The Funny Jokes Thread

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A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back.

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle."

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bar tender comments - "that looks uncomfortable"

"yeah" the man replies, "it's driving me nuts"..

Q: What kind of a house would a proctologist live in?
A: A bungalow.

I'm in such bad shape that I went to see my doctor and he told me, "you're gonna die, b***h."

One day, scientists isolate a chemical that, when ingested, elicits exactly the same rewards as successful social interaction. It's released as an addictive in Pepsi, and also in distilled form. Addiction to the stuff explodes the way Opium swept China. Everyone stays at home drinking it except for autistic people, who get violently nauseous and throw it up. Then the earth is flash-fried by a giant solar flare.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." this time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies... "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

A guy with an ostrich goes into a restaurant. The waiter comes and asks the man what he's like to eat. "I'd like the soup of the day and a grilled cheese sandwich. "I'll have the same" says the ostrich. The waiters them what they'd like to drink. The man says "A medium coffee, please.", and the ostrich says "I'll have the same" and the waiter continues "Anything for dessert?" the man says, "I'll have cherry pie with vanilla ice cream. And the ostrich, unsurprisingly, says "I'll have the same."
Finally the waiter can't hide his curiosity any longer. "Sir, why do you have an ostrich who orders the same food you want with you?"
The man explains, "Well about a week ago I found an old oil lamp. I rubbed it and sure enough, a genie came out. The genie said that the last guy who freed him didn't use his last wish so he's giving it to me but no extra wishes. So after thinking long and hard I told him...
I wish for a long-legged chick from a far-off, exotic land who does everything that I want to do."