*§*AS-Parent Support Group*§*

Post Reply New Topic

thank you ouinon! i know this post is a year old but i'm so happy i found it. The parents forum has me so stressed out!! !!
i'm going to read this particularly thread post by post. its good for the soul.

Really need help...

I'm a single mom to two year old twins. I recently realized I have Asperger's after doing research about my son's behaviors, now realize he is fine, but all the clues were there about my own childhood, and current behaviors I still have,

Just got fired from my job, second firing in less than a year,

Extremely stressed when working, then taking care of screaming toddlers, no rest, very disorganized, now depressed, wondering if I will ever be able to work again, can't hold a job!

I put all my energy into keeping them happy, forcing myself out of isolation for thier sake, not easy to do, and checking my anger & exhaustion, putting up a happy front so as not to create a difficult environment for them, I love them more than anything, want them to have a happy mom and not an emotional mess like I am now,

No friends or family in the area, isolated from family anyway due to being misunderstood,

Looking for parents with Asperger's to get a sense of community and learn to cope with being a parent of toddlers, I wear earplugs around them, they are so loud, They go to daycare even though I am not working now, just four hours with them a night and I'm completely spent, sleep most of the day very depressed!

Everything online is for parents with AS kids, not the other way around...

Should I get a dx or find a psyc that can help me cope? Everyone tells me it will get easier when they are older, but what about work? I want to work at home but how will I make enough to support us? Thier father is not around, no support there. Can't get ssi/disability for AS? Not a disability?

Any advice or direction appreciated, glad I found this board.

Phoenixx77, wanted to give you a hug. I have one two year old and a husband to help and it's tough. I think it's extremely difficult for anyone to cope with twins, so I think it's a good idea to give yourself a break and not judge your job-holding abilities under these circumstances. When they are at school perhaps life gets easier (I'm beginning to wonder myself, the challenges just seem to evolve. But I think I will be able to think better then.)

How much are your children screaming/ crying? My darling is adorable and generally easy on the ears, but just recently she has developed a horrendous screech. Hoping it is a very short phase that will end tomorrow! BTW with her we have found that saying "Make nice noises" works very well, long before she could talk much. Now we add " use your words" and she switches from screeching to mumbling.

Are you getting out of the house for a walk every day? That is my top tip for dealing with depression, get out and walk in daylight as early as you can. Brush hair and dress as nice as you can and put on make up and smile (not at anyone in particular, just smile) - many people find that makes them feel better somehow, it might work for you too.

Is there anyone in the real world who can help you? Maybe it is time to give your family another chance to understand you? or, don't worry about understanding, just phone and say "I need help." Your babies are at a critical age when they need you to be happy, as you say. And your family is their family too - let them meet up, take a good book and put your feet up and let them play? Would that work?

I am what is being called NT but raised by Aspies. Absolutely the only way I learned anything about the warm supportive loving aspects of being part of a family and society was by going to school and when old enough, babysitting. Maybe it would have been less painful to have been homeschooled cause nobody would have teased and mocked my sisters and me but I never ever could have functioned as a social human being if I had not had some exposure to warm loving open caring people. My Aspie parents obsessions were not enough to sustain 4 daughters through life. Take my word for it, unless your children are fully raging Aspies, send them to school and let them be part of society if they want. Support their longing to be affiliative and connected even if it is beyond you.

the problem is that school does not equal society.

I am a young mum with 2 children. I suspect that i am AS after just getting my 2yr old diagnosed with moderate to severe autism. I do a lot of things that he does and I thought he was just like me until i saw how different he was while i was at the hospital after giving birth to my daughter. I would see all the other toddlers come in and my son wasn't like them.

I got really interested in autism and it was my major interest for about 5 months. I was so absorbed, I didn't even think to read about Asperger's.LOL. When i did, it just sort of clicked. I have realised that a lot of "fiddling" that i do is actually stimming. I am really bad socially and don't have friends. I force myself to take my children out everyday to socialise. I talk nonstop and it is always about my special topic. I just cant seem to stop it unless i am perfectly quiet and don't say a thing.

I am a single mom w/ undiagnosed AS (163/200) and diagnosed ADD with a son (age 11) diagnosed AS w/ ADD. We are a lot alike. I think he manages better than I did socially but I never had the degree of sensory issues that he has. I am able to help him with things that I have learned (not that he listens) but I worry about my ability to help him with things I still struggle with. I can at least give him a safe haven where he is free to be who he is but I want him to be able to manage life better than I have been able to. I'm too tired to think of a specific issue but I just wanted to say I'm glad to see this thread. I think AS parents have unique issues to deal with. Personally if an NT parent wants to drop by and offer an insight, I'm glad to hear it.

This thread seems to have got lost in the *noise*.... A shame as there have clearly been enough people interested to make it worthwhile. The pattern with social groups in general is that if the group has similar interests to you, you will join, the group will grow and *lean* a little more in your direction - and away from those who are different. I suspect most AS parents of NT children would *move along* as there doesn't seem to be much here for us..

Anyway...

Having confidence as a parent is difficult for us when we have been made to feel our utter *wrongness* in most things we do. From my viewpoint, much of what passes for 'normal' parenting is 'wrong', but it is parenting according to the overwhelming majority opinion, hence the parents are confident in their correctness. They may damage their children, but at least their children will be damaged similarly to all the others ....


Insight from an NT? I think it's human nature that we only make the effort to think deeply about anything, when things go badly wrong. Or when we can profit from it in some way. As long as everything is 'fairweather', we're happy, our children are causing no problems etc, people in general just accept it. It's when problems appear, when our life seems radically different to those around us, that we start to ask questions.

Most people seem to get 'reinforced' by feeling similar to most other people. It's something we lack as our experience is of feeling different, and usually wrong. So this adds extra problems to parenting. No peer group support.

A good thing about threads like this is to find you are not alone. Hearing the viewpoint of other AS parents reduces the feeling of being totally isolated and uniquely disadvantaged. Well, I've felt that at times, still do occasionally.

I'm so glad you perked this thread up . I hope it continues. If I have done one thing right it is to keep the lines of communication open with my son. He's not afraid to tell me how he feels and when he has a conflict with someone else we can discuss his options calmly.
I love your wicked signature

So an AS parent is more likely to think about/question things? Perhaps. Or maybe an AS parent just has more practice being outside his/her comfort zone.

Here is an example of a typical conversion that goes on when i'm with other parents:

Parent 1:
My child refuses to do X. Everyone else seems to have a child that can do X, so it must be important for my child to do X. How can i get my child to be like everyone else. How do i make/manipulate/cojole/force my child to do X?

Parent 2 thru Y (where Y=number of parents in the room - me):
I have/had the same problem! My trick/treatment is blah blah blah.

Me:
Do you know *why* the child refuses to do X? Do you know why it is that important to *you*? What happens if the child doesnt do X? If most children are resistant to doing X, perhaps there is an inherent reason. What is the reason for doing X in the first place. When did it start? Did we do it? Why? Why? Why? blah blah blah

Yes, as a generalisation. What you say about being outside the comfort zone is interesting, I feel as if I'm nearly *always* outside of it to some extent, unless I'm by myself. Sometimes other people say things that surprise me how upset they seem by a small thing - mismatching wall tiles, or something. And maybe those things could only be so upsetting when your life is just an endless chain of nice, comfortable situations that cause you to feel wonderful.



So well put!! ! Yes, exactly *that* conversation. Which is probably why I am generally ignored by the other parents.

I just spent the last two hours reading this thread. I can't believe I've been away from WP for over a year. I've been busy - I managed to finish my master's degree and starting teaching at a community college last semester. It's incredibly demanding - so many people to deal with on a daily basis.

Since I've been gone, my children have grown up and moved out. I have an empty nest, and I really like it. I'm still having problems as a parent, though. My 20 year old daughter can't stand my partner so she won't see me unless he's not around. So I don't see her very often. My 19 year old is mad at me because her boyfriend convinced her that I'm a bad person. So she won't even talk to me. The holidays were lonely this year.

I always thought parenting would get easier as they got older. It never got easier for me. Just less time-consuming. I wonder if I'd have a better relationship with them if I didn't have AS.

Being a parent with AS parenting an AS child is definitely an experience when my son was born I had severe post partum depression and basically just checked out and nursed him . Oddly enough he began speaking at 9mo (but didnt crawl )and now at 7 yrs old test at high average-high intelligence with a solid 4th-5th grade reading level. People tell me I should understand him because I am AS they dont seem to understand that in the day to day struggles of life this is actually much harder. My 4 yo daughter is very NT though I suspect some auditory processing problems I often say she got both of our missing social skills combined . She is so easy to deal with and completely knows how to deal with me this only makes her brothers differences more apparent , he adores her but hates her for this. I want so badly to have a good relationship with my son but its so hard when neither of us know how to communicate and we both melt down sometimes simultaneously no fun as you can imagine.

Yeah I have one who is NT and the other I think is aspie. It is much easier to get along with and communicate with the NT daughter. I can understand what my "aspie" daughter is going through, but she is very resistant to me and won't talk to me at all these days (she's 18 so I can't help her in the slightest). If she'd let me in I think I could help her understand what she's going through. I'm hoping this is just a phase and she'll change soon. Also, when she melts down it tends to make me lose it as well.

Last edited by MsTriste on 03 Jan 2010, 1:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

speaking as someone around that age
I donno
teens don't tend to be open with their problems and the AS makes it even more of a closed issue
I don't talk to my parents about anything

mind you they couldn't help to save their lives so I don't waste my time

My son is undiagnosed (waiting...waiting..waiting..) AS. Upon researching I've realized I share many many many traits. I don't plan to seek diagnosis for myself but I consider myself AS.

I don't regret my choice to have kids. I am an amazing mom. It's my passion, and my kids are wonderful and the biggest joy in my life.

I'd like to see such a forum.