Can you help me understand my husband?

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Joined: 6 Apr 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 261

12 May 2009, 5:50 am

I know this is a year old thread... but I thought worth adding.

the book "Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work" is written by the NT wife of an Aspie, they have been together over 17 years.

He also has a serious sports interest.... maybe a good connection with the material.


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Joined: 11 May 2009
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323
Location: New Mexico, USA

13 May 2009, 8:09 am

Just from my gut...
YOU need to get professional advice & support and I'm always curious about why folks are so quick to suggest it for others without taking their own advice. It's not easy being in a relationship with an Aspie who is trying their heart out to keep things going, let alone one like the person you describe.

The letter is an excellent idea... but I'd keep it short, simple and ask him what would feel loving to him, what can he accept? Our wiring is different, what with hypersensitivities and scrambled inputs/processing... what seems loving to you may feel overwhelming and aggressive to him. But start simple, and if he responds allow the complexity of the letters grow gradually.

I know I do best with concrete statements... I mean, really what is love? It's different for everyone, near as I can figure. To someone with an emotional disability the word really means little. I love chocolate and I love my partner, but they each require a different interaction (at least that's been my observation so far LOL).

I would so not leave the books lying around... that's tricky and he'll pick up on the deceit. Educate yourself, but don't try and trick him or lay traps for him. Really, really don't. Act on your new knowledge by exploring through questioning, not delivering a diagnosis or categorizing him.

The things you want of him may not be a realistic expectation, in terms of traveling and parties. But perhaps, if he will respond to a note from you, you could work up to shared, quiet activities (here I'm thinking early morning walks, before sensory stimulation becomes overwhelming outside or gardening together).

Take an objective look at the environment he keeps himself in... dark? predictable? quiet but for the monitor? Whatever is there is the level of stimulation he can handle...

Are you a chatty sort of person? Do you try to 'bring him out of his shell' by talking a lot? That drives me right up a wall and I will avoid that person in future.

You may need to make a lot of adjustments to enable him to come out of his 'cave'... if he will. Keeping windows covered, minimizing the talking, quieting your movements... like I said, you need to get professional support, because these may be unreasonable and oppressive restrictions, creating unhealth in you...

Good luck,