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Hi, everyone.

First my "stats"

Real name: Ken
Age: 29
Job: Metallurgical Engineer
Current home: Davenport, IA ( Originally from WI, and wish I still lived there)
Diagnosis: Self-diagnosed, but have an appointment to talk to a psychologist
Relationships (romantic): One girlfriend in my entire life, but many, many attractions that were never acted upon.
Relationships (Platonic): All the real friends I ever had were the group of "theatre-freaks" that I ran with in high school. We were all different in our own ways and I suppose that drew us together. Still close with most of them, but they have all integrated themselves into mainstream society with much more success than myself.
Favorite TV show:The Simpsons! (duh)

I first heard about AS a couple of months ago through a story on NPR and immediately recognized myself in some of the descriptions. Of course, I have a little bit of low-grade hypochondria, particularly relating to psychological syndromes, so I often hear stories about disorders and think, "Oh yeah, I have that". People that I know often laugh it off when I suggest that there is something wrong with me and say, "Oh, everyone's like that sometimes," etc, which I hate. Does anyone else have that problem; that other people don't seem to understand that you are completely different and just think that you are being overdramatic or oversensitive about your differences? Why can't people see how difficult it is for me to do all of the social things that they take for granted. I think people must think that I "have it together" to some extent because I have a high-status education and job, but they don't realize that these things just kind of happened to me with relatively little effort from myself.

The biggest problem in my life right now is that I was promoted to a supervisory position at my company about a year ago. Needless to say, I am terrible at it, as I generally avoid my direct reports (the people I supervise) as much as possible, and it is very easy for them to manipulate me and get me to give in to whatever they want, patrticularly when they use emotion or politics to try to influence me.

When I talk to people, I find it virtually impossible to think rationally when I am in the midst of the conversation. Later, I often realize exactly what I should have said or how I should have reacted, but then, of course, it is too late. Just the other day at work, someone asked me to get involved in a project that I absolutely would not have had time to get involved in, but I just dumbly agreed to do it, feeling like a deer in the headlights and unable to even consider whether I should say no to the request. Fortunately, my boss happened to be nearby and pointed out to the person that I would not have the time. I generally assume that whatever anyone else says or suggests must be correct when they are actually saying it. I can only disagree later when I am alone.

Anxiety is a big problem, but I think it is just a byproduct of my tendency to overcommit myself and the feeling that I have to be perfect. My whole life I was labeled as someone that did not live up to his potential, which has always haunted me. I have the intelligence, but I have never had the desire to engage in the "rat race". I have little if any desire to prove myself better than other people or surpass other people in the pecking order, so to speak. I feel like my whole world is concentrated in the space about 2" behind my eyeballs, and whenever someone tries to pull me out to compete or interact with others, it is very stressful, and often depressing.

Now to the topic of self-medication. I have smoked marijuana on a daily to semi-daily basis for the better part of the last ten years. I'm sure that some of you have preconceptions about people that smoke MJ, but I can tell you that those preconceptions are probably misguided. In any case, you can think what you want about the "average" MJ user, but I am clearly not a stereotypical "stoner". And i don't mean to glorify MJ use. I am not saying my use is good or bad for me, that is a questoin I have wrangled with for years, with no clear answer.

I'm not sure how MJ helps me with AS, if it does at all, but all of my theatre friends from HS smoked so, if anything, it is strongly associated with the only positive relationships that I have had in my life. I think it helps me though, because it allows me to contact the underdeveloped spirtual side of myself. When I smoke, I can more easily allow myself to use intuition; I can "feel" a little more and I am less monopolar. Also, there is the more basic fact that drugs are a substitute for relationships. You don't have to make eye-contact or play interpersonal games with MJ, it just is what it is.

MJ is by far my biggest obsession, not just the actual act of using it, but every aspect of the activities, devices, and culture that surround it. This is completely seperate from the use of it as a drug; I have gone through long periods of abstainance but during those times I am still preoccupied by the subject. For many years, I filled my free time designing smoking devices or growing systems both on paper and in reality. In college, I was actually busted and charged with about 29 counts of possesion of drug paraphenilia, almost all home-made. Fortunately it was negotiated down to a municipal offense with no criminal record.

It seems like a lot of AS people have problems with certain tactile sensations. When I was young, I could not touch anything with my fingernails or scratch anything with a sharp object without rubbing with my finger tips afterwords to "smooth-out" the scratch. In my then childish mind, I rationalized this by convincing myself that the scratched area would start on fire if not "smoothed-out". Touching anything with my finger nails was particularly annoying and still bothers me a little. I have always, and this is still very true, had a problem with dryness. I always need to use hand-lotion after washing my hands, and I hate to touch paper or anything absorbent without wetting my fingers first. Just thinking about dry lumber or the dry air of winter is sometimes enough to give me the shivers and goose-bumbs. There was a brief time during which I tried to play the saxophone, but I learned that woodwind instruments were a no-no for me, due to the need to touch the wooden reed to my lips. The woody squeeking noise that an inexperienced sax player often makes is still enough to send me through the roof, metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, I know this has been a long post, but I already feel a little better getting some of this of my chest. In the past, I always felt kind of happy that I was different, despite the challenges. I thought that my differnces made me better than most people, and would eventually lead to me being sucessful in some narrow field. Unfortunately, everyone today expects their workers to take on multiple roles. Its not enough just to be a good engineer, you have to be a leader and facilitator as well. I have become numb to the expectations people have of me and have become numb to life itself. If I showed up for work Monday and was told I was fired, I wouldn't care. I don't really care about much anymore other than the absolute necessities like eating when I am hungry and sleeping when I am tired. But don't get too concerned, I am not going to do anything drastic. I do desire to mold my life to better fit my personality, I just don't know how to do that right now.

Anyway, I guess, like most people, I'd like to know what people think of me. Does anyone share some of the problems I have? Do you agree that I am a weirdo? Sometimes that is all I want; to find someone that can see how different I am.

that's pretty cool. i was thinking of trying marijuana myself. especially since it's not really even a drug. it's a plant.

Sorry, Davenport, Iowa, USA, on the muddy Mississip.

Was only in the UK for about two days (mostly London) during the greatest traveling adventure of my life. I drank a Guiness in a classic pub and interacted with a couple of classically charming drunks (at about 11 am). Also did typical tourist stuff, saw the Tower of London and Westminster Abbey, where lots of famous dead people are. That was one of my favorite things. I love cemetories and ornate tombs and monuments. (Olivier is entombed there, as well as Queen Mary and lots of other royals).

i went all over England last year with my dad. one of the best experiences i've ever had. we have friends and family there as well, who we visited.

Hi, Coctyle!

Welcome Coctyle to Wrong Planet!

Home of the Giant Pumpkin!! !

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet! I hope you enjoy posting here!

Welcome to Wrong Planet from a fellow newbie!