to visit there this summer. Though I doubt it will be as good as all the hype proclaims.

Have you met any aspies yet?

I'm pretty sure I'd need a psych tailing me to be able to get a clue as to what the problem is. I'm afraid that it's a facial expression problem which definitely can't be fixed over the internet.

Are you in a dorm or do you commute? I'm in a dorm and I must say the maturity level has gone down since high school. All the residents of my dorm each have to make a large extra payment to the college because of vandalism by unknown perpetrators that caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the dorm. The things that go on are what you would expect from a group of 4 year olds rampaging through a house that their parents left them alone in. Maybe people who commute are more mature. The cleaning and maintenance staff deserves to be paid more than the professors here, and there are some good professors here.

I met several aspies in high school. None here.

Dorms - that must explain it.

I commute - most of the people I'm interacting with are in their mid-twenties, work, and only take classes part-time. I'm into lit mags, and that scene has a lot of graduate students, artists, poets.. generally these pacifists are the ones getting bullied, rather than doing the bullying. Although I have seen an occasional 'tough' looking customer in Atomic Books, but that's probably because it's in Baltimore.

I've actually never met any aspies (to my knowledge).. though my sister claims one of her co-workers has identified himself as one.

I will admit there are a lot of nasty people around here too. I still have nightmares recalling some of my neighbors who occupied the sh***y apartment complex I was living at in Gaithersburg until last year. The walls were so thin, I could literally hear this drunk Mexican beating his wife every night. Carjackings and break-ins were common, and everyone generally gave me the creeps. We had this hobo who would just stand out in the parking lot and stare at our windows for hours. Then when you head out to your car, he asks you for light bulbs. Nearly every day, street kids were rummaging through our trash in the dumpsters, looking for credit card receipts and god knows what else. All that and faulty water heaters for only 1400 a month.

And I thought I had it bad. I almost vomit every time I walk through the halls now because the smell of the ketchup that was sprayed all over the walls doesn't agree with my nose, but I'm sure it'll be cleaned up within a week. Although everyone in the dorm got a bill for all the damages accrued this semester already, why are these as*holes continuing? The ketchup is probably much less expensive to clean up than when some of the said as*holes sprayed the public furniture with fire extinguishers and destroyed the washing machines, bathrooms and elevator, but still. It's like the freshman class is super immature this year. I remember the other years when people did funnier, less destructive pranks like leaving a turd on a plate in front of someone's door. But at least living in a dorm doesn't sound that scary.