Feeling completely hopeless.....and sad

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I really need your guys advise….I have known my husband now for three years. He is very charming but he has a bad temper. During the three years I have known him he has acted in such ways: walking out the house for hours on end, punched steering wheel in the truck, yells and raises his voice, has hit or kicked things across the room, he has thrown his wedding ring at me. Just recently he has started cursing saying “f**k this….etc and telling me that I act like a b***h and just this weekend while we were at a meeting with our counselor he got angry and walked out. When I got home I found my personal things including my cat outside of my apartment, and he locked me out. He eventually let me in, I asked him if he wants to break up and go our separate ways. He said no. Well the next day he told me he was sorry, that he was acting like a jerk and he said he wants to be with me and does not want me to leave.

You guys I don’t know what to do….first of all does he want to end this or what? Why do people act in such ways if they don’t mean it? I feel like his personal punching bag and I don’t think I deserve this. I do believe that he loves me, but I think he has a major problem his anger and acting out. He went to anger management on the Marine Corp base, but he is still acting out. Again, I sat down and told him that I cannot take his outburst and one more and I am gone. But I don’t think he believes me…..What can I do? I don’t understand and am very confused by the way he behaves. How can people act in such ways and then tell you they were just being irrational because they were angry at the time, but they do love you? I don’t know what to do; does being angry and irrational make this ok? How do you separate it to know if you should stay or leave the relationship? I get upset to but my signs are very subtle and almost nonexistent that I am to my breaking point. But I feel so helpless and sad because it feels like continuous circle……………please help me, what can I do?

Leave him.


If he can't control himself in that way, just leave him.

From what I hear, I don't think he is even listening to you.

This is domestic violence.
The best thing would be to get a domestic violence counselor who you see by yourself, not a couples counselor. This person will help you to make the best decision for you. It is much more complicated than just leaving, although if you are ready to leave you will leave.
A domestic violence counselor will understand, for example, if you leave, then go back then leave again.
I have done domestic violence counseling off and on for many years.
I'd rather not say anymore because you need to be able to sit with someone and have them hear everything that is going on, including your reasons for staying and reasons for leaving and resources and a whole host of other things you might not want to share on a forum.
Also, if you find a therapist (this may be a separate person) with experience with Asperger's that will be helpful. The domestic violence counseling should be free. The reason I say find someone with Asperger's experience is because I left my partner of 10 years and had no idea how destabilizing it would be. I am still struggling two years later because all my established routines and coping strategies were gone.

1-800-799-7233 is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline; the number is active (I just checked) and the service is open 24 hours a day.
Here is the website
http://www.ndvh.org/

You should PM me if you want any more information and also realize that your posts on this site are not secure. You are on the general discussion forum and even the Members only is open to anyone who signs up as a member.

Hope things work out for you.

You do not deserve this. He does mean it. He has choices about how he controls and expressed his anger and he is aware of its effect on you.
He probably does love you, but that does not relieve him of responsibility for his behavior.
He probably doesn't believe that you would leave him because he believes that he controls you.
In domestic violence counseling, one of the first things you will learn about is the cycle of violence. You have described it, as well as its psychological effects, quite accurately.

Again, the best thing will be to get some counseling from an expert.

No one deserves that kind of treatment.
You have to do something to break the cycle.
If you just stay with him as things are then it will probably never stop.
He might feel guilty for the way he has treated you, but with no sense of attonement, he will keep going round and dragging you down.
At the very least he needs a wake up call to realize that his behavior is not acceptable and that you may very well leave.

I know i have to break the cycle but what do i do? I notice that these things happens when i don't seethings his way, or we have problems with comming up with comprising in various issue's. I want my words to mean something....."If i say i cannot handle this and if you don't get help or cotnrol yourself i am leaving." wouldn't a normal person take that seriously?

What can I do or say to show him that i am serious?

That's just it, we see a counsler that knows of AS, and works with my husband and I to try to understand each other so things like this won't happen.........

That seems serious to me. Have you told him that before, but went back to him? That might be why he doesn't take it seriously. Don't give him any more chances. Leave. Stop giving him warnings, threatening to do it, or talking about it. Really leave. He'll get the picture.



In my opinion, he might love the idea of you, he definitely loves controlling you, but he doesn't love you.

For the sake of your personal safety, leave him!

It is not the AS - it is him. You need to see a domestic violence counselor separate from him or you will not be able to make objective decisions about what is going on or what to do. A couples counselor may have an investment in keeping the two of you together that will make it hard to be objective about the abuse you are experiencing.
Try the hotline.
The more you know about domestic violence, the better decision you will make.
And you need to make it before things escalate to where you get hurt. It might seem accidental when it happens, but it will happen, and all the apologies in the world won't heal broken bones.

The way to break the cycle is to leave him. Leave, leave, leave.

Seriously, get used to the idea. If you can't do it yet, then plan your way out carefully, and quietly, and try to keep him as happy as possible until you have saved enough or found that escape route, but do it soon. You need to stop entertaining thoughts of things getting better- it isn't going to happen. It may get better for a few hours or days or weeks, but then it will happen again, and it'll be worse, a gradual but downhill spiral.

I am sorry if this sounds brutal and matter of fact, but I have been there and done that before. YOu will probably need a restraining order, too. Oh, and when you leave, he will likely makes all sorts of promises and cry and plead and beg....just replay the memories of his abuse when he does this, and ask yourself if you really want to find out how it is going to be worse, because if you go back, he will hold it against you that you left, and it will be much, much, worse. He isn't going to change...I'm sorry.