I recently stopped beating myself up over my parents

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I recently stop beating myself up over my parents never haven met my emotional and intellectual needs. All my life i drive myself crazy obsessing over why why why cant they be good parents. sure they was allways food on the table or gifts under the tree at christmas, but when it came to getting me a quality education, keeping me safe from bulllies or teaching about the world and how to survive it they where clueless. But no more. now im focusing on salvaging whats left of my life.

As someone who didn't get the things you dismiss as less important, be happy you have food, a safe home, and nice holidays. Stop obessing over what you don't get - those simple things are way more important.

You could have had parents that slap you around for aspie behaviours like some of us did.

my father has acutually hit me and hes liable to do it again at some future point.

This might not be your issue, but after decades of thinking about my parents/friends/etc. I think I don't have some receptor in me that can feel my emotional and intellectual needs being met. Parents really don't owe us a quality education, often they have no idea how difficult it is to walk around with a neon sign flashing 'victim' 'victim' to any bully walking by. Thirty years later I asked my folks 'why didn't you teach me about " " and they thought I had picked it up from just living with them. It's easy to see, they had no idea how my Aspie brain worked and didn't know what I didn't know. I did learn from them that I wasn't going to get what I needed from others so I had to do it for myself.

And as for getting my emotional needs met. . . It's like I have some bottomless pit inside me that all the love and intellectual understanding just goes whooshing down and finds no bottom to start piling up on. After a while I have learned that my folks, for what ever reason, were not able to satisfy what ever it is I needed and it wasn't so much 'their' fault as it was I just couldn't receive it as such. I noticed the same thing in other relationships, other friends, where there might have been a lot of potential for emotional or intellectual fulfillment, but nothing could sustain my devouring need for more.

your mileage may vary,

Merle

I do the same thing but for a different reason. I don't need more. In fact, I don't think I really need love and affection the way NTs do. I'm not sure why that bottomless pit exists. It is not because I can't get enough - I think it's just because I don't know where to put it. I got a lot of abuse/indifference as a kid, and if you combine that with AS, maybe it's just that I never learned what do to with what limited affection I am able to recognize.

exactly!
wow, that's pretty profound to have figured out, actually. I can recognize the love, but it like runs through me with no nourishment absorbed.

Merle

Heh. I don't sleep and end up with a racing mind for hours at a time, in the dark, while at the same time trying not to wake up my wife. Over the years I've come to understand a few things, I hope. Strength comes from within, right? We all know that much. Well, one of the truest tests of strength is to turn it inside out, to use it on yourself. True self examination is painful and the normal tendency is to stop when it becomes uncomfortable. It's even worse for those of us with abuse in our pasts. When you become good at it, though, you can start to make inroads into your limitations. You won't solve them all. There will be some you can't do alone. There are some you can, though, and each one will improve your life. I guess you could consider it self adminstered therapy.

Take this one, for instance. It's only half done. I've identified an issue - traced it back to a plausible root cause - but haven't worked out an end goal or a way to get there. Do I want to "fix" that? If so, what does "fix" mean? Do I want to simply accept it and make peace with it? What does either course mean to my wife, actively or passively?

Or, more immediately, what the f**k am I even talking about?

now, now. . .the unexamined life is not worth living! Who does it matter to but "me" anyway?

"""I recently stop beating myself up over my parents never haven met my emotional and intellectual needs. All my life i drive myself crazy obsessing over why why why cant they be good parents. sure they was allways food on the table or gifts under the tree at christmas, but when it came to getting me a quality education, keeping me safe from bulllies or teaching about the world and how to survive it they where clueless. But no more. now im focusing on salvaging whats left of my life.""""


I know how you feel. Thats the exact same of what I feel about what my parents are doing to my autistic brother. Check it out...maybe you'll find something on there to help.
My post is the one titled "Autistic brother needs help, parents won't help him" it won't let me post the link in here yet

Nightbender, do you mind if I ask how old you are?

I'm 47.
I've struggled with feeling like my parents never understood me at all and consequently didn't provide certain things for my life's education as well.

I started working on just accepting them for who they are/were and not trying to get more out of them, probably in my late 20's.

My mother passed away in February but I'm not all morose about it.
I don't feel any regrets about our relationship... it was what it was and nothing I tried would change it.

I hope you can accept things and find an understanding that will help you move on with your life and also find a way to accept your family and enjoy the better times with them.

yeah, my father used to unbuckle his belt and pull it all the way out of his trousers and sit, then beckon me to walk to him to, as he put it 'take my medicine.' I swear the walk to him was the hardest part, not the belt across my bare buttocks.

I was told I was 'lucky' because other children we not 'warned' before they were struck, and my parents did not do that.

all my subsequent lovers and husbands - when I heard that pant's buckle unbuckle and heard that clink-clinking sound I didn't even know my passionate drive to placate and distract through sex all went back to being trained by my father to be a whipped, cringing dog.

your mileage may vary,
Merle