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hopelessaspielover
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26 Apr 2008, 6:42 pm

okay, I need help from anyone who is in love with an aspie, but is NOT an aspie themselves. I know an aspie *his profile on here is: truthfultrout* who I love so very much that goes to my school. I've been lovestruck with him since last October *in 2007*, and I just can't help but feel so amazing when I'm around him. Now, he's been so understanding about the fact that I love him and he's so sweet to me about it *like, he tries his best to make me happy, and he makes sure I'm okay*, but he says that it's too hard for him to love. He says that he could try to love, and he wants to because he said that he knows it would make me happy, but he says there are 2 things holding him back: 1. He thinks he's unworthy of being allowed to love, and 2. He doesn't want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want to cause me any pain that he knows will eventually come. I've been trying my damndest to help him try to realize that he IS worthy and that I'll be okay if he hurts me, but it's not working. Does anyone have ANY suggestions as to what I should do?? I'm willing to try anything... even if it'll take years of convincing and standing by him to help him.



Last edited by hopelessaspielover on 26 Apr 2008, 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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26 Apr 2008, 6:50 pm

Well, I could probably bring up the fact that my girlfriend, who is not an Aspie, was crazy over me for years but even though I had wanted to be in a relationship, I couldn't bring myself to it because I felt that I was not worthy enough and I felt that it would end up worse for me in the end. Well, after about 3 years I finally gave it, I guess because there was a lot more trust that had built up over time. Listen to "Patience" by Guns N' Roses, that's pretty much our song.

Just take it as a friendship for a while longer, the odds are for you.


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Tim_Tex
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26 Apr 2008, 6:55 pm

Welcome to WP!


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26 Apr 2008, 7:03 pm

hopelessaspielover wrote:
he says there are 2 things holding him back: 1. He thinks he's unworthy of being allowed to love, and 2. He doesn't want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want to cause me any pain that he knows will eventually come.


I wouldn't know, but I think that even NTs are afraid of that.

I think it's so cute that you're sooooooo devoted to this person :D I wish you luck, and just be persistant.


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SabbraCadabra
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26 Apr 2008, 7:35 pm

Smack some sense into him? ;)

Seriously, though, I think it's just one of those things that takes time.

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Poeticromance
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26 Apr 2008, 7:51 pm

I dated a NT for a year and he knew there was something going on with me but didn't care. Love is love no matter what there mental disability is. If you really care about someone make your move xD



Poeticromance
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26 Apr 2008, 7:53 pm

I was in the same boat with my BF. I didn't feel worthy for him and I still don't. What you have to do is tell him what is so great about him and let him KNOW with your actions that you care for him.



RockyMtnAspieMom
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26 Apr 2008, 9:15 pm

I married an Aspie, and now I have 2 more!

:lol:



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26 Apr 2008, 9:22 pm

RockyMtnAspieMom wrote:
I married an Aspie, and now I have 2 more!

:lol:


O man, that makes me laugh.



lupin
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26 Apr 2008, 10:04 pm

Does anyone else feel that the original poster is rather cyber-stalking this person? Presumably, WP is where the object of this person's obsession comes to chill and hang out with like-minded people.. Personally, I would be mortified if anyone 'followed' me so publically to my own little corner of the web, especially when I'd made my position quite clear. I'd be so embarassed - and then very angry.

Is it loving to chase someone so publically and relentlessly? How caring is it to identify this person so publically? Does 'hopeless' have any thought for his feelings? Instead, 'hopeless', you appear to be fixated on how you feel when you're around him. To be honest, this sounds like an infatuation that is rampaging way out of control and nothing like love.

AS people, and especially younger AS people, are not always aware of this sort of obsession when it's directed at them - and nor do we know how to deal with being the object of such non-mutual interest. Often we're sitting ducks for the 'romantic' aspirations and obsessions of others.

Please, 'hopeless', consider how this young man is feeling and what he has said to you. If he is indeed on the spectum he will have told you the truth about how he feels and how he feels about you. ASDs are not psychological, the positions and ideas that we come up with are not so easily amenable to counselling and being talked out of. ASDs also mean delayed emotional development. It sounds to me like this young man has a lot of living and thinking to do before he is anywhere near loving you or anyone. There are no instant results with AS. This will take more time that it sounds like you actually have. Believe me, you're setting yourself up for hurt.



hopelessaspielover
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27 Apr 2008, 1:28 pm

"Does 'hopeless' have any thought for his feelings? Instead, 'hopeless', you appear to be fixated on how you feel when you're around him. To be honest, this sounds like an infatuation that is rampaging way out of control and nothing like love."

I'll have you know that I've been paying attention to his feelings and his reactions to the entire situation very carefully, because it would crush me to death if I knew that I was causing him any type of pain whatsoever. He tells me to let him know whenever there's something wrong and he doesn't enjoy talking about himself, and he thinks that one way to make me happy is by listening to my problems. He says he feels needed then, like he has a purpose. I will never take that away from him, so yeah, I do tend to talk about my OWN issues mostly around him, but it makes him happy to know that he's wanted, no matter the reason why. And you want to bet this is nothing like love? I'm sorry, are you in a relationship? Have you any reference to what love feels like? I love him unconditionally and would give anything to make him happy and I intend to stand by him for as long as I can. He cares about me as much as I love him, and I don't want anything bad to happen to us, but I'm just asking for ways to help him love because he's scared, is all.


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lupin
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28 Apr 2008, 9:27 pm

Hmmm. "I'll have you know..."

Why are you not asking this young man what he wants and how he feels?

Why are you not listening to him and going at his pace according to how he has clearly told you his fear dictates?

Why are you asking complete strangers about an issue that is entirely intimate and unique to you and this young man?

However do you think we should know any better than your young man knows himself?

Have you asked him how he feels about you asking WP visitors about the problems you perceive?

Do you really know exactly why he is so scared?


Personally, I'd be very scared of someone who posts my/our relationship issues in a forum full of strangers but where I go to chill out from the pressures of the NT world...

Why are you sorry about whether or not I am in a relationship?
What is the relevance?

You want to know if I am an 'archetypal' Aspie who 'cannot feel love'? Well, hopeless, that's a fallacy - people on the spectrum are very able to feel the depths and the heights of love. Mostly, we express it in ways that many NT people find unconventional apparently.

Equally, Aspie honesty usually dictates that we say if we love another person. Listen to what your young man is honestly saying to you.

No amount of you loving him unconditionally will make him love you in the ways that you seem to want. That goes for NT/NT relationships too. 'Unconditional love' tips very easily into 'doormat' and often leads to lack of the other's respect and lack of self-respect. Take care of yourself first and always. I don't think you're in a space to be able to really take this on board right now. But don't just take my word for this - write to a reputable agony aunt or two, check it out.

BTW, you won't get crushed to death if a) you realise that you are causing him any pain or harm and/or b) you both find that he cannot reciprocate your ardour for him.



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29 Apr 2008, 12:51 am

Danielismyname wrote:
RockyMtnAspieMom wrote:
I married an Aspie, and now I have 2 more!

:lol:


O man, that makes me laugh.


Me too.



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29 Apr 2008, 2:05 am

This situation sets off alarm bells for me for the same reasons it does for Lupin. It sounds to me a bit like manipulation: you aren't taking no for an answer. It looks as though you're just looking around for the magic action which will make things go your way. Human interaction isn't like that. I'm guessing you're quite young (although I guess the "school" bit also shows that!) because six months of infatuation really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. If your love really is unconditional then don't try to push him into something he's said he doesn't want.


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29 Apr 2008, 11:26 am

Droopy wrote:
Danielismyname wrote:
RockyMtnAspieMom wrote:
I married an Aspie, and now I have 2 more!

:lol:


O man, that makes me laugh.


Me too.


I have a new favorite quote. :D


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29 Apr 2008, 11:29 am

I'm courting a girl who knows that I have Aspergers. :D she thinks that some of my silly rituals are actually quite cute :D she says that I have an adorable "thinking face" when I try to figure out what something like "think outside the box" really means :D she's really sweet, and good with kids, and I like that she accepts me for who I am. More than that; she really likes me for who I am :D :D :D


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