Co-workers tip-toeing around me ??

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Sorry if this is long and full of petty details:

OK, so I've gone through an intense depressive period in the last couple of months, made worse by lack of sleep and food. I was working late in the shop alone at nights, and spent many hours just sitting around crying and thinking about killing myself, probably with a pneumatic stapler or bandsaw... it was really intense, the worst it's been in years.

Anyway, I kind of keep my own hours, but I need to be there during part of the 9-5 day so that I'm in touch with my coworkers. (They build the set, I paint it). So this one day I was trying to paint, but I just couldn't stop crying, and couldn't even see what I was doing. So I told my coworker that I needed to leave because I was just not being productive. He seemed really concerned and the next day said that he'd been really worried about me, which was nice of him, and not unexpected, I guess. So I just kept working as usual for the next few days, and I didn't have another incident at work. And soon I started to feel a bit better--not happy, but not quite so upset.

Now this is almost 2 weeks later, but I get the feeling that my coworkers, especially the one I talked to that day, are still 'tip-toeing' around me. By that I mean they're being overly nice and giving me repeated compliments on my work, even though I didn't do that great a job, and once is really enough. I kind of feel like I'm being patronized, and it's insulting. I mean, I know they mean well, but I just want to be treated like any other person would.

I'm also getting paranoid that this show is my last--the season is pretty much over, and I got in an argument with my superior who said she doesn't see me as a 'head painter', even though it's a position I've had countless times. She's always led me to believe that I would take her place if she left, but now she's trying to find someone else to replace her in the fall. (This isn't the root of my problems, but certainly an aggrivating factor! And some of the others overheard everything we said, so maybe that contributes to their actions as well. I also cried while I was arguing with her, even though I was making a good, logical arguement, I know it hurt my credibity.)

I guess I'm just confused, I don't even know what I'm asking for advice on. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you do? The one thing that haunts me as well, is the co-worker in question asked me what I was so upset about, and he sounded like he really wanted to know... so I told him about the trouble with my superior, and that I was also having a hard time and things were piling on top of each other; ie. a really vague answer. How could I have explained to him that it was everything in my life that was going wrong?--he doesn't even know that I'm an Aspie, and even if he did, he wouldn't understand. I wanted to tell him, but it was just too long and complicated, and I barely know the guy. It would have been unprofessional, right???

yeah, telling your coworker about your Asperger's probably would have been unprofessional, mostly just because in the working world people are generally not that interested in anything other than your work (i.e. NOT your personal life). At work, we are expected to "hold it together" and show strength -- otherwise, we won't get any kind of advancements.

This has been my fear that I too, at work, would not be able to control crying if I were to get upset. I often cry not only when I'm sad but also when I'm frustrated, and frustrations are usually common in the workplace. Not a great emotional response!

Do you have a friend at work that you feel close to, closer than this coworker that has been attempting to be nice? It would be helpful to be able to explain how you feel to one person, who then could kind of let the others know what's going on -- that you appreciate their concern, but you wish they would not overly compliment your work, just allow you to continue your work. Also, I would be disappointed if I had been told that I would be head painter, and then have my boss change their mind later on.

You're in a rough situation -- in a creative work environment, but one that requires some non-emotional work social skills. It may be time to start looking for creative work elsewhere, just in case this job won't be there in your future.

Kris

I would "go official" if I were you. Get documentation, use any discount/subsidized mental health service available. File the documentation with whomever is responsible for Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) compliance at your workplace. Make the best formal ADA request you can. Of course you are expected to mitigate the impact of the disability. However, mitigating the impact can actually be a benefit. It can serve as goals to obtain and give you a sense of control.

Badmouthing a superior is poison in the workplace. Openly declaring practically any disability is better than becoming adversarial with a superior. You had better smooth that over in short order or let it be forgotten if you haven't said these type of things more than once or twice.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I'm a perfectionist. This can be hard to live up to and make you think you can always do better and you are not doing well enough.

The depression may be situational/triggered so it may worth restoring any routines that have been broken and trying to eat and sleep well. Then it might be worth reflecting on when it started to happen what was different, etc. On the other hand it might help view depression as it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, which it is, rather than thinking it is because you are a bad person. I.e. the focus should be to get through it rather than soaking it up.

When you say you have these thoughts of killing yourself with a pneumatic stapler or band saw, are these distressing/unexpected or all they more a reflection of how you view your situation and self? Just that Pure Obsessional can have these sorts of thoughts in an unexpected/distressing way.

Personally I would tell your co-workers that you are ok and don't need them to be so delicate around you. My sister is an NT and she is a pretty determined insurance broker/account exec. She holds no prisoners and has no qualms about straight up asking for a raise. Although once she was having a review, and she felt she was unfairly criticized even though it was not so big a deal. After the meeting she went to the loo and cried. So there is nothing wrong with that.

As to if you should tell them your and aspie it completely depends on you, and how you view the situation. I think it is very much on case by case basis. Generally speaking if they have an equal opps policy it would be a good idea to tell HR and maybe a superior. They are duty bound to make reasonable adjustment in the workplace. Although I'm not sure about going to the one you go into the argument with. Personally you may have to apologize to her, even if you are mostly in the right. Think of it this way: She is leaving, so if you are on half decent terms with her it would make you current job more secure and possibly make it more likely you will get hers.

@tailfins1959 ADA doesn't apply she is Canada. I have done some quick research and it looks like they don’t have a firm disabilities discrimination act, looks like there was some attempts a passing a bill that fell through, it may come under general discrimination legislation. In UK (DDA) they tend to encourage employers to ask details before you get hired if at all possible, especially if they have an equal ops policy. Sometimes it will state that the info goes straight to HR and is not passed on to the interviewer unless it is relevant to interviewing and being able to do the task. Some even offer a guaranteed interview system if you have a disability so long as you meet the minimum requirement on the person specification you get an opportunity to get an interview. They don’t have to hire you but you get a chance. But there is nothing wrong with telling HR now. There is no legal obligation to declare a disability (except in some exceptional circumstances), and there is a legal requirement for employers to treat those with disabilities fairly.

Thank you Kris, for your understanding and good advice. I do have one co-worker who's like a friend, but he's also kind of the oversee-er, so I feel awkward telling him about my personal problems. But I'm finished at the place for now, there's no work right now because the season's coming to an end, so I'm just going to think about it for a while--no hurry. And yes, I am trying to find other work, wish me luck!

You're right, I shouldn't bad-mouth her, (but I did make a joke at her expense and the others actually laughed.) I just think that if I go official, it will just give them justification to treat me differently than the others.
I don't have any kind of HR or related services at my workplace, either--we're just a small group of professionals doing a series of contracts in a rented space. I've been there since the beginning--4 years ago, but at that time I was only a student. We have had people come and go, but usually out of their own volition, or else they were really bad at their job. But I know that's not the case with me.

I understand that, but I don't think I'm a perfectionist, I just want to do a good job. I enjoy my work, and get a sense of satisfaction from it, (which is more than I can say for the other woman).



I've thought a lot about these things (I've had cycles of severe depression most of my life), and I don't think I can avoid it. I know I'm not a bad person, but if I'm not doing something productive with my life, then it's a waste of time, and no medication or therapy will cure this. I don't have a routine, I'm always working part-time jobs here and there and keeping odd hours, so I'm used to that. I only lose sleep when I'm upset (and I can't eat because I feel like I'm choking and will throw up).



No, I was just planning. I was in the shop at the time, so those would have been quick, easy methods, but I also thought of other things during the day, like running onto the street. So it's not an obsession, I just felt like I couldn't go on at the time.



That's true, I've seen others cry at their work too, now that I think of it.



I was just going to leave it all behind, but now that I think of it, an apology might be a good thing to do. I could write her a letter and in doing so explain my side of things in a way that doesn't offend her. I guess I could tell her that I'm AS, at this point I don't have much to lose.
I still don't know if I should see her as a friend or enemy, because for most of our time working together, we got along great. But when we were arguing, she basically admitted that I was difficult to work with because I questioned her too much, and it took me by surprise because she'd never mentioned it before. (She didn't readily admit this, only near the end, after I'd debunked all her other excuses). We did kind of make up at the end, but it didn't seem like the issue was resolved, only that we'd both listened to each other's problems for a while.




I don't have any HR. That's part of what makes it so frustrating, I have no-one I can really complain to without it looking unprofessional. And if I go to anyone other than the head painter, it'll be worse because it will look like I'm going behind her back.

Thanks for all your thoughtful advice, zero, I appreciate it.

Cool. It does sound like an interesting job, I'd be a bit slow at it. I painted a mural when I was in school. It took me a long time. They even offered to white wash it, but I had not given up, I was just taking my time. I like to take my time with creativity, and stuff in general.


That sounds like a plan. You are in the best position assess the situation. I wouldn't view her as anything until you have have more information. It can be difficult being diplomatic, but you won't have to do it for too long hopefully.



Yep small organizations don't really have that. Then again large firms are a lot more bureaucratic, which is not much better. I think ideally I prefer it is small but that are fairly inclusive and don't might discussing problems.

How did your mural turn out? You should be allowed to take your time with things like that. My job is a bit different; I get paid by the hour, so there's not a lot of margin for experimentation. But most of the painting I do isn't illustrative, rather it's different sorts of texture, washes and breakdowns.

I took Kris's advice and am going to talk to my other trusted friend. (The one that's also the oversee-er). I sent him a short email, and we're meeting up early next week. I don't plan to dis my superior, but rather I'm asking him for advice regarding my career (which is really what I need most right now). But at the same time he'll know where I stand, and I'll be able to set the record straight if anything's been said.

I just wanted to write that I told one of my co-workers that I was autistic (the over-seeer one), and he just said "wow". But he didn't seem to change his opinion of me, saying that most people in the theatre industry are weirdos in one way or another, and I shouldn't feel like I don't belong.
I didn't even elaborate that much, we had other things to talk about. But I'm really glad I told him. And though I'm still upset that I kind of lost my position (I'll probably still get work there though), I'm having lots of success doing other jobs lately. Change is good, and I'm still young and developing myself.