Modifying behaviour to fit better in relationship?

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Joined: 21 Apr 2008
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 489
Location: Nottingham UK

22 May 2008, 2:20 pm

Many thanks to everyone for their two penneth or cents or whatever. Some powerful points made all of which have been taken on board. I'm no less confused but it's always so reassuring to get some outside perspectives.

Aspie_Chav wrote:
To succeed you need to practice being NT like most of the time. It is the battle you fight outside the ring.

I like that and it's something to strive for. I am certainly guilty of not recognising problems early enough then burying my head in the sand. I could be improving a range of skills across the board if I can discipline myself into regular training. Anyone have any tips for organising time/self discipline?

Tim_Tex wrote:
...pretending to be in a certain clique, or selling our souls, or sacrificing good character.

Something I have certainly been guilty of in the past. I shudder to think about it looking back but I don't tend to notice myself doing it at the time! I have to start checking myself more.

LoveableNerd wrote:
The only reason to improve in any of those areas is for yourself, if you feel this other (less aspie) person is truly what you want to be.

The reason I have so much repect for her, I do genuinly believe I would be a better person in many ways if I could learn to be more like her. Time is a factor though and I realise it's not very realistic..

lelia wrote:
When you find someone who can accept you the way you are and is annoyed by only a few things (and I don't mean throwing plates against the wall annoyed), you might carry a note card with her desires to consult every so often.

That's the dream, although my current gf is nowhere near as outwardly aggressive as she probably has some right to be under the circumstances. I could not ask her for any more time or patience at this point certainly.

Veresae wrote:
A large part of it is what us aspies find difficult: controlling your emotions, for example. Arguements can kill a relationship and the slightest change of tone of voice can make all the difference in preventing one; oftentimes the worst ones are ones that are needless and about incredibly stupid meaningless things that aren't worth arguing about. It's not a matter of being untrue to yourself; it's about keeping control of yourself for the sake of the person you love.

Pretty much sums up a lot of the daily problems we encounter through misunderstandings or my face letting me down when I am trying to get outside myself and be more supportive to her without revealling the inner terror!

Beenthere wrote:
If it's driving her mad now...hate to say it...after a few years of marriage she could go insane, and you could grow pretty miserable trying to please her...

...There are things you can change... and as a result of changing grow as a person and an individual, but there are things you can't or that are impossible to change on a "permanant" basis because they are just part of the way you are "wired", and you need to be aware of yourself enough and honest with yourself enough to know the difference between the two

I am willing to concede this could turn out to be the case, I just want to make sure I am pulling my weight and doing everything that is reasonably possible for it to work out. Having said that I realise I have a selfish side and the last thing I want is to have a lasting and detrimental effect on her any more than I already have done. First port of call is working on the neediness for sure. I will talk to the psychiatrist when I get confirmation of the date. Knowing what I have to work with as a baseline would help somewhat I think.

Cheers people, I need to sleep on that and work on finding out who I am pretty darn quickly if this ever stands a chance. Either way I need to keep her interests at heart first and foremost.

Sorry for the excessive use of quoting. I don't use the tinternet that often sometimes and there's so much good stuff I just wanted people to know I have taken it on board.

Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

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Joined: 24 Mar 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 68

22 May 2008, 11:05 pm

lelia wrote:

And for you male aspies out there, here's a clue. Every woman wants her man to tell her he loves her EVERY DAY and to be non-sexually hugged every day (unless she has sensitivities, of course). Every single day whether you think it's needed or not. I need to remind myself of that with my husband. I could go days without touching him, but he would feel deserted if I did that.

For me. . .I agree I would really like to get that most days. . .