For the married Aspies, can you give some advice?

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I'm looking for opinions from married or in LT relationship Aspies. Did you ever feel a need to run away from committment and from anything too intimate at the beginning of your relationship? I don't know how to overcome this overwhelming desire to run...I feel constrained when someone tries to get too close. I feel like I can't be ME and so I irrationally want to run.

On another note, how did you know you were in love? Was it initially physical attraction or more? How fast did your rel progress?


So far when I've asked questions here I didn't get many answers...or very generic ones. Hopefully I'll be luckyer this time.

well, in anybody's world it's tough to speak to another's emotional well-being,but...

In my experience the claustrophobic "gotta get outta here" feelings come a little later. Initially, there's an almost obssesive exiliration in the relationship. It's only after I've allowed the other person into my life, that I start to resent their attentions and expectations. I can't stand being made in any way resonsible for the emotional well-being of another person. I have enough anxiety just functioing in my own head from day to day. Trying to focus on their signals and needs and desires just makes me mentally tired and frustrated, but my non-confrontational nature and difficulties communicating feelings cause it to become internalized as I grow more and more resentful and angry. Eventually I'll reach critical mass and come to intensely dislike them and act out passively-agressively to get them to go away. Now, mind you, when I was younger and had never heard of Asperger, I lived through this pattern many times without realizing that it was me that was causing it all along. Now I accept it and have adopted the philosophy that 'there are many worse things in life than being alone'. Like having to share space constantly with another person.

Hi northern_light_girl.


I may not be the best person to answer this (I have a question on this board too) but here goes.

Yes, I have felt the need to run from relationships before. I have broken up a couple of long term relatinships for the same reasons you describe. I am not sure how much was because of AS, at least for me. Of course you and I might have very different opinions on what is "too close." Looking back, I always felt that way when being asked to move in together. I think I wanted my own space to retreat to when needed. It felt like my private life would have been invaded instead of shared. On a long enough timeline any relationship could end up that way, so I felt kind of like that with most. Fortunately the right one found me.

Again, looking back I don't know how much of it was irrational fear, or AS.

Love, well that is another thing entirely. I knew I was in love with my wife when we had a nice long conversation about astronomy just after sex.

Hope this helps, and if it doesn't, I hope it doesn't hurt.

Yes. The care-free, light-hearted exhillaration kind of lasts about 1 month (for me).

What you have said next is like reading my mind. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's emotional well-being! Not b/c of selfishness...I just can't! And I don't know why I can't I see how much that hurts them...and what runs through MY mind is that for once, I want to be the comforted one, I want him to SEE to MY emotional well-being!

I too got too easily tired, exhaused with having to navigate the maze of daily small things he needed (my ex). I think I loved him but I just couldn't maintain the pace. I couldn't fake that everything was ok any more. And to him I probably am a puzzle to this day (we broke up ...still talk occasionally).

I never felt the need to run away from the relationship, but I didn't really understand why marriage was important to my spouse. We got married after 3 years of dating/living together. We've been married 8 years.

I do at times feel constrained in a physical way - the (sometimes anticipated, sometimes real) sensory overload makes me want to get away to a more open space.

Love is a tough question. I don't think I feel love in the NT way. I care about my wife and don't want any harm (physical or emotional) or hardship to happen to her. If we were to break up I would deeply miss her.

Agreed that I don't think auties experience love in the same way that NTs do. That kind of deeply affectionate, bonded unity is almost like a mythological creature to me. I've seen it ocassionally in others, even thought I was feeling it for short periods (one month is about right, then the claustrophobia sets in), but mostly it just doesn't seem real to me. As a yout', I thought I wanted it, but finally decided that for me at least, it's always destined to end in a Romeo and Juliet Mutually Assured Destruction. Besides, I have too many hobbies to be bothered with making someone else's life satisfied and happy. Anyone who comes into my space more than twice a week, even if it's just to have sex and then leave, is overstaying their welcome.

I too had the exhiliration....the claustro...the passive-aggressive...get the hell out syndrome.

Only until I met someone who didn't need me to manage their well-being. She just liked being with me, but was totally fine on her own. It was amazing. We can be in the same house and not interact. I can do my own things, and she does hers....

I admit that finding someone like that is difficult. It was intensely physical at first...but we connected immediately. She got all of my Aspie quirks...and thought I was unique. She didn't get irritated by my pedantic ways, and overanalytical monologues.

How much space you need is personal. You have to find someone who requires the same amount, and doesn't expect you to maintain their emotional house for them. They must be self-sufficient. That takes maturity and age...I find.

Good luck.