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kip
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21 Mar 2008, 4:40 pm

I had to deal with fam today. I caint even think straight now. I swear they just wonder why I haven't grown up, that I'm the same way I was as a kid. They don't get me as an aspie cause they aren't, and none of them care to know why I act the way I do. After fam I have to be at work, which is even harder cause the boss stopped letting me repair things. But I caint deal with people. Not right now. Driving me insane. I've lost all ability to even pretend to be an NT, but my boss doesn't know I"m aspie. SO now I'm stressed even more about having to try and pretend to be something I'm not and I caint even rely on my limited social skills because apprently my fam decided they needed a vacay. Oh bloody hell. My boss is think8ing i'm either off my nut or that I had something to smoke while I was off at lunch, but I didn't. And how do you explain aspergers while youre currently stuck in a mental loop that requires you to avoid everything and everyone. Looking people in the eye right now is giving me a migrane but they expect me to do it. If I caint fix the computers I'm supposed to be on the floor selling them and not hiding in the back but all I want to do is go home. I hate this. I hate being different, seperate from the rest of the world. I havent even been meeting up with my group lately cause I caint afford it, but right now they are the only people I want to see. Maybe because I don't have to see them I dont have to look them in the eye and smile and nod and think about my face and my hands and if I'm staring because they accept it for what it is. I'm really fascinated with buttons right now, and anything pastel coloured. And I just wanna be home with my macs playing and making servers. I caint do this. It hurts so much to know that if I just try hard enough I can be one of them, be an nt, but I caint try hard enough. I caint even think straight, I'm talking a mile a minute about anything random but all I want to do is lock myself in my room and hide. I don't even wanna see Keny right now and he makes me feel safe. Hes the good spot. BUt I caint. And hes at my home, Well not my home but where I live. Dammit I am so f*****g messed up in the head right now. I was doing good, no breakdowns for almost a month, and now this. And I know this is prolly gonna last a day or so before I can even pretend to be SLIGHTLY normal again, and even then people are gonna wonder. And my boss wants to fire me because I've missed to many days and I caint come in because I just caint deal. I caint find another job, I just learned these people and its so taxing to learn more. I have to get on ssi or something because this is nuts.



Sedaka
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21 Mar 2008, 5:14 pm

my boss researches autism...... knows i think i have AS.... has even conceded me some points on the matter....... but still gives me s**t for the very things he should know to try and help support me with. it's very hard and i know how you feel. you gotta keep trying though, it's all you can do.

i hope you feel better soon.


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Chimchar
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21 Mar 2008, 5:19 pm

You have to tell your boss. If you get fired? Your disability won't save you.