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evangelina
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07 Nov 2005, 2:47 pm

hi, I need some advice on letting my 11 yr old daughter attend a slumber party. She has aspergers (undiagnosed), she is being invited only because the girl's mom who is having the slumber party told her to. She went to this same girl's slumber party last year and she came home crying because she got completely left out and targeted, but for some reason she wants to go again this year? Do I let her go even though she knows the situation? I need some advice.



joku_muko
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07 Nov 2005, 3:03 pm

Are you sure she understands the situation? I dont mean to sound dumb or anything. But have you talked to her about how you saw things, ask her why she wants to go again based on what you saw and ask her what it was really like for her. Maybe she was crying cause she was happy? Sorry just guessing really.



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07 Nov 2005, 3:10 pm

Ugh. Girls that age can be so mean.

Do you expect the girls to act the same, ie be cruel? I assume the other mother is aware of what happened last year. Since she insisted your daughter be invited, what supports does she have in place so the same thing doesn't happen again?

BeeBee



evangelina
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07 Nov 2005, 5:19 pm

joku_muko wrote:
Are you sure she understands the situation? I dont mean to sound dumb or anything. But have you talked to her about how you saw things, ask her why she wants to go again based on what you saw and ask her what it was really like for her. Maybe she was crying cause she was happy? Sorry just guessing really.


I appreciate the question. She was crying because the one whom she thought was her best friend totally shunned her. She seems to do this when other girls are around, so I have told my girl to dis associate her self from her. I'm not sure this is the best thing to say to her.



evangelina
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07 Nov 2005, 5:26 pm

BeeBee wrote:
Ugh. Girls that age can be so mean.

Do you expect the girls to act the same, ie be cruel? I assume the other mother is aware of what happened last year. Since she insisted your daughter be invited, what supports does she have in place so the same thing doesn't happen again?

BeeBee


I do expect them to act the same way only because we go to church with these girls and this happens almost every sunday in children's church. Her mother is very aware but really enjoys the fact that her daughter behaves the way she does because her daughter has been bullied also up until this past year or so. I guess her kid came out of her shell. This girl doesn't struggle with the same thing mine does. I really can't trust this mother to look out for mine. But my kid insists that she wants to go. This particular mother and her daughter felt sorry for my kid. ( I just found this out recently) so that is why this girl befriended my girl to begin with. I am at a complete loss as to what to do because I have heard that aspie kids need to be in social situations to learn how to function. We homeschool by the way.



ster
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08 Nov 2005, 9:24 pm

Evangelina wrote: I am at a complete loss as to what to do because I have heard that aspie kids need to be in social situations to learn how to function. We homeschool by the way.

sure, social situations can be great for your child....but knowingly putting them into a situation that is harmful to their self esteem ........well, i just couldnt do that. i dont know how small or big your town is or what other opportunities your daughter might have to interact with others her age who might be more accepting and friendly. girls at this age are quite difficult, but there are still some nice ones out there. what about girl scouts ? does your town have a parks & rec dept that has classes or sports programs ? hey, and while we're at it, who says she has to hang out with girls??? as far as the slumber party goes, reasoning with your daughter might not work...when my sons mind is made up that he wants to do something, it is VERY difficult to get him to reason with me..........at times i have found myself in the situation of having to come up with an alternate activity for my son just to avoid the mess that chaotic situations produce.



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08 Nov 2005, 10:01 pm

Idealy, the mother would have a "big sister" watch and make sure your daughter is not excluded. Doesn't sound like thats about to happen.

I like Ster's idea. Plan something else for her that evening if possible. For socializing, have a party at your house so you can set the rules and monitor it.

BeeBee



evangelina
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10 Nov 2005, 12:10 pm

BeeBee wrote:
Idealy, the mother would have a "big sister" watch and make sure your daughter is not excluded. Doesn't sound like thats about to happen.

I like Ster's idea. Plan something else for her that evening if possible. For socializing, have a party at your house so you can set the rules and monitor it.

BeeBee


great ideas!! !! thanks so much.



chamoisee
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10 Nov 2005, 12:58 pm

All I can say is that when I was your daughter's age, I invited some girls that I thought were friends over for a slumber party, and they all shunned me and ridiculed me. It is one of my worst social memories from that time period. I ended up having a meltdown and ohysically attacking one of the girls, who was much bigger and just laughed at me and brushed me off like a gnat.... :oops: :(



evangelina
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10 Nov 2005, 4:07 pm

chamoisee wrote:
All I can say is that when I was your daughter's age, I invited some girls that I thought were friends over for a slumber party, and they all shunned me and ridiculed me. It is one of my worst social memories from that time period. I ended up having a meltdown and ohysically attacking one of the girls, who was much bigger and just laughed at me and brushed me off like a gnat.... :oops: :(


I am sorry for your aweful experience :cry: I think I will offer her an alternative for that night. Thanks again to all of you



jbrawn26
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10 Nov 2005, 6:10 pm

I'd also agree with planning something else for that evening as much as she'd like to go it doesn't sound like a very good situation. If you can afford it find somewhere to take her like a movie she's been wanting to see or ( not sure how old your daughter is ) chuck e cheese or some other place that she'd enjoy and not be able to go whenever she wants