I dont know how to show I care about him in a realtionship

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wob182
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13 May 2008, 5:28 pm

I'm starting a relationship, and I did tell him I have AS. But until last night he didn't get how much it impacted me.

He wanted to break up because he thought I didn't care about him because I never asked how his day went or how he's feeling. Or hug him as much as he hugs me. Hugging is weird and kissing, we were watching tv and I love leaned on his chest that's my type of affection.
He wanted to end it before it even started because he thought I was immature and only wanted a boyfriend so he could buy me things or keep me company or compliment me etc
So I became really frustrated when he said I didn't care about him because I do and I didn't know how to express it..

This really helped me understand why I left feeling hurt in my wiv my aspie ex, i thought he didn't care and when 3 months later i confronted him about it he got incredibly frustrated at the idea of him not caring about me.

Now, this current guy has said he broke up with a NT not me. So we talked all night and I told him how i've struggled and now its ok again, he keeps saying how much of idiot he was for almost dumping me for that. :D :D

But i still dont understand how to give and take and show I care.


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subtlerift
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13 May 2008, 6:37 pm

Buy him Grand Theft Auto 4? Seriously though, I think these things take a little work and lots of time. I know with my first serious girlfriend I had to learn what type of things she wanted me to do, then over time I learnt to do things naturally so that I didn't want to not do them.



wob182
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13 May 2008, 7:13 pm

I saw something when I was out with my family on a day trip, in those little gift shops it cost 50p (nothing really) a hacky sack, he's into sports its good for learning skills. I mean i thought of him and bought it. That shows i care right?

but you cant buy love all the time


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KingofKaboom
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13 May 2008, 7:29 pm

Time & Experience, thats teaches everything you'll need to know whats important is that you care and try and don't stop trying so long as you care.


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gbollard
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13 May 2008, 8:46 pm

I still have that problem with my wife.

She thinks I don't care when I don't ask her "how was your day".
I feel annoyed when I get asked about my day...

I expect that if there was anything we needed/wanted to tell each other about our day, we'd just "blurt it out" without waiting to be asked.

The same sort of thing happens with hugs and kisses. Sometimes I really, really need one and sometimes I feel constrained etc and just don't want to be hugged/kissed.

I can't really say - No... don't hug me etc.. she'd be offended and wouldn't understand. The problem isn't her, it's me. So, when I don't feel like it, I just "put up". Unfortunately, my body language often gives me away, or she'll say "that wasn't much of a kiss".

When it's the opposite, I'll sometimes go and hug her, but often she's not responsive or in the mood for a hug. Sometimes she thinks I'm after something else. So, sometimes, when I really do want a hug, I'll just "put up" with none.

Sometimes I'll explain or make excuses but often, it's just all too hard to explain without giving the wrong ideas.



thatone
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13 May 2008, 10:47 pm

I was on the NT version of that a while ago but didn't know he was AS at the time. People like to feel needed and that they have improved your life somehow by their presence.

A few suggestions: Call to say 'how are you' or 'I wanted to hear your voice'. If he's always calling you, call him sometimes. Compliments every now and then. Let him know you are interested in his life by asking questions about interests/activities/daily life/future plans. Remember this what he says and maybe bring it up sometimes. Involvie him in your life, or telling him about your interests, etc. Initiate physical contact (doesn't have to be hug or sexual).

A lot of that may seem useless and just 'show' but it does show you value them. You probably do some of this already.