i really dont know anymore.....

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anything....about anything.........i dont know if I want to get a diagnosis. Afraid i might just give up on life.

Im looking on youtube watching videos of people with "Aspergers" and none of them seem like me. I know every case of AS is different. But i see videos of people and they just seem to really have it or so much worse than me. They just seem weird.........Im wondering is if thats how people see me when they look at my talking. I have no idea...

maybe thats what I look like and in my head i always try to justify myself as a normal person.

Maybe you don't have it.
Nothing wrong with that.

Heck..I might not have it...I just have alot of seemingly AS symptoms and am a diagnosed ADDer...

Give up? Why? To me it was like the damn last piece of this puzzle that was my life that I was looking for so long.

Look, the diagnosis doesnt give you anything you dont already have. For me, I was suffering due to a vast list of social systems, and the discovery that they were all packaged together was insightful to me. How many people come with instruction manuals? You should appreciate how many NTs wish they did.

Second: I know how you feel about comparing yourself with other Asps. I've only been diagnosed a week now, and the only reason I'm coming out of denial is because everyone on this website sounds as sane and desperate as I am... which is a good change from the literal heckling that I have to face at school. I dont have a physical deficiencies, I dont obsess over weird things like batteries... as far as the television cares to show, I'm just like everyone else.
...except socially inadequacy and a bit of narrow focus obsessions...

Third: I've never understood giving up on life. Giving up on life in public? Go for it. I hear New Zeland is nice every season, and it's filled with sheep. Suicide should not be a permanent solution to an ephemeral problem: life being the biggest example of an ephemeral problem.

Fourth: I am very sympathetic to the notion of not realizing how others see you. The thought that I may be exhibiting "lack of empathy", "inappropriate facial expressions", and the complete disregard for physical cues is frightening because that changes how I view my past successes and failures: the things that were once other people's faults could potentially have actually been my fault...
What I plan to do personally for my own post-diagnosis identity crisis (dont worry, you're experiencing yours now) is to sit down with someone I trust, or someone who has no reason to lie to me, and just sort everything out.

Our lives are full of new opportunites depending on how far we are willing to go,
so take the diagnosis, laugh about it, see how everyone takes it, better yourself, and perhaps move on if everything goes to hell.


PS. I'll leave it to someone else to mention that you have at least a few friends for a reason: so they must see something in you. And if, god help you, you dont, New Zeland rocks. It's full of vacationing Australians and the sheep-human ratio is 10:1. Everyone will be your friend.

I felt like that when first watched a couple of them.

But have realised that although I can, and do when required, put on a super NT show for an hour or an hour and a half at a time, though only if really switched onto to the situation, I very quickly "slow down", and lose the smooth flow of natural seeming expressions etc. I do have over forced smiles, heavy constant frowns, grimaces, and monotonous or dragging speech when not in switched on NT performance, which tires me out completely very fast.

And yes, all AS are different. Have seen some very different people on videos. Some with lighter, or easier, or more "normal" styles. It varies.

I don't know if I have AS. I'm pretty sure I have ADD with hyperfocus and hypoactivity( opposite of hyperactivity).

But also I suspect I'm within the AS spectrum, because I'm hypersensitive to things.

So I've self diagnosed myself 'not sure if I have it or not', I'm happy with that.

I suggest do some reading and you might be able to understand yourself better, and you might find out things that will help you in your life.

I really wish I knew all this stuff sooner.