I feel like I will always be a foreigner in my own country.

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Felinity
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15 May 2008, 1:54 pm

I've finally come to the conclusion once and for all, that no matter what I do, I will always
be like a foreigner in a foreign land... I will never have the feeling of really belonging in
my own country.. I've also been trying to decide on a career and going back to school to
possibly get my Master's degree. I think if I had my Master's degree, I would feel pride
and a feeling of accomplishment.. Yet, I don't know what actual career I could perform
without always feeling like the low-man on the totem pole and getting smirks and looks
of disgust from co-workers when they discover that I'm not like them...

I've thought about teaching, but doubt I could handle the abuse from the students or the
"talks" from the dean about my failing job performance because that's probably what
would happen like it's happened on all other jobs I've ever had that involved me being
around other people.. So, whatever job I have, it will have to be where I don't work with
people at all and I will accept that I will always be like a foreigner in another country
where ever I go.. that is my future...

The BEST job I ever had was when I had a route delivery for several years and my boss
was in another county and I only saw him a few times per year and I had NO co-workers...
If my van hadn't gotten totally wrecked, I would have still had that job -- but now,
because of my back injuries, I can't do the driving all day or lifting... I'm screwed...

I went and saw this new efficiency apartment yesterday that was a little cheaper and it
ended up being in crack-town..scary with meth addicts all around too... I CAN'T live like
that.. I would end up being so depressed around the gangs and addicts.. I need a better
life.. My body physically can't do the hard labor job of delivery work anymore.. It seems
like with an I.Q. of over 130, that there could be something more for me.. but with the
right hemisphere "deficiency" that ruins my ability to communicate and be understood by
other people, it leaves me having to go from job to job feeling like a failure. It's like when
I get a new job it's because I faked my way through the interview enough and it's only a
matter of time before the other people start to see through the act.. They will either hate
me and think I'm a con artist fake, or tease or just flat out ostracize me and my time at
that job will be very limited! This has happened dozens of times in my life and I'm tired of
it.. I'm tired of living like that.

I wish there was some hope for a career because time is running out for me.. I just can't
stand to be around people who abuse me because they don't understand me.. and that's
the way it is with any job being around people... Although, someone could tease me and
say they could stick me on an assembly line with other people all lined up, with no one
speaking.. in utter silence like a machine all day.. That's one thing that was mentioned
when I thought to apply for disability.. I could still work -- it would just have to be
something like that.. in a corner, away from people..I think I would rather take a bullet to
my head than end up working on an assembly line every day for 10 hours just so I
can afford my cracktown efficiency and either listen to gangs shoot each other all night or
watch a tv alone.. cause that's the only life I would have.. like a living hell..

Any suggestions? What Master's Degree program is there where you don't have to work with people in the chosen field? I thought about environmental work, working with animals.. but you usually have to work with a team of people though.. I worked with animals once and just like any corporate office, I was ostracized there too.. I'm running out of time.. Do any of you have Master's degrees and enjoy your work? I'm not real mathematically inclined though.. I can't work with software or engineering.. I've never had calculus, physics or chemistry either.. my undergrad was in social psychology.. I always liked studying abnormal psych and people who are different like myself... but to actually have a career doing that, it's kindof unlikely for me...



Last edited by Felinity on 15 May 2008, 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

KingdomOfRats
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15 May 2008, 2:13 pm

Felinity,
what about being a teachers aide for a special school [not EBD],or for younger children? am not sure about where are,but in this country now,they have teachers aides/assistants in every class.


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15 May 2008, 2:23 pm

I suggest you study something you have an interest in and become a consultant where you can do independent research in that field. I'm not sure how the laws for urban planning work in your country but in most developed countries, in order for the approval of any development proposal, the developer needs a clearance from the heritage governing body. A private developer would therefor appoint an independent heritage consultant to investigate what the imapact of a new development would be on any historical buildings or cultural sites in the area. In short, there is a shortage in that type of profession because heritage conservation is becomming more important, you don't have to study for years to become a heritage consultant, that type of research can be interesting, you work independently (from home if you like to, limited meetings) and believe me, they charge alot.


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tailfins1959
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15 May 2008, 2:24 pm

Keep trying. You'll figure it out. The key is to be cold and formal. You work to make money, not friends. There are very few lasting friendships in the corporate world. In fact, when "friends" betray each other in a corporate setting as they often do, you can be the beneficiary of not being "an enemy". Several "perks" have fallen into my lap that way.

One of the areas where I'm valued is that everyone knows that no gossip whatsoever comes from me because I don't socialize.


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krex
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15 May 2008, 3:22 pm

I am in the exact same boat and it is increasingly frustrating for me as well. I use to do pretty good at manual labor but I am 44 now and my body is giving out. I have a family history of joint ailments, so I am very nervous about getting carpel tunnel or worsening my arthritis. All of my bio sisters have had several surgeries and several are permanently disabled,so it is a real concern.

I have a BA in Psychology but did not realize that I would have so many problems communicating with people. I do well with clients, it's the other "professionals" that I can't communicate well with and I have never had a job that didn't have some nasty office politics, (Do people actually ever out grow the clicks and gossip of high school?)

Most of the factory work I did paid well and I liked it, the people were friendlier then in the more professional sectors, but many have moved over seas and the pay is not as good as they can get so much "cheap labor" here.

It is hard find any jobs that don't involve some human interaction but I have found one solution that has worked for me. I worked overnights for 8 years at a residence for teenagers. They can be noisy and challenging but if the program is more structured, it is tolerable. Problem...the pay is seldom more then a little over min wage to $$11.00 an hour in my state. They recruit college students in the field, so they can pay less. I could never have handled the noise in the day shift but over nights I mostly just talked to the kids one on one when they were having problems sleeping. I would have several hours to read while they were sleeping and I was interested in the field and many of the kids were nice to me.

I eventually left when they got new management and the place fell apart...it was sad. I then worked 4 years overnights at a residence for disabled. I was good at it and liked the guys. I was alone for all but 3 hours in the morning and we were busy, so there was no time for "socializing". They are really desperate for workers, most people don't like to be around disabled or change diapers...I never thought I would be able to do that but I got used to it and it wasn't bad. Again, the pay is not great. The place I worked hired mostly people from Liberia, which brought wages down. ($11 to 13 an hour). I did have several hours a night when I could be on the computer, read or work on crafts..that was nice. Why I quit...we got a violent client and it cause d me to much anxiety...never knew when he would "go off" or what he would do. I also could not stand many of my co-workers who were just incredibly lazy and sit on their cell phones or watch TV while I did all the work...drove me nuts watching the clients have to live this way.

Now I am working overnights with dogs at ******** hotel. I love the dogs but the barking really gets to me. They are seldom quit and it makes me feel constantly assaulted. Also, every holiday we have 120-140 animals there and they are constantly pooping. I have a lot of things I need to remember, each dogs personality, what laundry they have for check-outs, health concerns, their names. They stick 16 large dogs in a room that is smaller then my apartment living room..they can barely move and are very stressed out. We have to prevent fights while also cleaning up their "messes" and writing it all down...it's crazy stressful. It is not bad when there are less then 40-50 but holidays and summer it is 90 degrees, the dogs are barking,getting in fights and pooping everywhere....I have to get out. Summer is closing in.


So, my advice would be to check out possible social service jobs and overnights. I will probably go back to DD care and see if I can find a company that is more competent in hiring then the last one....I am not optimistic but I want to stay out of the getto too, been there and don't want to return, so I tolerate some of the job stress to avoid the neighborhood stress...I live very cheaply, thank goodness for thriftstores.


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matsuiny2004
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15 May 2008, 3:29 pm

Felinity wrote:
I've finally come to the conclusion once and for all, that no matter what I do, I will always
be like a foreigner in a foreign land... I will never have the feeling of really belonging in
my own country.. I've also been trying to decide on a career and going back to school to
possibly get my Master's degree. I think if I had my Master's degree, I would feel pride
and a feeling of accomplishment.. Yet, I don't know what actual career I could perform
without always feeling like the low-man on the totem pole and getting smirks and looks
of disgust from co-workers when they discover that I'm not like them...

I've thought about teaching, but doubt I could handle the abuse from the students or the
"talks" from the dean about my failing job performance because that's probably what
would happen like it's happened on all other jobs I've ever had that involved me being
around other people.. So, whatever job I have, it will have to be where I don't work with
people at all and I will accept that I will always be like a foreigner in another country
where ever I go.. that is my future...

The BEST job I ever had was when I had a route delivery for several years and my boss
was in another county and I only saw him a few times per year and I had NO co-workers...
If my van hadn't gotten totally wrecked, I would have still had that job -- but now,
because of my back injuries, I can't do the driving all day or lifting... I'm screwed...

I went and saw this new efficiency apartment yesterday that was a little cheaper and it
ended up being in crack-town..scary with meth addicts all around too... I CAN'T live like
that.. I would end up being so depressed around the gangs and addicts.. I need a better
life.. My body physically can't do the hard labor job of delivery work anymore.. It seems
like with an I.Q. of over 130, that there could be something more for me.. but with the
right hemisphere "deficiency" that ruins my ability to communicate and be understood by
other people, it leaves me having to go from job to job feeling like a failure. It's like when
I get a new job it's because I faked my way through the interview enough and it's only a
matter of time before the other people start to see through the act.. They will either hate
me and think I'm a con artist fake, or tease or just flat out ostracize me and my time at
that job will be very limited! This has happened dozens of times in my life and I'm tired of
it.. I'm tired of living like that.

I wish there was some hope for a career because time is running out for me.. I just can't
stand to be around people who abuse me because they don't understand me.. and that's
the way it is with any job being around people... Although, someone could tease me and
say they could stick me on an assembly line with other people all lined up, with no one
speaking.. in utter silence like a machine all day.. That's one thing that was mentioned
when I thought to apply for disability.. I could still work -- it would just have to be
something like that.. in a corner, away from people..I think I would rather take a bullet to
my head than end up working on an assembly line every day for 10 hours just so I
can afford my cracktown efficiency and either listen to gangs shoot each other all night or
watch a tv alone.. cause that's the only life I would have.. like a living hell..

Any suggestions? What Master's Degree program is there where you don't have to work with people in the chosen field? I thought about environmental work, working with animals.. but you usually have to work with a team of people though.. I worked with animals once and just like any corporate office, I was ostracized there too.. I'm running out of time.. Do any of you have Master's degrees and enjoy your work? I'm not real mathematically inclined though.. I can't work with software or engineering.. I've never had calculus, physics or chemistry either.. my undergrad was in social psychology.. I always liked studying abnormal psych and people who are different like myself... but to actually have a career doing that, it's kindof unlikely for me...


I would keep going do not give up. Why not continue your degree in social psychology? It is possile to learn social skills to communicate. you can talk to another psychologist esides yourself about this too. It has been done :)



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15 May 2008, 3:33 pm

KingdomOfRats wrote:
Felinity,
what about being a teachers aide for a special school [not EBD],or for younger children? am not sure about where are,but in this country now,they have teachers aides/assistants in every class.


Be aware that the developmental disability service system tends to have more social drama among staff than most systems. (Some other parts of human services also can be just as bad.)

This is, as put to me by several people who have worked as staff, and said that they've never seen so much pointless destructive drama, gossip, etc., as in this field and closely related ones.

I guess it might be because a higher percentage of do-gooders go into this field.


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15 May 2008, 3:45 pm

Sorry for getting off track but anbuend...ahve you noticed a trend in your area of hiring from out of country? The clinets had a lot of problems understanding the people I worked ith from Liberia(so did I) and they seemed to have little respect in the humanity of persons with disabilities. I am just wondering if this is just a trend in my own area of more wide spread?


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15 May 2008, 5:52 pm

krex wrote:
Sorry for getting off track but anbuend...ahve you noticed a trend in your area of hiring from out of country? The clinets had a lot of problems understanding the people I worked ith from Liberia(so did I) and they seemed to have little respect in the humanity of persons with disabilities. I am just wondering if this is just a trend in my own area of more wide spread?


I think I see this trend, as well. About three years ago, I was a patient in a psychiatric ward, due to depression. One such person was on the night shift. I wasn't sure what country she came from, but while I sat and cried my eyes out, she ignored me and did paper work. If it had been tactful ignoring, I wouldn't have minded. But she was clearly disgusted with me, and it showed.

During my work years, I have seen foreign CNAs, ( in the nursing home I worked at,)sitting on the patient's bed, and watching the patient's television with the door closed, ignoring said person although it was their bedroom and they were paying for that television service.


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15 May 2008, 11:19 pm

I literally feel like a foreigner. People keep saying my speech is dull, monotonous. Yeah, okay, it is.
People think I sound American! If I get one more stupid bogan asking me what part of the U.S. I'm from; someone's getting hurt.
I'm Australian, born in the Northern Territory.



Felinity
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16 May 2008, 12:36 am

Thanks for the replies so far. Krex, I can really relate to your post also. We seem to be in similar situations. I majored in Social Psych and find that communicating with people interferes with my ability to work in that field.. I DID help Alzheimer's patients.. but then, they don't notice my NLD.. they're too out of it already to notice.. but that was TOO depressing.. Anyway, hopefully we'll both find something new down the road that can work for us..

Hey PsychoJimmy, ha.. I'm from the U.S. and people always tell me I sound Australian! I've actually thought about moving to Australia.. the country appeals to me in alot of ways.. I was thinking of going back to school to get a Master's degree.. maybe in a field that could be useful for overseas and maybe they would let me immigrate.. I just wish I had a list of what occupations and Master's degrees they needed in Australia... that might help me determine which field of study to pursue.. anyway.. I can relate to what you said. Thanks for the reply.



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16 May 2008, 1:29 am

My advice, because I am getting a vocation in it, is GIS (cartography), the digital kind, not the survey type. It's somewhat simple, easy for a good IQ, and would probably require little social interaction. You'd work for a city or business, mapping out ideal locations for economic opportunities, or various structual placements (fire hydrants must full fill a sort of water area so no houses are burnt down from fire hydrants not able to reach it).

My professor told me with 5 courses of this, you can make 50,000$ a year, STARTING OFF. Stories of 80 - 140k salaries are told a lot too. I myself an a Social Science major with Geography Concentration, but I am taking GIS courses for my vocation. So I suggest you wiki up GIS and take a look. I have a hefty social problem too. Taken me 4 years to talk to a teach with..... less.... problem than when I started college. GIS was a simple class and a godsend for me, since I didn't think I could do any jobs good enough to make money.



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16 May 2008, 2:23 am

Felinity, you sound so much like me. If I were younger, I'd do a Master's in Information (or whatever it's called), where you train to work searching for info in books and the internet, and condensing it. You sound very well in writing, you're clear and to the point, which is what matters. In this profession, you work alone all the time and have minimal interaction with people and the politics. You're supposed to be focused in one thing and tune out the surroundings, so it's a good cop-out too. I think any kind of research is good for aspies.


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16 May 2008, 6:45 pm

Felinity wrote:
I just wish I had a list of what occupations and Master's degrees they needed in Australia... that might help me determine which field of study to pursue.. anyway.. I can relate to what you said. Thanks for the reply.


If you go Google Australia, they might have such a list on one of the websites. I saw lists like that on websites telling about moving to Canada or New Zealand.


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16 May 2008, 7:56 pm

I just saw a cool article on Iceland...that is sounding pretty tempting right now. If McCane gets elected...I'm "out of here", your on your own USA. :lol:


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