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Kirska
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21 Aug 2008, 1:38 pm

Sora wrote:
Even 2 people with phobias about different things can be unintentionally very ignorant of each other's object of fear.

This is so true. I am afraid of roaches and other beetle type bugs and my husband is afraid of heights.

Yet when there's a bug he'll sometimes leave it so I have to "face my fears", which never happens. I just lock myself in another room or leave until it's gone.

Likewise, I tend to not take into consideration his fear of heights when I make plans for us. On one of our first dates I planned a dinner up at the top of a skyscraper downtown. Poor guy went along with it but I could tell he was trying very hard to hide his fear of being up there.


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pandd
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21 Aug 2008, 2:07 pm

Kirska wrote:
Yet when there's a bug he'll sometimes leave it so I have to "face my fears", which never happens. I just lock myself in another room or leave until it's gone.

My partner tried that once; he seemed to think if he did not draw my attention to it (a spider), I would not notice it. Unfortunately the spider was in the toilet, and I most certainly did notice it. My sleepy-eyed partner learned how insistent I can be at 3.00am when caught between a spider and a full bladder. :oops:



liloleme
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21 Aug 2008, 3:34 pm

Im actually also terrified of hights LOL. So spiders and hights are my "irrational" phobias. I doubt I will ever over come my fear of spiders (doesnt matter if they bite or not). I also tend to panic with loud noises. My husband does understand to a certain extent but I scared him, which is understandable. I think he knows now to kill the spider when I ask him to.
Thank you to everyone who does understand your posts have made me feel so much better. I really do sometimes NEED this site....Its so great to have people to relate to. People who dont shake their heads, roll thier eyes or just flat out say "youre crazy".



LostInSpace
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21 Aug 2008, 3:48 pm

Well, I can definitely understand why your husband was so upset- your reaction to the spider could have taken two or more lives if you had gotten in an accident. I can also understand however that you weren't exactly in control of your actions. Since that was a potentially deadly situation, it may be worthwhile to try treatment to help desensitize yourself to spiders- to at least bring your fear down to a level where you are able to act rationally (like pull over immediately in a safe way to take care of the spider).

Also, I wanted to point out that it may have seemed like your husband was taking forever even if he was in fact acting quickly, since in situations like that, time can seem to slow to a crawl. It would definitely be a good idea to talk to him however, so that he does understand the importance of killing the spider quickly in those situations.



Magliabechi
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21 Aug 2008, 3:53 pm

liloleme wrote:
I think he knows now to kill the spider when I ask him to.


So to sum up-

The spider was killed.

The husband was educated.

And no pedestrians were harmed in the process.


It sounds like a positive outcome.


Magliabechi.



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21 Aug 2008, 4:03 pm

I know what you mean. Yesterday a huge woodland cockroach appeared in the kitchen. It skittered across the bench and dropped at my feet, then went into a crack and hid there.. it was hard to exercise any common sense, I just screamed and ran out of the kitchen. It was half an hour before I had the courage to venture in there again.

Logically it was harmless, just a large cockroach that came in with the firewood probably. But it looked so awful.. all those horrible legs and antennae .

I actually like most insects, including spiders, though not the poisonous ones.


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westernwild
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21 Aug 2008, 5:26 pm

pandd wrote:
Yes I understand.

I understand why your husband was upset because it was a dangerous situation and it's good you see his point of view on that. However, there really is nothing you can do when this kind of panic sets in, and since your husband knows that you cannot handle spiders (I hate them too), it would have been helpful if he would have moved a bit faster to get rid of it, especially as you were driving at the time.

It's not as though the kind of reaction you are describing is voluntary. I think your husband can probably control how fast he kills the spider better than you can control an involuntary panic reaction.

It sounds like your husband is generally supportive which is good, but it can feel a bit unfair when people blame you for things you really cannot help, especially when they could have helped to avoid the situation.


Well, I DON'T understand why her husband was upset. If he knows how she reacts to spiders and saw the spider on the dashboard and that it was crawling towards her, then he should have killed the damned thing without hesitation. Not get upset at her for a fear she can't control and that he already KNOWS she has. I hate it when people do that. They know you have a fear or a quirck and claim to "accept" you for it, then don't do anything and get mad at YOU for it.

When you love someone and marry them, you're supposed to accept them for who they are, quircks, faults and all. Period. My husband loves and accepts me despite my issues, and I do the same with his issues. I would never have married him if he didn't, and that's why I was in my forties before I married. I got tired of always having to try to adapt to what an SO wanted me to be instead of what I was.


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pandd
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21 Aug 2008, 5:43 pm

westernwild wrote:
Well, I DON'T understand why her husband was upset.

It may seem a bit quirky, but it's not entirely uncommon to become upset in the immediate after-math of a potentially life-threatening event.

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If he knows how she reacts to spiders and saw the spider on the dashboard and that it was crawling towards her, then he should have killed the damned thing without hesitation. Not get upset at her for a fear she can't control and that he already KNOWS she has. I hate it when people do that. They know you have a fear or a quirck and claim to "accept" you for it, then don't do anything and get mad at YOU for it.

If someone is making of pattern of non-accommodation along with blaming, while also claiming to accept, then their claim certainly does not seem to bear up to scrutiny (even if they believe they are being accepting). However, my understanding of the OP's comments were that her husband is usually supportive, and that his behavior in this particular case was an aberration rather than indicative of his usual attitude.

Sometimes even genuinely supportive and understanding people are less than supportive and understanding in a particular moment. Everyone is fallible.
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When you love someone and marry them, you're supposed to accept them for who they are, quircks, faults and all.

Which also might mean accepting that people make mistakes. Sometimes they do not kill spiders fast enough for instance. :wink:

Quote:
Period. My husband loves and accepts me despite my issues, and I do the same with his issues. I would never have married him if he didn't, and that's why I was in my forties before I married. I got tired of always having to try to adapt to what an SO wanted me to be instead of what I was.

It sounds like you have a great marriage! It's awesome that you held out for what you deserve rather than settling, and bringing knowledge of what you want and need in a relationship is a huge asset in a marriage. You're absolutely right that people deserve to be accepted and loved as they are, quirks and all. I'm glad you and your husband obviously have a positive relationship.



claire-333
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21 Aug 2008, 8:52 pm

I have come very close to having an accident due to a wasp in my car.



nettiespaghetti
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21 Aug 2008, 10:27 pm

I completely understand. I absolutely abhor spiders. I had one in my car that was pretty big, started crawling up my windshield and I got so friggen scared I thought I'd pass out right there. I was by myself or I would have been yelling for my husband too! And you know what? My husband has yelled at me over my fear too. It's usually because inevitably we'll get one in the shower and I just can't stand getting anywhere near them. They just scare the daylights out of me. He claims they don't scare him yet he gets angry when I make him come kill it. How annoying is that?


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21 Aug 2008, 10:41 pm

Your husband sounded insensitive. He should have just taken action instead of taking his time to kill the spider. And he shouldn't have gotten mad at you either. He should be the one to blame. I don't understand why he didn't kill the spider quick enough if he knows you are terrified of them and the fact you guys were on the road. How stupid is it to not kill it when you are driving and you are terrified of spiders and he knows it? Then he gets all mad at you which is even more stupid even though I full well understand you could have crashed so that's why he was angry.



Coadunate
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22 Aug 2008, 1:54 am

Words of Wisdom:

Aspie’s should stick to Aspie’s.

OR

What better a person to complete you than one so unlike.



MemberSix
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22 Aug 2008, 2:23 am

Why not go for some spider therapy ?

Agreed spiders are not nice - but you'd do well to acquire at least some ability to control these meltdowns, it may save yours and someone else's life one day.

The level of terror you describe is generally under rational control by adulthood.
You need to get some assistance with it.



liloleme
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22 Aug 2008, 8:37 am

MemberSix wrote:
Why not go for some spider therapy ?

Agreed spiders are not nice - but you'd do well to acquire at least some ability to control these meltdowns, it may save yours and someone else's life one day.

The level of terror you describe is generally under rational control by adulthood.
You need to get some assistance with it.


My husband has actually looked up spider therapy online yesterday. For Coadunate....my husband is not an Aspie but he has a very large abundance of Aspie qualities. He is actually very understanding the majority of the time, I doubt I could find anyone who suits me better.



SabbraCadabra
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22 Aug 2008, 11:20 pm

nettiespaghetti wrote:
...inevitably we'll get one in the shower and I just can't stand getting anywhere near them.


Those are my favorites. We have one of those detachable shower head things, I just turn that on and spray those suckers right down the drain =)


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