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blackcat
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04 Jun 2008, 3:18 pm

I have suddenly become very angry at the fact that no one in my family ever noticed what I was going through as a child. My cousins thought I was just a weird smart kid, but they were kids to. There were NO adults that noticed anything. My grandparents recently told me that they had no idea that I was being bullied. How could they not know? I was "sick" all the time. I called them from school begging to go home but they always talked me out of it. Other than Kindergarden,3rd, and half of 5th I never had friends. I had that friend through our parents friendship.From 1st grade on up people absolutely despised me. I remember one day, in 4th grade, the teacher left the room and the entire class ganged up on me.They called me stupid, and ugly, teachers pet, dictionary girl...so many other. A few had the nerve to come up and shove me. They kept on and on until I finally snapped and proceded to scream, kick my desk over, and throw whatever my hands could get ahold of at them. I was mocked in PE for not being able to do activities. I was too clumbsy. I couldn't process left and right quickly enough and would bump into people. Dance exercizes were the worst. Third grade, I got along with everyone. I had been moved to Mobile with my mom and the school I went to was for the "gifted". There were so many that were similar to me and they all liked me. I was weird but so were they and it was a good thing to students and teacher alike. Fifth grade started out well but then people started to "joke" with me about how interested I was in science and the weird questions I would ask. Eventually they became aggressive and labled me as a know it all. I had 2 REAL friends that year. One was swayed by the majority, the other belived lies. She was told that I had made up a story saying that she had bled all over the bleachers while on her period. Right...I would say that. All my mom ever seemed to notice was that I talked too much in class and that my dicipline would be unsatisfactory after a fight. That is all that she cared to take notice of. Never WHY I kept getting in fights.
All my life I have been very awkward. I just never realized what it was until I entered middle school. I have always had a knack for saying the wrong thing no matter what. Or thinking that I had a friend when I really did not. I used to pay people to play with me. I gave them toys or my lunch money. I thought that was normal. That all friends did that.Because my vocabulary was always far above grade level people found me snobish when I spoke to them. I later stopped talking to people very much at all. They found that snobbish as well. Like I thought I was better than them or something.
My eye contact has never been quite right. Until about 6th grade I would stare and not look away from the person that I was talking to. That was creepy. After 6th grade I stopped looking at all and, while it still caused problems, people seemed to accept it more.
I dunno what else to say....I just cannot believe they(my mom and grandparents)never noticed. The are all acting like I suddenly became the mean, weird person in 6th grade. I have BEEN different. I am NOT mean I have merely gotten used to being left alone. Now they are all offended because I would rather not be around people. I am stupid because I do things that they would not do(lying under my mattress, spinning in circles, ect)because I should grow up and stop doing them already. They are JUST noticing that I do not get most expressions and figures of speech. They tell me to use common sense and stop acting like there is something wrong with me. I am being stupid because certain sounds bother me, and I do not like to be touched all the time, and certain textures are just impossible to deal with. I was put out of the car recently for covering my ears whild the baby cried. I don't get it. She is loud, I covered my ears. What is the big deal? ::sigh:: I am going to stop now. I have writtedn too much, and it is not like anyone will actually read this.


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krex
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04 Jun 2008, 3:36 pm

Well I like to read and I read it all.

You sound a lot like me. My parents told me, (when I was 22 8O ), that they knew something was "wrong" with me at least from 8 years old but they did nothing because they were Christian Scientist and believed they could "pray" me "better".

I know it is hard not to be angry that they would see me drowning and not do anything that I found helpful but that was 40 some years ago, when there was no information about AS, (not that they would have bothered reading it because that is against their religion .)

It sounds like your family are not very intelligent and lack the desire for information that many AS have...you just have to look at it as "their disability" and they will never receive any help for it...sad,huh. To go through life not only ignorant but satisfied with being ignorant . You can be angry, I think that is normal when you feel "injustice" but your time would be better spent in trying to find ways to get out-side help from someone who understands AS to function the best you can. Eventually you will want to find a more supportive environment. We don't appear to have a choice in who are family is or what their neurology is but we can have some control over who we surround ourselves with as we get older. You need to create your own support structure for getting out of you situation eventually.

Do you have a local support group for aspies ? Could you create one with some help with a social worker or a counselor? You are never going to change your families neurological problem any more then they can change yours. I know it is painful and frustrating but it is the truth.


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Detren
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04 Jun 2008, 3:42 pm

I'm with you on the "why didn't they notice" thing. After I told my mother that my son was diagnosed, someone at work gave her something to read on Asperger's and she was like... "wow, you might have this."

Most of my traits are more subtle, but still. I was "wiggly" and told to stop being wiggly. I figure it was stimming to an extent? I was able to disguise/adapt it to more normal or unnoticeable. I would move my tongue back and forth between my bottom teeth instead of moving more noticeable body parts, move my hand but only when it was in my pocket, like i would be playing with something, that kind of thing. I ALWAYS had something in my mouth. Especially those little hot wheel cars (I would lick those screws on the bottom of them, don't ask...) My eye contact isn't right, but it's not seriously noticeable. I'm always on the "edge" of a social circle, never quite in, always a third wheel thing going on. I would play with children much younger or much older than me if given a chance when younger.

Then again, isn't it an AS thing to research these things? Some people just don't see something until someone else mentions it, AND gives them information about it, then you have to go through a denial period for them about how they missed it, or a "I WOULD have noticed it if this was true thing" maybe they just cannot accept the fact that they could have not noticed something so big. A lot of little pieces make a big picture.

The mattress thing, I just don't get. If you can't stand people touching you (I have a HUGE personal bubble) then how can you stand something like that one you? Just doesn't seem like the two things would fit together. A one or the other mentality? I don't know. I'll just say you can keep your mattress, as long as it doesn't have to be on ME, we're cool.

Oh, and yes, people do read these things. :wink:



Lene
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04 Jun 2008, 4:07 pm

I completely feel the same. I haven't had a close friend since year 4 in primary school, before we moved home. But I did well in school, so my parents never noticed. Or it never bothered them that I never invited anyone home, or that I was frequently in tears. They knew about me self-harming yet did nothing about it for years (I'll be honest, it was a cry for attention; once my mum started to lose her temper over it, I stopped). I'm finally going to see someone, but I keep thinking there's no hope and that it's too late to actually change the way I think (like you, I have started to voluntarily avoid people). I don't blame my parents for not recognising I had As- at the time, it was pretty unheard of, but I can't believe they never realised something was wrong.

I can understand the mattress thing; sometimes the pressure can be comforting. :)



nettiespaghetti
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04 Jun 2008, 4:12 pm

I am angry at my parents for turning their heads. The thing with it is, I tried to tell them things weren't right. I was constantly faking sick so I didn't have to go to school. I missed so many days each term that they'd get a letter in the mail stating I could only miss one more day and then they'd mark my grades down. I told them all the kids were mean to me and hated me and they did nothing. They told me I shouldn't care. (yeah great advice). I told them I wanted to buy new clothes (not that this would have really helped) because that was just one more thing they found to pick on me. They wouldn't even do that for me. When I say they did nothing, I mean NOTHING. Never found my behavior the least bit strange, didn't listen to me when I did talk. It's really no wonder I basically stopped talking entirely and try to avoid doing so because I'm so sick of people judging me and treating me like crap.


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04 Jun 2008, 4:21 pm

Never too much when it comes to pouring out your thoughts.

The anger is understandable... sadly, to an extent, so is the situation. My parent knew I was bright; they believed all my problems were because I wasn't on the same level as my peers. And to an extent, they were right. But they never looked further, probably because in their generation the situation was dealt with commonly as your parents are treating you - press harder, focus on the incidents instead of the causation. For me, my experience was well before the spectrum expansion in the 1990s - I don't hold them responsible for something they couldn't know. It still aches, though... when you write about PE class, about changing schools, about the difficulty in maintaining and creating friendships, about being unable to talk to those in your peer group... those things resonate strongly in me. Let yourself be angry, and then try to let it pass through... sometimes, those we expect to support us do not understand how; other times we find our niche in the strangest of places.

M.


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blackcat
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04 Jun 2008, 4:25 pm

Detren wrote:
I'm with you on the "why didn't they notice" thing. After I told my mother that my son was diagnosed, someone at work gave her something to read on Asperger's and she was like... "wow, you might have this."

Most of my traits are more subtle, but still. I was "wiggly" and told to stop being wiggly. I figure it was stimming to an extent? I was able to disguise/adapt it to more normal or unnoticeable. I would move my tongue back and forth between my bottom teeth instead of moving more noticeable body parts, move my hand but only when it was in my pocket, like i would be playing with something, that kind of thing. I ALWAYS had something in my mouth. Especially those little hot wheel cars (I would lick those screws on the bottom of them, don't ask...) My eye contact isn't right, but it's not seriously noticeable. I'm always on the "edge" of a social circle, never quite in, always a third wheel thing going on. I would play with children much younger or much older than me if given a chance when younger.

Then again, isn't it an AS thing to research these things? Some people just don't see something until someone else mentions it, AND gives them information about it, then you have to go through a denial period for them about how they missed it, or a "I WOULD have noticed it if this was true thing" maybe they just cannot accept the fact that they could have not noticed something so big. A lot of little pieces make a big picture.

The mattress thing, I just don't get. If you can't stand people touching you (I have a HUGE personal bubble) then how can you stand something like that one you? Just doesn't seem like the two things would fit together. A one or the other mentality? I don't know. I'll just say you can keep your mattress, as long as it doesn't have to be on ME, we're cool.

Oh, and yes, people do read these things. :wink:


people touch lightly and it makes my skin crawl. The mattress is very heavy and makes me feel good. I do not really know how to explain it.


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pbcoll
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04 Jun 2008, 4:43 pm

I resent that I was told to just ignore bullies instead of being sent to self-defense lessons. Apart from that, i's not my parents' fault, nobody had ever heard of Asperger's where I grew up and I'm sure that hasn't changed.


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04 Jun 2008, 5:34 pm

You described ME well as well. And MY parents didn't seem to care either. Few do.

Quote:
My cousins thought I was just a weird smart kid, but they were kids to. There were NO adults that noticed anything.


With me, EVERYONE noticed.

Quote:
My grandparents recently told me that they had no idea that I was being bullied. How could they not know? I was "sick" all the time. I called them from school begging to go home but they always talked me out of it. Other than Kindergarden,3rd, and half of 5th I never had friends. I had that friend through our parents friendship.From 1st grade on up people absolutely despised me. I remember one day, in 4th grade, the teacher left the room and the entire class ganged up on me.


Same here. I had a friend nursery school to 4 that was due to my mothers friends.

Quote:
They called me stupid, and ugly, teachers pet, dictionary girl...so many other. A few had the nerve to come up and shove me. They kept on and on until I finally snapped and proceded to scream, kick my desk over, and throw whatever my hands could get ahold of at them.


They called me a lot of names also. INCLUDING teachers pet, professor, etc...

Quote:
I was mocked in PE for not being able to do activities. I was too clumbsy. I couldn't process left and right quickly enough and would bump into people. Dance exercizes were the worst.


I was the SAME WAY!

Quote:
All my mom ever seemed to notice was that I talked too much in class and that my dicipline would be unsatisfactory after a fight. That is all that she cared to take notice of. Never WHY I kept getting in fights.


Well, I only fought when things REALLY got bad.

Quote:
All my life I have been very awkward. I just never realized what it was until I entered middle school. I have always had a knack for saying the wrong thing no matter what. Or thinking that I had a friend when I really did not. I used to pay people to play with me. I gave them toys or my lunch money. I thought that was normal. That all friends did that.


With me, I made friends because someone gave me a chance or just dumb luck. That wasn't common. As for pay? I "loaned" money KNOWING I would NEVER get it back. I never did.

Quote:
Because my vocabulary was always far above grade level people found me snobish when I spoke to them. I later stopped talking to people very much at all. They found that snobbish as well. Like I thought I was better than them or something.


Same here, but I just tried to use more common words.

Quote:
My eye contact has never been quite right. Until about 6th grade I would stare and not look away from the person that I was talking to. That was creepy. After 6th grade I stopped looking at all and, while it still caused problems, people seemed to accept it more.
I dunno what else to say....I just cannot believe they(my mom and grandparents)never noticed. The are all acting like I suddenly became the mean, weird person in 6th grade. I have BEEN different. I am NOT mean I have merely gotten used to being left alone. Now they are all offended because I would rather not be around people. I am stupid because I do things that they would not do(lying under my mattress, spinning in circles, ect)because I should grow up and stop doing them already. They are JUST noticing that I do not get most expressions and figures of speech. They tell me to use common sense and stop acting like there is something wrong with me. I am being stupid because certain sounds bother me, and I do not like to be touched all the time, and certain textures are just impossible to deal with. I was put out of the car recently for covering my ears whild the baby cried. I don't get it. She is loud, I covered my ears. What is the big deal? ::sigh:: I am going to stop now. I have writtedn too much, and it is not like anyone will actually read this.


Well, I have done funny things ALSO that people mistreated me about. As for kids? The VOLUME, The ECHO, sometimes the FREQUENCY, they ALL get to me!

I WISH I could help you. Heck, I should tell you what I have been threatening HERE if they don't fix the fire alarm. I told them that a firealarm is NOT to notify people about a fire! It is to get people to LEAVE!! !! ! Yet the alarm was constant, and GREATLY slowed my ability to get out. I might have NEVER left if I didn't have ear plugs.



canzosis
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01 Nov 2017, 12:51 pm

Blackcat,

Everything you said resonates with me... even the heavy mattress and spinning in circles. We could probably swap stories and not miss a beat.

The only difference is I enjoy contact haha. It helps me feel at ease.

I feel bitter all the time with my family. I'm learning to get over it. Let's just say I haven't learned much quite yet. The further away from them the more I am getting less bitter.

If you would like to talk further, please feel free to send me a PM.


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12 Nov 2017, 2:35 am

I would have quite liked to have a reason for all I was drowned under but even the things I managed to swim or wade through, well it would've been more liquid than cloying and curdled swamp if I had a measure of what the heck it all was that coated everything and muddled the lines! Many of us have very traumatic roads we've traversed but we acquired the knowledge and can just do the best we can with the wreckage and the wisdom that being autistic has blessed/burned us with. Bitterness is okay to feel coarsing along. If it represents the dominant and brightest ingredient that stains your walls I would worry and seek a therapist or long hard appreciation of the whole landscape as that is not a healthy balance to maintain and the past is something that is all pervasive and diagnosis/realization should lead to progression and acceptance eventually, not a tomb of wasps continuing to sting. We have to create further meaning with what we've uncovered about ourselves once we can grip it, there's always a later point we could have realized, or even have bit the dust without learning about what we'd contended with so courageously. It's certainly a hell of a ride learning in reverse.


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AngryAngryAngry
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12 Nov 2017, 2:55 am

Yeah, I new I was a little eccentric.
But my family knew that I was very different.
In fact they thought I was weird, but never considered telling me, or getting me checked out.
They didn't really care, even though they saw me struggling, once I left home.

I also had a severe disease which affected me at home and once I'd left.
This also put me in danger.
But did they mention this to me, so I could find a way to treat it? No.
Infact they were using it to take advantage of me.

Now that I know of my two deficits, I can move forward, finally I can excell in life.



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12 Nov 2017, 4:41 am

When I was very little my family used to wind me up intentionally because they thought it was funny. When I was 17 is when things started to get really hard and I started feeling depressed and suicidal my parents response to this was to make my life harder. I Had no idea Autism could even be a possibility until I was 19 and jumped off a building and then my mother pretty much straight away was coming out with Autism which really angered me because she is a teacher and I suspect she had considered I had it for years. I too would say I was very bitter.



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12 Nov 2017, 6:22 am

Daniel89 wrote:
When I was very little my family used to wind me up intentionally because they thought it was funny. When I was 17 is when things started to get really hard and I started feeling depressed and suicidal my parents response to this was to make my life harder. I Had no idea Autism could even be a possibility until I was 19 and jumped off a building and then my mother pretty much straight away was coming out with Autism which really angered me because she is a teacher and I suspect she had considered I had it for years. I too would say I was very bitter.


I can relate a bit. Mine definitely wound me up and ignored signs of struggle, an increasing drinking problem (in the past), etc. I was in the gifted program in school, so any signs of struggle were viewed as defiance or laziness on my part.


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Daniel89
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12 Nov 2017, 7:12 am

HighLlama wrote:
Daniel89 wrote:
When I was very little my family used to wind me up intentionally because they thought it was funny. When I was 17 is when things started to get really hard and I started feeling depressed and suicidal my parents response to this was to make my life harder. I Had no idea Autism could even be a possibility until I was 19 and jumped off a building and then my mother pretty much straight away was coming out with Autism which really angered me because she is a teacher and I suspect she had considered I had it for years. I too would say I was very bitter.


I can relate a bit. Mine definitely wound me up and ignored signs of struggle, an increasing drinking problem (in the past), etc. I was in the gifted program in school, so any signs of struggle were viewed as defiance or laziness on my part.


I was in special needs in my first primary school then I ask my parents to move me to a new school, the newer one was much better and I was out of special needs within a year or two but my teachers considered me very lazy when in reality I was just not paying attention because of boredom and was daydreaming.