I need some help from older Aspies :)

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Aspie94
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24 Aug 2008, 9:56 am

I loved LOVED your explanation of punishment. I always wondered if I was a bad parent for letting my kid play his videogames...I'm glad I never took his videogames as a punishment now. Ok, I need help in another area.
My son often doesn't like to accompany us to family affair and usually that's all right, except for birthday parties etc. (which he ends up enjoying anyway). In general, he doesn't like the IDEA of going anywhere, but once he is there he has fun.
We always go to the state carnival together. Son loves the rides. Every year we have to work on things to talk him into voluntarily coming with us. Often he'll say "I don't want to miss my shows" or "This will be so boring."
I try to tell him to come with because "You know how much I love you and it's for me. It just wouldn't be the same if you don't come with me. Will you please come with to make me happy?" He is a very kindhearted young man (fifteen) and always agrees to come, although he usually brings his Nintendo DS with in the car...lol. I just want to know if this sort of explanation will resonate with a kid who has HFA. Do you feel this is a good way of putting it? He IS capable of empathy. If you think I am not presenting this well, can you please tell me what may help? Once he is there he has a great time. I try very hard not to force him into situations I know he will hate.
I would greatly appreciate input. It's not just about the carnival. It's about whenever we need him to come with us. We don't like to say "Because we said so" to this boy. We feel he needs us to explain things to him and then he is usually compliant.
By the way, I love Aspies :) I could have had five of them and would have been a happy mom. We adopted this wonderful boy when he was two and, even during his early, difficult years, we loved him to distraction.



2ukenkerl
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24 Aug 2008, 10:39 am

If he really enjoys it, you are probably doing fine. Happily, shows KNOW you can't ALWAYS watch, so they often replay some parts to help you follow the pllot, etc... Still, I want to get the whole EFC series, for example, because I missed SO much of it! I tried to never miss a show. It was KIND of like SG1, in that there were like subseries where they fought different aliens with different advantages, etc... EFC and SG1 BOTH were each like 3 different series in their own right.



Jaysonlee4
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24 Aug 2008, 10:53 am

"You know how much I love you and it's for me. It just wouldn't be the same if you don't come with me.



I've heard that alot! Don't worry, I think that you are doing a good job. As this other person said, if the kid is happy your most likely doing the right thing.



tomamil
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24 Aug 2008, 11:34 am

ah, i wish my parents were so understanding. i had got those 'because i said so' too many times. i always wanted explanations and never got them, it was frustrating. you do great. i am happy for the kid.



n4mwd
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24 Aug 2008, 1:06 pm

As far as not wanting to go places, we aspies tend to be like that. However, if there is a reason to go, we'll usually go without a problem. That aspie trait causes a lot of false diagnoses of Social Anxiety Syndrome which is totally different from aspergers. A person who really had SAD would never enjoy a party or carnival ride and would freak the whole time there.

You really sound like a good parent to me. Getting your son out of the house for a little recreation is generally good for him. It would also be good to try to get him interested in roller blading or swimming or some other physical exercise.

Anyhow, eliminating his excuses for not going is a good place to start. Something like TIVO or a VCR is a way to prevent the "I might miss one of my shows" excuse.



marieclaire
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24 Aug 2008, 1:11 pm

Also a fifteen year old male will be starting to develop behaviours that will serve towards achieving independence, ummmm (can't find the words) to break away from his parents. Not wanting to go out with them is one them.

I think you are doing very well. I liked your post.



Tracker
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24 Aug 2008, 2:34 pm

Aspie94 wrote:
I try to tell him to come with because "You know how much I love you and it's for me. It just wouldn't be the same if you don't come with me. Will you please come with to make me happy?"


Wow, thats not a guilt trip, thats a guilt mine field. If you have to resort to intentionally making him feel bad before he comes then I have no doubt he doesnt like these events. You may think that he enjoys them once he gets out, but thats just him pretending to fit in to make you happy. I do the same thing when I get dragged to parties. I dont make small talk and act friendly because I want to, its because I have to or else my mother will nag me non-stop. The guy is 15 years old, just leave him at home alone. He is probably mature enough to be by himself for a couple hours while you go out.

Social interaction is like riding a roller coaster or going swimming. Some people enjoy roller coasters, other people have motion sickness and generally dislike roller coasters. Some people like to go swimming, while others are afraid of the water. Would you try to force the people with motion sickness to go on the roller coaster, or throw people into the pool against their will? Of course not, you would respect their wishes and understand that they know better then you do whether or not they will enjoy it.

To be honest, your attempts to drag him along to events that he has told you he dislikes is uncaring at best. Doing it anyways because 'it makes you happy' is just you being selfish and ignoring him.