Meltdowns killing our relationship

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patternist
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12 Aug 2008, 8:50 am

Mom2bax, I don't really think like that. I resent the father's behavior, but I don't blame the child. If it were true, I could admit even that to myself. But it's not true. I don't even mind being tied to the father. We're becoming friends again, somewhat. Doing better than most freshly divorced couples.

The point is and was, that there are time constraints, financial constraints, pressures which, although they end there, they simply are what they are, still make me want to curl up in a ball under my bed. Which is, of course, not possible.

I'm really not in a position to control the daycare situation right now. I'm paying for what I pay for, it is a done deal. I've found, like, the one licensed daycare provider that dad and I can agree on, in all of my county that has extended hours (I work about 1 hour from where I live) and doesn't require Griff be potty trained. And she charges even if we miss a day. Any major changes require a) we agree on the change or b) we go to court.

gbollard wrote

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That was how it was with our sons. It gets better as they get older.

In the meantime, you might have to start to accept that he will appear to ignore you. It feels like he's being malicious, but he's not - he's just engrossed and probably isn't reading your mood.


Thank you for this. A little bit of light at the end of the tunnel is always welcome :)



Tortuga
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12 Aug 2008, 11:12 am

I think you misunderstood what I said about the yelling part. I wasn't blaming you for yelling. I was trying to tell you that he might not understand the words coming out of your mouth, especially with any extra emotions added.

I had this problem with my son when he was young. If I really needed him to hear and understand me, I had to take out all of the emotion. He misunderstood when I was really super excited about something too. (also, he literally did not comprehend the words. he is more autistic than AS).

Truth be told, I've done a fair amount of yelling myself...but, it didn't work. Progress happens when I'm more relaxed. Also, some of his worst behavior would happen when I was too serious. Some goofy roughhousing goes a long way towards easing tensions.



DW_a_mom
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12 Aug 2008, 12:29 pm

patternist wrote:
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I'm totally on-board, in theory, with Ouinon on this, but we didn't have the luxury of allowing it, either.


Yep. I agree in theory. I wish society were structured with families' (not businesses', not governments') best interests in mind. I wish I didn't have to work and leave him with someone else. I wish I could assist him at the level I want to. The guilt makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Every day. But I can't just not work. Not and have a place to live, too. And to come full circle, I don't feel good about leaving him with his dad, because his dad doesn't really interact with him. He doesn't know how to.

I am trying to teach him and I am not a good teacher. I am frustrated with myself/the situation, actually, not with him. He is getting it, but the pressure is getting to me.



You are expressing so many feelings here that I went through, too, when my child was a preschooler. I remember days of just curling up and crying my heart out. And my situation was less complicated and less restrained than yours; I feel for you. I really do.

I will tell you that if you have made the very best childcare decision you possibly could have, you are likely to see positives emerge from the experience that will make you feel better about it all. My son has learned so much over the years from first his nanny and then the after-care provider at school. Not everyone I have left him with has been a positive force in his life, but those two in particular gave him so many things that I was never capable of. He learned from them, and I learned from them. Having a partner in raising your child is not always a bad thing. But it is all about placement - having the right caregiver for your unique child. I can look back and have few regrets, particularly because I know that now, at age 11, my son is literally thriving. He's happy, he's secure, and all the professionals over the years have affirmed that it is because I must have done something right. Lol, and you already know that I was far, FAR from perfect when he was young. The stress got to me, too, and I know that I had acted in ways, at times, that terrified him. But somehow we all got through. We used professional services when we could, we talked within the family, and I read and talked on boards. I still feel horrible at times, about what I can't do and can't give. But then I can remind myself of how cool my son is, so how badly can I be doing? And I am never, NEVER, afraid to admit I could use a little help, and that maybe my son could use a service that I cannot provide. So, end point of all this rambling ... it does get better. These early years are just really, really tough. Every parent knows it.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


annotated_alice
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12 Aug 2008, 12:50 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
These early years are just really, really tough. Every parent knows it.


Amen. It is hard, hard, hard when they are little. My sons are now 8 and it is so much easier. When they were your son's age there were times when I didn't think I would make it through the day. And I too "lost it", yelled and acted scary. Everyone has already given wonderful advice. What worked best for me, specifically in those moments where I felt myself losing control, was to put my child somewhere safe and just walk away for awhile. Even if there's pee on the floor or you're right in the middle of something, just walk away. I would go into my room or the bathroom for a few quiet minutes and just breathe. Such a small thing, but giving myself permission to do that helped immensely. Sometimes I would have to tune out the sounds of small fists hammering on the door, and little voices crying and it was hard to even get that minute, but I knew if I didn't, that the consequences would be far worse than them being ignored for awhile. I still do it occasionally, and my boys now know to leave Mum alone when she gives herself a time out.

Try to be as nice to yourself as you possibly can. Parenting is a tough gig, and single parenting is even tougher.



liloleme
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12 Aug 2008, 1:27 pm

Apatura wrote:
ouinon wrote:
Golly, how on earth did that happen? How do you get a staph infection from nappy use?


Basically it's a diaper rash that gets infected-- the moisture and lack of breathability caused by diapers is an ideal breeding ground for staph.


My daughter also had several MRSA (Methicillian Resistant Staph) infections in her diaper area. One was so deep that she had to have an operation to have it drained. We managed to get her out of diapers a few months ago....we just take her potty every hour or so. Basically some people carry MRSA. you can carry it in your nose. Children, older people and those with comprimised immune systems tend to develop the absesses. Its actually very common now.



mom2bax
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12 Aug 2008, 9:38 pm

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Mom2bax, I don't really think like that. I resent the father's behavior, but I don't blame the child. If it were true, I could admit even that to myself. But it's not true. I don't even mind being tied to the father. We're becoming friends again, somewhat. Doing better than most freshly divorced couples.

The point is and was, that there are time constraints, financial constraints, pressures which, although they end there, they simply are what they are, still make me want to curl up in a ball under my bed. Which is, of course, not possible.


i hope that you did not get the impression that i was saying that was happening. it was a realiziation i came to one day and i didn't even realize it untill it dawned on me. i was just sharing my consequneces in case you could relate

and i totally understand the curling up in a ball thing.



patternist
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12 Aug 2008, 10:06 pm

Nono, mom2bax, no hard feelings at all. I am incredulous about what I do to get by in life vs. what he does, but it ends there.

I hope.

I'll meditate on it and hope I come up with the same answer.